hey kids,
its been a long time. i've decided that i miss life. ever since i got excluded, i've been working most evenings, and a miss not having to. i miss covering my furniture with bits and bobs from magazines, and cutting up my clothes at one in the morning to make something better. i really really miss laying on the futon with a smoke, listening to Silversun pickups. i hate how life gets busy and everything you love just goes out the window.
like now, im laying in bed with a cigarette, blogging about life and godliness, which is just what i would have done before.
the great thing is, there's more to come. one day im going to be used to this. but the sad thing is, when i get days off, all i'll want to do is curl up on the couch and watch friends all day. its really difficult to make life more than just work and sleep. i see the same people every day, do the same thing all the time. I know i've said this a thousand times, but i want another change. i dont know if i'll ever be able to love one job enough to commit to it. it's the same thing with people. i hit the six month mark and freak out. everything is too serious for sixteen. i want to look back when i'm old and be able to say that sixteen was the best year, but so far it's not doing so well. maybe i'm looking for the wrong memories, but i think that maybe sixteen without so much worry might be better than what i have now.
i want to drink coffee and sit under trees, and have picnics and tea parties, and barbeques where people can talk the whole time and not get bored. i want to have people that i know well enough to just talk to.
i want to get out of bed and turn Sting up and scream really loud, but im scared that if i do, i'll wake up mum and the boys, and maybe alert some zombies of our presence.
i want to cry without feeling self concious and be able to walk past a reflective surface without looking at myself in it and wondering who the fuck im trying to be.
i also want this blog not to end up a string of blasphemy, broken up with some english.
one day i'm going to have kids, and i won't be able to show them photos of when i was sixteen, because all i've done is take drugs and fuck up.
maybe i'm never going to have kids. maybe im going to grow up and be just like i am now, a neurotic, paranoid, druggy with stupid hair and a fat face and jsut stay on my own forever. i should find a nunnery and wear the blanks of the nuns.
i guess thats all.