fuck you.

so its the beginning of 2011 and im in bed listening to Jason Derulo, who i fucking hate.
and im eating chocolate and doritos, and trying to stay happy.
i hate new years. everyone end up alone, and unahppy, or totally drunk and fucked up.
wew, i hope they all get raped.
thats a terrible thing to wish on someone, but i'm feeling pretty bitter so i actually genuinely hope that all thse dickheads who think life is perfect get a harsh reminder that they're going to grow up and things aren't going to be as awesome as they are now.
rawrawraw. i think if all the people spending new years alone all got together and had one massive party it would be amazing.
maybe i'll do it someday.
throw an anti twenty twelve party. haha.
not even.
happy new years dickwads .
i hate you all.

the temptation to fall.

meow, good morning children.
it is much too early for my own personal taste, but im not complaining, because it's sunny and im listening to lovely music, and paying mum awesome amounts of money.
i am feeling pretty keen for work today, but i imagine this feeling is dissipate when i arrive there. weow.
the beach boys, while corny and terrible, are quite nice to listen to on a day like this. i say this because i could have sworn they just started playing, and then i realised that it was Van morrison, and now i'm almost a billion times happier with life. i'm pretty keen on the beatles right now, but its just not the right time.

i watched 'Day and Knight' just then. turns out that it's not a bad movie. possibly the only movie where Tom Cruise doesn't look like a midget in comparison to the woman he's acting with.
Last night i had the pleasure of viewing 'Cherrybomb' which is an english film with Rupert Grint in it. i think im in love haha.
nah but that was an awesome film, along with 'Veronika Decides to Die', which was pretty depressing, but it had Sarah Michelle Gellar in it aka BUFFY THE VAMPIRE OWNER!
so it was pretty cool. it was based on 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. I read that book when i was thirteen, and i loved it, and the movie actually did it justice. pretty awesome twist at the end.
i am wearing my blue camisole that mummy got me for christmas, and i can't say i don't love it. me tootsies are wet from stepping on the yoga mats to clean them for mum so i can have a shower before i can go to work.
man i hate december, when mum washes all the yoga mats and blankets for work. there's always someone trying to get to the fucking shower.
dude, fastball just came on. most excellent band. makes me superbly happy.
i feel really good lately, which is a refreshing change of pace. yesterday i spent most of the day holed up in Daniels lounge with Bec. probably the best day since back in november.
early november.
pretty displeased with the temperature of my coffee, but that's what you get for putting extra milk in. i wish mum wouldn't make them so goddamn hot. thinking it's time for season four of skins in a minute, but first i have to partake in the excellence of Frankie Magazine. It's going to be really exciting, i want to read the letter to straight men again. that was witty and lovely, and i enjoyed it in a pretty biblical manner. new years eve tomorrow night. i don't know if i want to go out with beck, or with work people. i really don't know if work people is a great idea, for many reasons. then again, neither is going out with rebecca. maybe i'll just have a quiet night with me myself and i.
that's generally when i'm the happiest anyway, and i dont want to start 2011 unhappy. that would be the balls of the universe. i know that if i go out, i'll be unhappy.
oh well, i guess im going to decide later on. what's the bet i'm going to end up going out and being unhappy. i really need to refrain from doing stupid things like that. i feel good now, but because i like to sabotage everything, i think i'll probably wreck that. you know what, fuck it. im not even going to think about this right now. New Years can go fuck itself, I'm just going to be happy.

holidays are so deceiving. you always have an awesome time the night before, and then on actual new years day, everyone wants to die, because they're so goddamn hungover.
weow, i think i'm going to be intelligent this year.
because that's what i'm like, intelligent.
hope im not the only competent one at work on saturday though. haha fuck that, im one percent competent, on a good day, so we'll just see how this all goes. certainly know that im not getting drunk on friday night. not with anyone.
anyway, back to michale jackson and getting my rent on kidlets, guess i'll talk to you later on tonight.

im totally glad i dipped my pen in your ink

fuck im feeling good. this always happens at one in the morning. i feel like jesus, right after he took his rest on the seventh day.
I feel like cheese supreme doritoes.
i feel like a hunk of butter melting over a big old pile of flapjacks. im loving it, much like mcdonalds.
im loving the prospect of another day at work tomorrow, genuinely. im looking forwards to seeing my best friends, and not finding my camera. finally, i've worked out what it takes. it takes being alone, being happy and realising how to let go. of course this will all go out the window when i see him tomorrow, but that's all right, i feel happy for now, which is super exciting.

