a book you read in reverse, so you understand less as the pages turn

so hey there,

im feeling the deja vu today, because i'm at work again, on blogger, procrastinating.

well no, im waiting for scanning to come through, which makes my actions pardonable, but you know.

thats what's great about having your grandmas partner as your employer. good pay, and not particularly strict. im down with it. so today my work load consists of many folders full of pieces of paper that make no sense to me, and i dont really care for them, but i have to organise them by date, and then alphabetically, and then by color.not the last one. that would be stupid, because the paper is just black and white. blergh, borinng.

as of two minuteas ago, i am consuming a blueberry muffin and a cup of tea as i work, which is really quite lovely in my opinion. i can taste cinamon in this muffn. nomnom. and when i say 'as i work' i mean, as i blog and wait for scanning to come through :D

i am actually not opposed to this job. i hate getting up at six thirty so i can catch a bus at eight, but you know, fifteen bucks an hour and minimal effort, i guess i'll just deal with it.

so like, its freezing outside, but im overheating in the office because everything is so gosdh darn hot. i swear, its like alaska in here in the summer, and fucking africa in the winter. extremes.

i hate it, especially because i just happen to be wearing alll black today, which was useful on the walk here, but now its just annoying, and unfortunately i can't just strip :P

we'll bear our consequences in silence

i'd like to have a shower, clean my room, clean my ear piercings, reposter my walls, call my work experience man, go to work, see my boyfriend, go driving with friends and eat some pancakes, but i really just cant be bothered.
i personally, am tired. tired of being tired and unmotivated, and surrounded by amazing people that make me feel totally inadequate and terrible at life. maybe that's why i dont like my friends very much. maybe they make me feel inferior, and hence, i do not enjoy their company.
maybe, but maybe not.
okay, so right now,the thing i want most in the world is to go on a massive expedition to the middle of nowhere, and camp out with a fire, and sit and talk to my best friend, and just fool around like loonies with pen and paper and songs about pina coladas and rain, and then to just sleep.
sleep for ages and ages, and not have to worry about being anywhere, or doing anything important.
fuck this shit.
i am in a terrible mood.
i want to punch someone in the face, and then stop being me, and start being someone completely different.
personal choice i guess.
goodnight.

step into the night...

just so you know, the cruel, uneventful state of apathy releases me.
that is all in the way of profoundity this evening.
well, probably not, but for now, i'll stick with my blathering, and soon it will become your face.
or something.
In other news, today i saw the movie 'Grown Ups) with matthew, and found it to be ridiculously funny, and foolish, and i loved it.
so on tuesday night, my dear friend daniel pierced my ears for me, with a rather large and evil looking needle, and they're slightly uneven, but i like them haha.
my leg is numb, partially because of the cold, partially because im sitting on it, but i can feel that when i get up, i shan't be able to feel it, and it will all be very stressfull.
mreowr
so like, i cant think of anything to say, so im just going to talk .
my room is a complete tip, and has been for the past three days, so i should probably do something about that. i want to shoot the crickets outside my window, but i dont have a gun small enough, and even if i did, my aim is atrocious, which is unbelievably unfortunate.
also, i hate poh, and her kitchen, and i am thoroughly disgusted that they gave her a spot on my screen. it takes up time that could be used for something GOOD!
jesus poh.
i noticed that i say hurrah less and less these days, which is something that i frown upon. some would tell me to turn my froswn upside down, but i would probably just punch them.
so not my tinsel is falling off my walls too. good old christmas time, when everyone is feeling so happy they leave tinsel on the trees outside their houses, thinking that there are no crazy children in bridgewater who wil steal it.
that ony happens in mount barker, along with rape, murder and tax fraud. god bless mount barker.
little do people know that in bridgewater, your garden lights arent safe, nor are your solar powered christmas lights. not even your mail box. next time you invest in roll on lawn, think of that lovely garden statue you bought just last week, that you found beheaded at the top of your driveway. thats right, we did that.
and you, police. yeah you with the faces, and the badges. are you looking for the criminal that skillfully broke the windows of the public toilets? LOOK NO FURTHER!
actually no, i take that back, look a whole lot further, and forget this house, and its occupants, for we had nothing to do with it.
my jacket is heating up in front of the heater (suprise surprise garry!) and its sort of burning my back. hurray for salmon coloured skin. how individual of me.
so like, its dinner time,
but join me tomorrow, for more wit, and mayhap a little pain!!!!

