You are my mind

Yeah just realized how fucking unbearable I can be.
Sometimes I decide no one is anything and then suddenly they are nothing and now I am freaking out. Go fucking cook. I want everything to be better but the only thing fucking shit up is me. So sick of myself right now but for some reason I just can't fucking deal hey. I'm pissed off. I'm one of those idiots that people have to tiptoe around right now. Fuck.

So we bent our spoons and howled at the moon to see what science replaced

And so it begins.
Nothing really, but so it begins.
Im sort of feeling like something.
Okay so I shall make a small splash as I jump in.
This is dedicated to someone, someone who shall know who he is and might be scared by this but I'm rolling with it because I want shut to stop, just be quiet for a second and sit.

Dear Henry,
There's a hole in your bucket, and I have the straw that you née to fox it with. Well I think I do. In the end it's up to you to decide, but I'll assume on my couch.
You are different. You never cease to surprise me with your general 'ness. An all truth and honesty I am fan. So I sit here in mOunt barker having left your house little more than an hour ago and I am so very tired.
Back to Henry. Your face, whilst prickly and sometimes disturbing on many levels, is lovely. It makes my face smile, and then your face smiles and I feel like giving up all hope for Christmas. I think you are light and before I knew you I think maybe all the windows in my brain were closed. And very slowly I suspect you opened them with your little rays of intelligence and then started making the insides of my head warm.
I know I sound like a nut job, but it's what I do best so I will go with the flow that is mentioned so often and float until I find the little fishes.
When I am so with you it's like a massive black hole time warp. I'm never sure what the light is like outside but it actually doesnt matter because really I don't want to be outside. You don't make weird comments about the fact that I eat cold pizza in the early hours and chain-smoke like a chimney and like the smell of beer. You have an excellent way of speaking and you can actually have a conversation with me even when I don't finish my sentences an jar say, 'hmmm, yes'. My eyes don't get sick of your face and to be honest if I could make you pocket sized I would. You would be my pocket protected scientist. I would dress you like a dolly ;)
Anyway enough of my suspicious ramblings.
All I have now is an order. Don't make a run for it, because right noe in my mind you are near perfect and I don't want that to change :)

The confusion in her eyes says it all, she's lost control

So I'm freaking out.
Dont ask why, when or how, I'm just freaking out.
Not even, I just wanted to freak you out. I've had one hours sleep in the last twenty four hours. I feel really sick and I have just been throwing up. Now I'm in bed with two blankets and a jumper and I am burning up like hell. When I try taking off the jumper or a quilt I freeze. Can't get comfortable, can't sleep. I feel like someone has trampled my chest an every time I breathe in I get shooting pains down the left side of my body.
So I am freaking out, now that I really think about it this probably isn't good. I'll just breathe ad get through it. If I freak out it will be worse. All I can think is how much I hope this has gone away by tomorrow. If it ruins my weekend I will not be fucking happy. Not at all.
So fucking tired, but I can't sleep because I'm so fucking uncomfortable. I have to work tomorrow, which means being up at six am. It's not fucking fun. My stomach is fucking tying itself up in knots, I feel like absolute suit. Why now.

"his eyes blazed like fire, somehow I pity those misguided men"

Fuck I'm sick of waking up at ridiculous hours. I'm getting cramps all down one side of my body because I have been in the same position for too long and I cant turn over. I had a terrible dream. You know hoe you never die in dreams? I didn't die but i was being tortured by some madman.
It was enough to make mr scared to go back to sleep, so now I'm laying in bed and feeling like crap because this evening was just one mad fuck up, and I'm pretty sure I Aldo offended someone extremely importantto me and now I have no idea what to do. I just want to go back to sleep but I fucking can't and I hate everything. Or something. This is all :/

What they had would never fade away

Very few things are more dull than what I am doing right at this moment. Sitting on a bus looking out the window and just about everything I see is grey. Grey sky, grey sidewalks, grey buildings, there even seems to be an excess of grey cars out. It's so grey every other colour is getting smothered. Shit , is the grass grey? I cants tell anymore. Whatever's wrong with everything today, I'm a fan. Grey is possibly one of my favorite colors. If it actually is a color, which after black and white, is debatable. This is the sort of weather for bright red coats and yellow umbrellas. It's for speedy adventures to the supermarket to get hot chocolate. It's the weather during which you give up trying to see out the windows and resign yourself to curling up and watching terrible films with whoever is caught at your house. It's possibly my favorite weather when I am closed up in my house.
But with the prospect of walking home through it I am way less enthusiastic. For the first time In months I am armed with an umbrella though, so that makes me a little happier. I just found a pair of Shoes that rocked my world from the left to the right, and i am going to buy them tomorrow because it has been a long time since I wasted my money on amazing footwear. I seem to be fairly busy the last few weeks and I'm not sure how I feel about it to be completely honest, it seems to be a little stressful. There's really only one thing that I am doing this weekend that I really feel like doing. Before and after that I am way less keen, but as I love some of my friends I'll roll with it and hopefully drown myself in a Spa by getting so drunk I pass out without warning. Bec would think I was joking
Huh, I should do that to her, just to scare her :)
Anyone who might be walking down the sidewalk next to this here bus right now will inevitably get totally Saturated. I laugh at their misfortune.