GO FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSES LEAD.
i am going to kill life. im going to kill everything, but in the best way.
i cant wait till i achieve long hair again, and remember how to smile properly.
Its going to be amazing. everything going to get better and suddenly im going to to be all right again.
its really exciting.
i think i love myself more than i did before.
man im a slut. hahahahahahah
fat.
easy come, easy go, thats the way im going to live. its going to be heroic.

i gave justin a blood nose accidentally at work tonight, which was pretty grim. cracked him on the head with my elbow. man i need to lay off the drugs.
WOOOOOT!
reowr, black and blue, beat me till im numb.
you smile at my face then rip the breaks out my car.
shotgun going through the pain, dying for you, even though you wouldnt do the same for me. thats all right, because i think you're worth more than me.

i miss drinking scotch in the beanbags because we were too scared to sit in your dads chair.
i don't miss the ornamental candle sticks though. that hurt like a bitch.

its pretty radical, that im not afraid anymore.
i can sit outside in the dark and finish a smoke without wondering where the rabid wolves are.
honestly, i dont give a damn.
i shut you down and now you're gone. gone from my head, gone from my heart, gone from my life. i love it. i dont miss you, i never will, you ruined the best years of my life, andi hope you hear this, just quietly, and live with it forever.
coz you fucked my shit up bitch. you fucked it up good.

in fact lets be honest, we were awesome. we were the best of the best, and we fucking ruled the pixies of the world. we ruled the court. we basically just ruled.
i fucking loved the way i was with you. you brought the best out. you said fuck the world, and i joined in.
maybe i was a follower with you, but i was the best fucking follower ever.
much love.

fire equals fire

nuggets of wisdom from the king of the friers.

so, hows this for mood swings. i am supremely pleased with myself.
this is all, goodnight.

so here comes another night of feeling crap.
lets recite how work went. lovely lovely lovely, although i did get raped by stirling plates at lunch, and then all was lovely untl about half past six, when i realised we only had enough meatballs for lanas stirling plates for the function upstairs, and we ran out of capsicum, and prawns and all other things,
and then someone ordered eight pizzas, and i had nothing left, and it made me so angry i think i told everyone to fuck off when they tried talking to me.
i talked to ozzy though, he helped me out, and it was good.
we took the bins out, had a cigarette, it helped a lot, as i was getting pretty angry. then i skewered my wrist on a hook, cut my ginger open with my ring and pierced my ear on the edge of the mixer. it hurt.
then i came home and had a fight with mum. there's nothing i hate more than talking to mum. i hate it when she tries to 'talk' like a mother and daughter should, because we're just not like that.
i know it, and she should know it by now. we just don't work that way, and we never have.
i hate being part of a dysfunctional family sometimes, but im used to it, and its not just going to change. there's too much we don;t know about each other, and no way to fix that.
its not just about being honest. if i were honest with her, i wouldn't be her daughter. she would have disowned me a long time ago. i know it sounds like im assuming, but i know my mum, back to front, and i know myself, and therefore i know what is and isn't possible between. a civil relationship is, and an understanding isn't.
this would be so much easier if she would back off.
tonight she asked me who my friends were, and it was like she doubted that i have any. she asked me who was watching my back, and i had no answer. she asked me what i do that makes me happy, and i couldn't believe she hasn't worked that out yet. what does she think im doing?
i haven't worked myself into the ground for six months for something that i dont love.
she treats me like i am an idiot.
i can be, but i can also be intelligent, and she doesn't give me the chance to show her that, because she's always focusing on what i do wrong. i understand how she feels, because that's how i am.
i dont know what to do. i feel like crap and no one is here to listen to it.
i can;t even tell anyone, because i feel like all i do is complain.
i guess that is all i do.
night.

see far below the dust of conflict settles on the hill

i am having a pretty abysmal night so far.
i want to punch myself in the face for saying the things i said, making people doubt me.
there are so many things i wish i could take back, that i regret so much.
i want to break my phone, take out the sim card and crush it. i want to lock my door, turn off all my lights, close all the curtains and never speak to anyone again. i dont want to go on facebook anymore, or talk on the phone, or even fucking blog. i just want to shut myself off from the rest of humanity and wallow in self pity and hatred for fools who really just don't understand.
unfortunately none of this is possible, so im going to stay up until my brothers get home, eat some fruit salad and try not to get to depressed.
it would help if i could attain some cigarettes, but i can't, because its super late, and no one in this house seems to have any money.
im hating life, in the most basic manner.
i hate being let down. i hate feeling inadequate in comparison to other people. i hate feeling like people really do care, they just don't care enough. it makes me feel like the bad person, for wanting too much. why can't i just be happy with what i get.
i feel greedy and selfish. i don't want to feel this way. but im not sure if its just a feeling, or if its more than that. is this the person that i am now? if so, why should i bother.
its so hard, like giving up smoking, or letting something go, so difficult to break a habit. and thats what this i guess. a habit that i can't break.
then again, i find it too hard to break any of my bad habits anymore. i dont have any self control, or even a will to make myself a better person, im happy as i am, which is not a good thing.
im happy as a tired, mentally retarded, depressed, hateful, selfish, greedy, foul tempered sixteen year old girl.
does that sound good?
no it does not.
its times like these that i would rather give up than keep going, because the alternative to life is death, and that's a hundred times easier.
but the thing is, i don't want to be like the people who make me feel this way. i dont want to take the easy way out just because i can, i really want to just fucking show them that i am more than that.
thing is that im worried im not. maybe 'that' is all i am.
maybe they know better.
that fucking scares the living daylights out of me.