so hey wow, fuck you

mreowr.
okay so, im watching skins with daniel, which is rather lovely. cassie is my favourite, hence the picture above.
she's just a little bit silly.
so earlier on tonight, i walked with daniel to his house, to requesition him some trackies and uggies tso that he could crash at mine, and it was raining. in other news, i bought a jacket, and tracksuit pants, and jumper and shirts, which was lovely.
we went to maccas, and inhaled a large double cheeseburger each, and an apple pie. it was nomom.
i want a gibbon, and with that gibbon i shall wreak havoc all over the world, and become jesus.
thats right, my gibbon will defeat jesus in a battle of wits.
in other news, i am in need of some straightenage of the hair, and some stuff, but i really cant be bothered.
grawl,
tomorrow, i will do something that has some relevance to life. this is a lie, but i will just pretend that i'll do it until i wake up at midday tomorrow.
all my posters are still falling off my walls, because i cant be fucked putting them back up, and my blinds are absurdly thin and not particularly warmy keepy inny-y
if you get what im trying to say.
which you might probably dont haha.
anyway, my wit seems to have slowly drifted out the window, and the episode of skins that i am watching is making me obscenely angry, so i really want to make the eff bomb every second word, but i'm holding back, because im that amazing.
god its incredible.
:D

my name is death, and the end is here.

all i can say is: thank god for absorbent scarves.
this statement may seem slightly odd to many of you, and thats because you aren't here, in my room, watching me drink my tea. this is a good thing, as if you were in my room, i would be slightly worried.
anyhow, i will explain:
i just took a mouthful of tea, and spat it out, and my beautiful wooly brown scarf absorbed it right up, consequently stopping the tea from getting to my fravourite white singlet, and making me indescribably happy.
and yes, i have removed the scarf, and am now sitting net to it, pondering its excellence with much reverence.
so like, my room is a mess, and im failing my VET course as we speak, because my work experience isnt organised yet, but i'm all right with that, because it doesnt matter really. in the end, im not going to be a chef, or a designer, or any of the things i want to be. im going to work nine till five in an office full of people i dont like, crunching numbers and making coffee and trying not to fall asleep on the job.
but the excellent thing is, that doesnt matter either, because im going to make it excellent.
im going to wear funny clothes, and put seven sugars in my coffee, and bounce of the walls all day. im going to irritate the people i dont like, and do all my work perfectly, just to piss them off. at lunch times, im going to find somewhere no one else knows about, and im going to sit there, eating chicken salad wraps, and pondering the excellence of life. and the best part is, im never going to go home to screaming children. I'm just going to live on my own, and be happy in my solitude.
and to be honest, that sounds like the best of the best to me.
but then again, god might prove me wrong on that one. i guess i just have to wait and see.
for the time being, i will find my white thread, and continue sewing the shirt that i've been making for six weeks now. im going to finish it, and photograph it, and place it on my next post, which will be as equally full of undeniably awesome things as this one.
no, i'll do that later. now i'll just continue blathering to amuse myself, and you.
so the year elevens have exams, as we speak. i think that's funny, because i have the week of school for work experience. that makes me laugh like a loon.
i miss my camera, and i want it back, so i can go outside right now, and photograph something, and make it all interesting, and then put it on tumblr, and retend that i am in fact, a genius, not just a fifteen year old girl with nothing better to do.
i have better things to do actually, i just choose not to do them, and then when i finally think that i can be bothered, i just dont.
at the end of my bed, on what used to be a trunk full of shoes and is now a bedside table, i can see a picture of my old dog, Rose Red.
makes me think about what an absurd family i am from. what sort ofperson names a dog Rose Red? its just stupid.
i have a rash on my shoulder, and it's itchy, and i think the wool of my scarf might have set it off. can't be sure though.
I feel like downloading some good music, but i just dont know if i can be bothered.
okay, im going to disappear into the mists of avalon now.
BAI