"What a dangerous way to live!" she said, sounding utterly delighted

- sliding down half moon hill in cardboard boxes.
- playing with strange containers that said 'WARNING' on them because we thought they were nuclear bombs.
- having flawless logic.
- Sitting on your roof watching the sunrise and not caring about anything
- marching down your road with lanterns in the dead of night, chanting in tongues
- terrorizing that weird kid who lived across from you because she killed her kitten by mopping up milk with it
-that pair of purple shorts you always used to wear
- singing 'the midas touch' when your mum was hiding in the tree above us and we thought she was a monster. best defense strategy ever.
- making up lame parodies of songs like 'boulevard of broken dreams'
- bums in the wardrobe
- the gutless guy at your uncles farm
- the music under the floorboards
- going out sailing at clayton so we could listen to Nova without getting in trouble
- Best death 2004, the sand dune, and that weird english guy who was looking for specimens
- good ol' salt and vin behind woolworths.
- that suspicious cream we tipped all over the trolleys
- citric acid in the baked beans
- reading your mums diary on the DL and hating everything because of it
- Jenny with the bell
- losing your phone in your neighbours back garden and having to use our epic shaldeedal skills to reclaim it whilst also looking like mad sus cunts
- sleeping in the cubby house and being more scared of bogans than spiders.
- having MAD meetings in the loft at 448 MBR
- ELIJAH. no one can forget.
- being the only kids ever who played ding dong dash and then wondering why we got caught.
- the rabbit skin hat that you fed with pepper.
-sleeping on the couches outside and then licking the ice off them in the morning.
- wondering why you seemed to thrive on cat food
- the sacred ibis' on the current dick smith site.
- when having a chat with dad was the worst thing that could happen to anyone
-friday night: bips and bubbles, and saturday lolly day.
- combining our moneys to get more lollies and then getting in trouble for eating chewing gum because it lasted for too long
- adventuring in to the stormwater drains and then freaking out because there were quite clearly sewer mutants out to get us
- raging around the streets of mount barker with spritz, breaking bottles in the Kmart parking lots in the middle of the night, because we were fearless bastards.
- talking about pete wentz even though i had no idea who he was at the time, and i stick by the fact that he is weird looking and i would not go there ever.
- the funeral for the ant, and when you decided he needed o be free and threw his dead body dramatically into the vegetable garden.
- convincing em to give her characters bad names when we played games.
- tommy nutty and jinglebells
- painting our desks with harlequins because that was the thing to do.
- the friday night longest chip competition.


these are but a few of the epic things i remember doing. i want my biffle back, even though we're both to self concious to do any of that shit.
it would be nice.

Cease to resist, giving my goodbye drive my car into the ocean you'll think I'm dead, but I sail away on a wave of mutilation.

Holy zombie Jesus. Two posts in one night? It's a miracle. Praise the lord and all that. So two twenty in the morning, still awake, trying to be me without anyone else. Thinking about walking home, but not too keen because there's a high chance the door will be locked and it's raining a lot.
I feel like um, creating something. I feel like inspiring myself to find something new out. To ponder myself into a new state of wonderment. I feel like feeling. You know what blows my mind. When I cut all the sad away and there's nothing but happy, I feel like a little bit of life disappears. I think the truth is sometimes I like feeling like crap. It gives me a reason to be, a reason to speak. Otherwise I feel like nothing is worth saying anything about. In all truth happiness doesn't fill me like sadness does. It doesn't take everything away, erase every other thought in my head and create the same vortex in my brain that sadness does. I'm scared that I have become accustomed to feeling bad and now i can't be properly.
Perhaps sad is my happy. I don't know anymore if I can define my own sadness as a bad thing. When I am my happiest. I have just been sad. Brains are fucked up and I want a cigarette.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship

I'm in the hood, as per usual, wondering why I sit and watch tv all night and do nothing all day. The need to get my shit together is calling.
Thisweekend I should be house sitting in moana. Where is moana you wonder? Me too. I winder why. I wonder why a lot as of late. Actually that's a lie, I'm thinking less and less as I float along on this road we call life. Think I like not thinking. Contradictory I know, but thats how I roll.
I feel that I am wasting my time. Whilst life is a joy and all that, I am becoming less and less enthusiasts the more I think of doing things. Sometimes I wonder, more as of late, how I am going to end up. Now is the future for me, but perhaps I am not being proactive enough. It's old, no one wants to hear about the struggles in the life of a young lazy fuck, but I find that it is all that I really think of. Sometimes I think about turning thirty and murdering someone so I can go to jail an not have to make any more choices but what is made for me by whoever controls people in there. Perhaps have some fun with it and become a mad drug lord and murder people and things.
I'll be honest, in this situation I am mildly worried Because I am actually enthusiastic about the idea.
My brain sometimes makes me want to bury my head in the sand.
I don't know.
I really dont know