so today dear god, what the fuck do i do?
dear lovely fuckhead in heaven who is so selfish he can't even fucking let his own creations be happy, what the fuck do you want me to do. follow the righteous path? awesome, what the fuck is the righteous path? what the fuck are we all supposed to do. end up alone and die ina cesspit of our own depression, only to find our way deeper into afore mentioned shithole till we get all the way to hell and suffer for the rest of eternity? sounds like a fun story.
because no one is truly sorry, no one is truly righteous, and the people who get to go to heaven may as well be parcels in a lucky dip.
so fuck you, because you haven't given me any fucking answers, and i have no idea where the fuck im going.
ill wager its hell though, and earlier than expected. hit me with a car god, please.

quite playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

relax i ain't going back to that now.
i don;t know what to write tonight. its a lot easier to let workds out when you're upset, but tonight i feel all right, so everything just gotten a bit harder. its easier to feel sad, than to feel happy.
its all about self control.
which i have none of. if i listen to enough depressing music i get sad, but if i listen to one song thats about getting clean, i suddenly feel motivated and show people they're shit and im jesus.
i want to smoke another cigarette with my brother, but i can't be bothered. i love my brothers. we're never going to grow apart, and thats the best thing. you can't forget people like the boys. its sad, because i think that i won't ever be able to go back to england unless they come too.
i remember playing bang bang with them, and telling my little sister scary stories about a gutless guy at liadhans uncles farm. man it was the best childhood i could have asked for. i remember absolutely loving washing the dishes every sunday at church, and hating the day they made us stand up when we said our prayers. i remember going into the basement at magill and picking out bibles. it was fun, and then i got older and it got boring.
i like towels, and for some reason, i like them to be white and fluffy, and heavy when you hang them up after washing them, because it means that they're lovely and warm when you get out of the shower. i also like loufas. they are the most amazing tool in the world, excluding the obvious.
i like jews, and their big noses, and how for some reason they're realy good at crunching numbers. i hate sites from which you can only download half of songs, and generally they are terrible quality.
tomorrow, i am meeting rebecca gabrielle for lunch in town, getting presents, going to the beach and then getting an ounce with daniel, for christmas day, which should be pretty legendary.
maybe i'll suit up and take barney to dinner ;D
i think porn is funny when you're drunk and play it in fast forward.
saturday morning i plan to get really drunk with bec and dan over a champagne breakfast, and run around screaming for the rest of the dat, purely because its christmas, and i can.
i think i love christmas. i think i should see my dad for dinner on christmas nightlight.
i love fairy lights. IM GOING TO GET FAIRY LIGHTS IN TOWN TOMORROW. o like the white ones, because they make me feel like god. i dont know why, but white light is better than yellow light for being all empowering, but yellow light is just amazing for chilling out and being a vintage motherfucker. i like the internets way too much to actually be a full vintage head person.
i went on omegle the other day, and i was having an amazing conversation with a person from canada, and then there was a system malfunction, and we got cut of mid-conversation, and because its omegle i never found him again.
it was sad.
i like those people you never meet, but just talk to, and love the shit out of, because you dont know them completely, you just know their minds.
its beautiful.
its amazing how people can be the best, or the worst, or a perfect mixture. sometimes the worst people used to be the best, and the best are the worst on the inside. its amazing, and scary, and confusing, but i think i like it. which is strange, because i feel that just yesterday, i was saying how much i hate people, and life, and everything. that's what depresssion does i guess. OH WOW THAT SMELLS GOOD.
i love food.
I Saw what you did, take that 'Prince DVD out of your pants...and put it in my pants'
hey fuck you kids, its fucking prince.
man i love silversun pickups, they are amazing.
i feel like maybe i should clean out the empty fish tank on my desk, because the plants in it are getting festy, and freddy the axolotl died in august bahjahahahaha. man im so festy, leaving a fishtank like that for four months.
well i just had a cigarette, and it was lovely. dom is playing wow. i think its funny that a few months ago he was seventeen, and i champion salesman for telstra, and now he's eighteen, and a jobless bumb.
growing old is getting old.
i would like to stay young for a little while longer, but i also just want to get this shit over and done with.
i hope, and i know this is mean, that i dont end up like all the other chefs. i want to stay nice. i know they are nice, but i dont want to get arrogant, and i dont want to be mean to the apprentices.
and i certainly dont want to do things 'the right way'
i want to change shit up. and change it good, because shit shouldnt always be the same.
so for now i'll do what im told and shut the fuck up, but one day im going to be better, and its going to be biblical.
radical even.
one active download (a few seconds remaining)
i love how my computer tells me these things. actually i hate it. i hate it when the little bubble pops up saying the my computer is disconnected. DISCONNECTED FROM WHAT MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT?
somethings are just frustrating.
isnt it funny how some people are just not people. i cant write what i was going to write, because i've all ready had this conversation and i cant do it again with myself.
what i can say, is that people are stupid. what is so difficult about grasping the fact that the au comes before the a in restaurant, or that already is not a word, its actually all ready.
yay.
and now, i sign off, with much skill and dexterity, like how dom stacks his brocolli.
DUDE I HAVE NEVER SEEN BROCCOLI AT WORK. what the fuck. no broccoli? i am disappointed. i remember when me and louise used to call broc from primary school broccoli, and then we realised he had massive anger issues and freaked out because we were mean to him.
and when i screamed because steve and yolanda wouldnt stop saying actually.
that was great. and science lessons, that involved seeing who could spit the furthest up the wall, and making catapults and zach gave himself a black eye with his. bahahha.
good times.
okay bye now.