Just thought i'd say:

i miss my boyfriend.
thank you and goodnight

last night, i fell in love without you

i want to go sailing, because the beautiful Bree Yeomans made me think about it with her facebook status :0
how excellent
so right now, i believe that i should be doing something that helps in achieving something or nothing
hi, im vicky pollard, and i enjoy to be fat
that is all my young rapscallions, now you go and pimp out your pencils
nah man, i wouldnt waste a whole post on just that dont pimp your stationary till later.
i cant wait to study for exams, im so pumped.
i will do it in complete excellence, and it will be amazing.
i am wearing a slouchy hat and doing my nails, which while extremely feminine and awesome, is not having any imput towards my future successfulness.
i am not down with this, but i shall continue in my epicness for the time being.
so im sorry that my writing this evening is not as humerous and witty as most other evenings, im feeling very uninspired, and a little drab.
well actually im full of inspiration, i just dont know how to draw it from myself and inject it into my words.
i havent seen anything amazingly incredible lately, which is a little disconcerting, because i sort of count on things like that to keep me happy. and by that i mean, i need to see a beautiful picture, or something odd and hilarious, or something deeply and profoundly saddening to keep me believing that there are still people on this earth that know how to touch other people without even meeting them.
those are the people i want to know.
well actually im not sure if i do want to know them, because i think if i knew them inside, i would find out things i didnt want to know about them, and suddenly my whole image of them would be ruined.
thats what's so hilarious, is that sometimes we're too scared to let someone close to us, not because of what they might think of us, but because of what we might think of them.
i dont even know if we realise it, or if we just block it out and decide that its something else entirely.
i think the second one is more likely, because since we're human, we suck.
thats another thing thats strange about us. we've like, trained ourselves to be able to block out all these feelings that we really should know about we all complain about being hurt. no one can possibly say that they havent once posted something on facebook about being tired of getting hurt, not even me, and im awesome.
but the thing is, its our own fault. if we just stopped fooling ourselves into beleiving things that arent true, and saw our emotions how they really are, life would be one million times better.
we mistake mild affection for love, we think our lack of motivation is loneliness, and ninety percent of the time, we throw ourselves into depression because there's just nothing better to do
we're stupid, and naive, and we know it, but we choose to ignore it.
thats whats great about being human though,
we were born to fuck up, and regret it until we die.
and maybe a few people will succeed and be happy with their lives, but they'll have to cheat and lie to get there, and the fact that they did that will lurk in the back of their minds forever
we cant truly be happy, we're made to suffer.
so lets all don our bright colours, and run out onto the street, and throw bottles on the ground just to piss people off, and stop being afraid of everything thats going to hurt us, because in the end, if we embrace the pain, it's not so bad make it a part of yourself. own it, and dont let anyone, including yourself, convince you that its bad. its something we feel, and if we truly want it to, it will pass.
meow,
bye

hello, i am looking at you.
yes, you with the purple t-shirt. what did you do, jump in a tub of grapes?
oh, you did.
that's interesting then.
well, lets begin.
today was extremely unsuccessful, and a bit of a downer. i found myself surrounded by screaming young children, right after having a cold shower and cleaning my room, which, while it sounds rather pleasant, was in fact, one of the most annoying things that could possible happen to anyone. ever.
in other news, i watched 'The End of The Line' with daniel, Bree and Rebecca, which was increasingly lovely, and now i am considering dropping in on daniel, to see him and his sister, and be their friends. goodnight you young trolls, i will observe your falure when i arise tomorrow morning.