of course we can change, doesnt mean we're going to

i feel like a million dollars, but like a piece of roadkill at the same time. is that strange?
would it blow your mind if i ate desert before dinner? it would blow mine.
i think that the only things i love are things that no longer exist. i think that maybe i am going insane. i think maybe im already gone.
but thats all right, so long as im still alive, and i can still breathe, im happy.
see i make it sound like im happy with the little things, but im not. i like to be on my own. i like to dance when no ones watching, so they can't see my unbearable lack of rhythm. i like to pretend my life is a movie and there's always someone watching. i like to think about what i could do with my life if i really tried. i like to make things bright again. i like to listen to people. i like to understand what's going on around me. i like to know what makes other people tick. i like to be a friend, but i hate to have friends. i like to stay disconnected, but i can't help but be in amongst everything. i like colors, but i prefer things to be black and white. i like to be lots of different people, but sometimes it just gets to be too much, and i break down.
i like to tell people things, but im so scared that i say it, and then make it sound like a joke, so they won't think i'm crazy. i like doing things logically, and doing them right.
sometimes, when everything gets to be too much, i turn back into my old self, and suddenly i feel alone, because i think i've killed everything i had. i sometimes wish i was someone else, somewhere else, but then i think that's stupid so i cry with my head under my pillow and wonder why no one ever notices how i feel. hate people because they dont notice how i feel, even though sometimes i dont even notice. i hide it so well now, because i've learnt that most people don't care. and if people don't care, why should i try and make them?
thing is, everyones a let down in the end, and its makes me want to kill everyone. my faith in humanity has been dead for years, but im still alive, so i still have to make the effort. sometimes i wish i wasn't, and then i think about what might come after, and i get scared. i know i'd miss my hands, and my face, and my figernails, even though they're brittle and break all the time. i think i would miss my bed, and all the things in life that i feel for. i would miss music, and food, and books.
funny thing is, i wouldnt miss people. i think i could live in a world with just one person, and be happy. i hate people. i hate our brains, and the way we love uncontrollably, laugh like we dont mean it, forgive but never forget. i hate that in the end, we'll all be gone, and everything we've done, everything we wanted to do, it isn't even ours anymore. we're gone. we're a memory. we can live on in peoples minds, but in their hearts, we remain as tainted as we were in life. there is no purity. if i go to heaven, and am righteous and lovely in the afterlife, there'll always be someone here on earth that hates me, and so i'll always be that little evil bitch. IM LOVIN IT.

so im thinking maybe there are some things that i should probably never say to people. theres a reason i have secrets, and i should respect that. fuck you maggie, and your stupid, retard brain. fuck. you. to death.
on the same note, this evening has got me thinking, so this is dedicated to you, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, i miss you so much.
and im so sorry i never said goodbye properly.
i would do anything to have you back.
i think that's why im doing what i'm doing now .
love you, miss you.
rest in piece of pie.

too hot to handle to handle, too cold to hold

oh lord my evening has been filled with amusing pictures of cats, and harry potter with captions. i really didn't know that Gupert Grints favorite love song was the Spongebob theme tune, but now that i do know, im fully into that song. not really, but for peace of mind, I'll think that. i can't be in to any songs at the moment, because my computer is a psycho and i can't download music right now. fucking hating life. im such a cheap ass motherfucker that i can't be bothered actually buying music, but that's all right, I'll wait until utorrent is working again and then I'll own the world of music.
in other news, i just ate many cherries, directly after brushing my teeth, and i maintain that it was a pretty terrible idea. i suck at typing without my left index finger, but at least now i know which was is left by the ridiculous pain, and therefore no longer have to check which freckle is on what hand. not even kidding actually, freckles are ridiculous, and i don't have a freckle that helps me discern left from right, so i just make out that im writing, and whichever hand is good at it suddenly become right.
i know, reliable.
i wonder if anyone besides me has ever noticed that Facebook is a spelling error, even on facebook. it very disconcerting, and i can hardly say i like it.
woot.
i slept way too much last night, and now i am super awake and pretty bored.
i like jesus, sometimes i wonder if he is real, but he makes me feel safe. like i know what is going to happen.
im going to go to hell, sure, but at least i know that, im not just looking into the unknown and trying not to freak out.
i think. shit, what if there is no hell though.
fuuuuu-
problem?
nah not even.
so i spent most of the last two nights crying, partially because i suck at life, partially because i just feel way too emotional right now. its very draining, so i'e been sleeping a lot. mum got pretty annoyed though, because i got mascara on the pillows from the couch. not sure why i was sleeping on the pillows off the couch as i have about ten million pillows on my own bed, but i won't look into it, purely because i don't have to.
man i hate not knowing whats going to happen.
REMEMBER KIDS, DON'T BUY DRUGS...BECOME A POPSTAR AND THEY'LL GIVE THEM TO YOU FOR FREE.
much gay love and kisses,
dumbledor.

the wise woman

i like bananas. i don't really, they remind me of mushrooms in a way, but then again not really.
tonight, i am attending dinner at the Stirling hotel motel for all your liquid refreshment needs with a dear friend of mine names rebecca smith. i find it really annoying that her last name is smith because when i have no batteries left in my phone and i want to call her it becomes very difficult to find her in the phone book. i should probably just write down her number elsewhere, but i won't because im much to awesome for those sorts of shenanigans.
so within the next few weeks, my room will actually have been completely covered in collages of some wort. swear to god, my bed is halfway glued to oblivion with floral fabric, my sound system is covered in orange purple and green paper, my walls have posters glued to them my favorite chest of drawers is covered with phantom comics, my lampshade has been drawn on, the backs of my bookshelves have posters on them. its fucking ridiculous is what it is. did you know that there is no word that rhymes with purple, except for urkle, which isn't a word, and doesn't really rhyme with purple. purple urkle is the name of some chronic purple weed from Canada.
don't ask my how i know this, because i don't know how i know. know.
sometimes i wonder why i write this. it really is the most ridiculous, unnecessary piece of shit in the world, but fuck you, im not complaining. this is what i do when i have millions of other things to be doing, but just cant be fucked doing them. woot.
he sees the stormy anger of the world and wants no part of it at all,
and as the weeping leaves of autumn curl, he feels the savage winter call,
see far below the dust of conflict settles on the hill, for there is no escape at all,
and as he spreads his wings and soars up to another level, he brings the eyes prophecies of war...
BLACK CROW, BLACK CROW, TELL ME WHERE YOU REALLY GO? do you fly into the sunset, high in evening sky.
seriously though, tell my or I'll shoot you in the face. man i want to watch law abiding citizen. that was an amazing film, and Gerard butler is truly a actor of biblical proportions.
i could go a corona right now, that would be amazing. yummm.
yesterday at work i cut off my fingernail, again, which sucks because its my index finger and now i find typing very difficult, and im not sure why im doing this, because of my finger.
it doesnt hurt anymore, which is good, it just sort of throbs inanely.
oh man, every time i say inanely, i want to watch black adder.
why do i have an ostrich feather stuck up my bottom? because the little pixies put it there, and why am i smiling inanely, because i think im about to con you out of a whopping great inheritance.

TWO THINGS MUST YE KNOW ABOUT THE WISE WOMAN! first, she is....A WOMAN. and second, second she is...
wise?
oh so you do know her then?
no that was just a stab in the dark, which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you dont shut up soon.

4 am forever

i dont know what i just did for six hours, but i think i might have actually slept, which is slightly biblical. im lovin in. god maybe i should go to barker, eat maccas and visit my dad. i feel like having an intimate dinner with a hobo, and asking them why we're eating meatballs at the end of hindley street on a friday night. most likely right after saying this, i would be raped by a drunken elephant. ew.
thats gross.
oh wow i have to leave now, that was ust too disturbing.

repettive beeping noises.

i've just been reading all my old posts and by god i was so much more interesting when i was fifteen.
DO PEOPLE JUST GET MORE BORING AS THEY GET OLDER?
methinks so.
but like, i used all bug words, and my grammar was good. now my writing is like a cesspit of foul-osity. like what the fuck was that? foul-osity? thats not a word. much like vomitous. i checked the dictionary, its not in there, but it sounds like a real word, so im going to use it anyway.
gosh darn i cant believe christmas is only a week away. it makes me feel happy to be alive to witness the ten millionth birth of jesus. why cant that guy just stay in the goddamn womb?
speaking of wombs, im pregnant.
not really, i just wanted to fuck with you, did it work?
it turns out that i know who you are, what you did last summer and how you felt about it afterwards, and i would like to speak to you about these efelings of regret and guilt you're having. i mean, all you did was drop a couch on a small rat named stanley, what's the big deal?
Stanley lived a good life, being hunted by vipers and visiting the library in your bag dear sir, now forgive yourself for his untimely death and move on to more sadistic things, like violins and men who dress like women.
goonight young children sleep like babies, but dont shit your pants because your wife doesnt want to wash the sheets in the morning. or accidentally roll onto your crap in the night and forever smell like a turd burger.
sorry that was gross.
night.