I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it.

listen to : The Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen

hai thar,
today i decided i wanted to live on the beach. I dont care if its not in a house, i just want to live on the beach, and wake up with the sun, and walk as far as i can every day, just to find new things.
In other news, im really quite into the idea of having a cigarette right now, but unfortunately, that is just not possible.
I hate the cold because it makes the bluetack on my posters go funny and they fall down. cant say i enjoy it without lying through my braced up teeth.
i want to go for a walk, but i have no one to walk with, nor do i have anywhere to go, and walking with no goal or company is not very intelligent, even though i am just in bridgewater, and the liklihood of being raped or stabbed or attacked by zombies is so small its hilarious.
last week i found a picture of jesus in my glovebox. no i didnt, but i really wanted to.
i really miss summer, when there are jonquils all over the place, and i can get mulberries off the mulberry bush, and stain all my white shirts with wine when mum makes it. i miss sleeping without quilts, and walking through the sun, and bludging school to go to the bay, and jump off the highest point of the jetty. i remember the first time i did that, and how my stomach dropped when i stepped off the pole and swimming for the surface really quickly because i was scared of sharks. it was fairly amazing fun.
first 28 degree day last year, i went to the bay and got so burnt i could hardly move. it was amazing. even waiting in line to withdraw money was amazing, i dont know why. it was just so happy. It's not going to be the same, ever again.

the real question i must ask is:
'can you dance like you fuck?'

riddle me that bebe.
there is something indescribably excellent about fingerless gloves and chipped black nailpolish. the only thing i need now is a cigarette and a camera, and we have the best photo ever.
so i found out that i really just want to slap some people today. those ones who think they're the best of the best. the ones that us mortals dream of shooting in the ass.
I also found that i misjudged some people, and that while they are stuck up and almost unbearble, there are little bits of who they used to be still in them, and somewhere in there, they have a heart, but they lost it, just like everyone else will.
i wonder where it all goes. all those bits of yourself that you lose, and never find again, but constantly miss.
i wonder if i met the old me, would i still want to be her, or would i rather be who i am now?

im listening to 'weightless' now, by all time low, and i just realised that the song explains how i feel perfectly. generally i hate that sort of cliched shit, but its true. i am fucked, and im stuck, and i need something to get me going somewhere good. because to be honest, people can love me, i can love people back, but what the fuck is that going to matter if i fail everywhere else.
can someone reallly love you if you dont even know who you are?
sometimes i think that im two people.
somewhere inside of me, there's a part that knows who im going to be. some part that knows, and always has known, exactly what im going to end up doing, who im going to end up with, what im going to be like. and then there's the me now. the outside bit, the brain that doesnt know yet.
i wonder when i'll be that part of me. probably when im dead.
thats the bad thing. none of us are ever going to be truly happy. we're going to live our whole lives with regrets and sadness, and we're going to die with it too. thats why i hate the thought of reincarnation. it just means that the human race is doomed to an eternity of hating itself, and struggling. it also means that we dont have a reason to be here.

like, there's that belief that you keep reincarnating as different things, depending on how you lived your past life. its stupid, because then we're all just going to keep living, over and over, and never get anywhere. if we cant remember, how are we supposed to be better than we were before. is it supposed to be instinctual. because thats just stupid.
my instincts tell me to get the fuck out of life before we fuck it up even more.

thats all.
goodbye

hello young children

jesus loves you, which i think is rather nice of him, because you're all hypocritical, procrastinating young douchebags. I say this after having bludged at least half of the last week of school, facebooking a ridiculous amount rather than doing homeworking, and going eighty dollars over my phone cap, but i believe it still has relevance.

my cave (bedroom) is feeling much to clean this evening, despite the fact that its just obscenely messy, and i think i'm lying on doritos. I am listening to Echo and the Bunnymen, which makes me rather happy, and its all dark, which is sort of scary, but sort of cool at the same time. all i need now is coffee and a cigarette, and i would be supremely happy with myself.
yesterday, i almost spent the whole day at school, but then i left, and it was actually sort of great. i love walking the train tracks from school to stirling, mostly because i walk on the rails and look at my shoes, and the little bows on them make me happy.

that is all.
bai

HAI
so im tired, and my life is going down the drain, and i cant think of a name for my new blog. Im going to go think for a little while. whats something totally contradictory but awesome at the same time.
i like too weak to stand alone, but i dont know. its very confusing >_>