someday somebody else besides me, will call me by my name

good morning how are you, I'm doctor worm, im interested in things, but im not a real doctor.
i live like a worm, and like to play the drums.
turns out that i can handle criticism. i am currently in my musty smelling bedroom of questionable temperature, gluing floral prints to my bed frame. because im unbelievably vintage and cool.
my skull candy headphones make me feel like nothing else in the world exists, except for music. i wonder what the world would be like without music. we'd have something else to live for, but if music suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth, i think people would suffer.
i worked tonight, and it was nice. i like my job, and i like the people i work with. im just not sure im cut out for it. i guess I'll find out.
i think, and this is just an observation,
that i may or may not have massive issues with sleep. i suck at going to sleep when i should. what the fuck is with still being up at four in the morning, after an eight hour shift, being drunk and high and stressful conversations. what sort of an idiot am i?
there's incense smoke drifting into my face, and its way less comfortable than one would imagine. i can feel is probing my eyeballs from the outside, trying to find a way into my brain so it can get me high. fortunately it doesn't have to try that hard because im breathing it in, and that's a pretty surefire way to get it into my brain.
what an odd thing to write about. i should read some Agatha Christie and be done with it, but i cant be bothered, which is odd. i want a record player again, they're lovely. as far as i can imagine, vinyls are way lovelier than CD's. whoever though up vinyls was much better than the guy who invented the Compact Disc. they may be bigger, and more fragile, but they produce a nicer sound, and tend to contain artwork rather than shit mainstream crap that gets money for fucked up cunts like Lindsay lohan. i hope she reads this, stupid bitch.

i think kids, that it's time to get fucked up. actually there is nothing i would rather do less than get fucked up right now. i feel like being sober and loving life as much as i possibly can at four thirty in the morning.
i wish i was sleeping, then i could have a nice day tomorrow and not look like an overtired hag.
i miss having loads of music, because it all got lost on my last computer. its fucking ludicrous i know.
my eyes feel sort of heavy and my head spins when i close my eyes, but whenever i lay down and try to sleep i get really alert and awake. there cant be anything normal about this h aha.
im contemplating having a little lunch with my father tomorrow, but im not sure if i want to have it with him, or with Dominic.i don't know.
family Christmas this Saturday, in port willunga. or is it Sunday? i don't know but i guess i shall se tomorrow evening, when i see mother.
i am rambling now, and not in a good way. im writing what i think and i don't think that's very interesting most of the time. i hate muse though. some of their songs are awesome when im in the mood where i want to kill myself, only because they encourage that feeling with their gay shittiness though. but seriously, i enjoy a couple of their songs, the ones i heard first and the ones that I've had good times too, but other than that i basically hate the shit out of them they have very little real talent in their singer, and it makes me feel like im having someone complaining at me but in a singing voice. worst feeling ever, i swear to god. i wore green mascara today, and it gave me flashbacks. to what, i don't know, but they were flashbacks. maybe they weren't, maybe i just wrote down the word that seems to be blaring in my ear very repetitively. i cant help it, writing and listening at the same time is difficult. if i get too absorbed in the music i start to write what im hearing, much like i write what im saying when im trying to write something and talk to someone at the same time.
oh man this is so boring. for you i mean, the reader. i hope you have thoughts too, then you can console yourself by thinking that you;re glad you don't suck as hard as i do.
i feel like and outing tomorrow, to some sort of really big field, with sheep and kiwi's, and peanut butter and cheese. cheese honey banana and peanut butter sandwiches are Jesus. seriously, i would worship them if they were the higher power. they would be like pigs to the Jewish. god i should do that. just to freak people out, i should have a statue of a sandwich in my room, and have it buried with my, like the ancient Egyptians did with cats, that was just creepy though. i mean, wrapping a cat in bandages after taking out all its vital organs so that some guy could have it in an afterlife that may or may not exist. i wish i had beliefs like that. i wish i had been brought up reading about afterlives and reincarnation, rather than death and heaven and hell. basically heaven is a nightclub you can only get into if you;re a righteous slut.
hell however if like a slut on Saturday nights legs: wide open.
i love it.
the only issue with hell is that its like, your own personal nightmare. well that's what it is in my head. you don't get the company of other people, you get the company of your fears and hates, and its for eternity. can't say im keen.
okay my brain is getting sore now, and i should probably go to sleep, but not before i have shared this small nugget of wisdom:
don;t be a fool, protect your tool. seriously, im a huge fan of protecting tools. you don't just leave your power drill out in the rain, you take it into the shed. DO YOU WANT A BABY POWER DRILL AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE? you don't even know how to use your power drill yet, let alone raise the consequences. that metaphor was sort of sketchy, and a little out of whack, but what are you going to do, punch me in the face? feel free to do so, verbally.
through a comment i guess. or find me and punch me in the face, but i guarantee that if you do that i will fuck you up so bad with the crowbar i keep under my bed and you will regret the day you were born.
no doubt if your the sort of person who finds random bloggers houses so you can punch them in the face, you already regret the day you were born, and really just want to have your head shoved so far up your ass it comes out your mouth again. doesn't that sound exciting little ones?
really though, i don't keep a crowbar under my bed, nor do i intend to fuck you up if you try punching me.
i will simply kill you with the gun i keep in my pocket.
the hand gun.
quite literally, it is a gun made out of my hand, and it shoots invisible bullets that you don't feel, but they kill your soul every time i fire one.
anyway, im off to bed sad young children. try to think happy.
and if that doesn't work for the next five years, find the closest gun and shoot yourself, because after this shitstorm, another will come and you'll have to rebuild yourself over and over.
goodnight.

anyone can find the same white pills.

oh baby im fucked.notonly was thispractically the worst day ofmylife, butnow imstuck at ten past midnight, inmroom, with just scotch and cigarettes andhomework for company.i have a meetingwith the school at eight am tomorrow morning, at which i am supposed to show them a tonof homework that i havent done.technically right now i should be doing that homework, but insteadimon blogger, wastingmytimeandprobably everyone elses. i dont even know how long it is until i have to go back to school. i few weeks i imagine. i cant believe i've fucked up this bad. i was so ready for all this crap,i was going to show them that i was worth it and now i dont even think i am. i dont think im worth shit anymore.not to anyone. im a fucked up bitch that wont quite smoking and can suddenl only drink beer and cider.i've fucked almost everone i know over like a million times, and im fucking people over that i dont even know. everyones life is difficult,but right now i feel like mine is falling apart. all i can think about is nothing. all i can think about is attaining perfecton, and that just doesnt seem possibleanymore. icant even make the space button on mycomputer work. i havent eaten more than about six fries in the past twent fourhours, and im basicallyjust fucked.im sickofbeing a fat bitch. imsickofbeingstupid. fuckimjustsickand i need some fucking help. i need help. imfuckedandi need help.now.

can we fight to save our souls?

fuck fuck.
so why do people kill themselves. drag the razor across your skin and pray for the courage to press down? tie the noose and ask god to kick away the chair for you? watch a truck drive at you and hope the driver presses the brakes too late?
what are they thinking. leave the rest of us all here to take the suffering and make something out of it? get the fuck out before the color can even come back in to the world? don't even stay to watch the rest of us come out the other side of this shitstorm, bruised and battered, but still alive, and still human.
shit must beat down pretty hard before you can fuck everyone over like that. there's a point where its not about you anymore, and it starts to effect everyone around. imagine how many paintings we wouldnt have if van gough had fucking died face down that night he hacked his ear off? imagine how many people we've lost before the can make the difference they were supposed to make. imagine how many people have taken their own lives before they can change the world. imagine the people that are left alone when you take your life. fuck you. fuck you, thinking you can doll out shit like you're jesus. fuck you for having the courage to die. fuck you for watching us suffer through everything and not even taking us with you. fuck you.
baby im here for you, but i have to go.
you have no right to go, no right to lock yourself in a room and take a hundred pills while no ones looking. no right to leave us here to sort you out.
no right to sleep in a fucking coffin forever while we wait for our time to come.
fuck you, and fuck your useless death, because it didnt help.
you didnt help.

hey kids,
its been a long time. i've decided that i miss life. ever since i got excluded, i've been working most evenings, and a miss not having to. i miss covering my furniture with bits and bobs from magazines, and cutting up my clothes at one in the morning to make something better. i really really miss laying on the futon with a smoke, listening to Silversun pickups. i hate how life gets busy and everything you love just goes out the window.
like now, im laying in bed with a cigarette, blogging about life and godliness, which is just what i would have done before.
the great thing is, there's more to come. one day im going to be used to this. but the sad thing is, when i get days off, all i'll want to do is curl up on the couch and watch friends all day. its really difficult to make life more than just work and sleep. i see the same people every day, do the same thing all the time. I know i've said this a thousand times, but i want another change. i dont know if i'll ever be able to love one job enough to commit to it. it's the same thing with people. i hit the six month mark and freak out. everything is too serious for sixteen. i want to look back when i'm old and be able to say that sixteen was the best year, but so far it's not doing so well. maybe i'm looking for the wrong memories, but i think that maybe sixteen without so much worry might be better than what i have now.
i want to drink coffee and sit under trees, and have picnics and tea parties, and barbeques where people can talk the whole time and not get bored. i want to have people that i know well enough to just talk to.
i want to get out of bed and turn Sting up and scream really loud, but im scared that if i do, i'll wake up mum and the boys, and maybe alert some zombies of our presence.
i want to cry without feeling self concious and be able to walk past a reflective surface without looking at myself in it and wondering who the fuck im trying to be.
i also want this blog not to end up a string of blasphemy, broken up with some english.
one day i'm going to have kids, and i won't be able to show them photos of when i was sixteen, because all i've done is take drugs and fuck up.
maybe i'm never going to have kids. maybe im going to grow up and be just like i am now, a neurotic, paranoid, druggy with stupid hair and a fat face and jsut stay on my own forever. i should find a nunnery and wear the blanks of the nuns.
i guess thats all.

antique limb

Ohai there earthlings.
I am here to destroy you. But no seriously I love you all for no apparent reason.
Today I worked four three hours at my grandmothers partners business scanning and filing things like a pro. Then I went for a walk into Rundle Mall and bought a new straightener and a new jumper. I may have spent about a hundred dollars that I wasn’t supposed to spend, but god help me, I wanted to. I did a good deed though and shouted Matthew lunch. Because I’m awesome. And then I got a call, and my wonderful day was ruined with the prospect of actually having to work more at the hotel. So I spent six hours there making pizzas for overly fat people and not getting drunk with my supervisors. Not at all. I threw some fries into a sink and burnt a pizza, but that was sort of the height of my failure. I love Wednesday nights at work. I made like twelve pizzas and one bread and it was really exciting. It was very chill.

In other news, yesterday I went to my ‘Drug Diversion Meeting’ and it was surprisingly good. I wasn’t grilled about my drug use or anything, and the woman interviewing me actually acknowledged that I am at the age where people experiment with drugs, which was fairly amazing. And I also got all this awesome information for my presentation that I have to give to get back into school.
Hold on, I should probably explain what the fuck im talking about. I got excluded from school for ten weeks because I was found in possession of ‘drug paraphernalia’. This is also known as a pipe. They called the police and I was all unhappy about life, and then I realised I had ten weeks of school and life was fucking awesome again. It probably seems like im not taking it seriously but the thing is, I know what dope can do to you, and I made and informed choice when I chose to smoke it. I wasn’t completely ignorant. And plus. It’s not like im going t fail school because im doing all the work they’re sending me, joining and gym and working two jobs at the same time. As well as spending ever Thursday at VET in Piltarilla. SO anyone who accuses me of being a slacker can go suck a fuck, in the words of Donnie Darko, Hero of the nation.

And I found out that my boss is resigning, so my apprenticeship is in the hands of a completely new person, which is sort of stressful. It just means I have to impress someone completely different to ensure that my future is actually going to end up how I wanted it. I don’t want to spend the net two years trudging through school, hating every second of it, and getting pimples from year twelve stress. That’ a bad prospect, and im not keen. This blog post is actually complete procrastination because right now I’m supposed to be doing a two thousand work assignment of coffee for VET tomorrow, but I really don’t want to so I decided midnight was a really awesome time to actually go through with my promise of a thousand word post. No one actually wants to read one thousand words of me blathering on about my average life, and all the average things that happen to average little me, but you know, DEAL WITH IT. In a nice way, hooker.

This is the halfway mark, which deserves something equally as half way to make it awesome. SO the halfway fact of today is that I am doing this instead of writing in my journal. Tomorrow night I will write a journal entry, and then the next night I will be back to good old blogger, my faithful friend that only goes away when my computer gets attacked by a barrage of viruses and Trojan horse’s. I should also probably make a start on my chemistry and literacy work, which are also on my to do list of today. Oh well, guess that isn’t going to happen. I would like to train horses, but im really scared of them kicking me in the face. I can’t imagine that would be the greatest experience. Also, today I wondered how they make sweet and sour sauce sweet AND sour. It’s a very strange concept, but what are you going to do. I never worked out the answer, and I’m thinking of goggling it, but I am not really sure whether I want to know enough to type the whole thing into the search box. That’s right, I’m a lazy motherfucker, what are you going to do.

I think I’m going to get an undercut tomorrow, just to be an individual, but im not really sure, so I guess I’ll figure it out when I go to Dans. I think the only reason I worked tonight was for the extra money because I owe my mum something like eight hundred dollars, which isn’t exactly the most exciting thing in the world. My next paycheck will be going straight to her. The whole three hundred dollars worth. Speaking of paychecks, I should probably give my hours in to the office so I can get paid for that as well. That way I have a little cash for myself. I also owe my boyfriend two hundred and fifty dollars because he always buys my heaps of things and I feel bad, so I think I should pay him back, but that’s obviously after I’ve paid mum for my phone bills. That’s right, eight hundred dollars from overusing my phone. I am a tard.

I am also fifty words off finishing this, so I am going to bid you farewell now, and go do some actual work that actually means something in the grand scheme of life. Like learning about coffee. I should do that. It sounds like fun right?
No.

GOODBYE!

7155 6208

no one will ever know the meaning or relevance of the number above, partially because its private, partially because i want to piss people off.
on this night, the fifteenth of September, i have realized that my wit and charm has all but gone these days.
I'm mean and i yell at people and im just not a happy person anymore. im trying to think of a reason, but i can't. is it because my room is messy. or because i smoke? perhaps its because Jesus is frowning upon my sinfulness and sent his depression puppy to lick my hand. I don't really know, but my way of fighting back is going to sleep for a very long time and then waking up.
I don't have the motivation to write ridiculously long posts like i used to, but tonight i am going to try for one thousand words. I am currently one tenth into my goal. but im working on it.
In other news, i have a friend with a pregnant kitten, so im thinking about getting one of the babies, just for shits and giggles. The next ten weeks don’t involve any school for yours truly. Due to exclusion, I have been given ten weeks to do my thing, my thing being working multiple jobs, doing a tafe course and passing year ten, all at the same time. And maybe joining a gym before good old beach season. I think that this is SUPER FUCKING AWESOME (please excuse my momentary outburst of bad language) because well, school is like a really really small penis. I owe my mother five hundred dollars because of my beautiful phone bill, but its okay because I will soon be rolling in CASH!!!!

But like, seriously, five hundred dollars is tooooo much. That’s like, half a thousand dollars. Its mind boggling.Hey look, im a third of the way in to my thousand word post. I hope you are enjoying life and godliness, because I want a fucking cigarette.

shoul we get a female police officer here to search you?

i think that today might possibly have kille my spirit. that's saying a lot. personally i woul prefer not to be searched by a female officer.
thank you, but no.
and no, my fingerpuppet is not a drug mule.
thank you for that too.
so while im sitting here at home for the next five days, im going to shove so much work up my schools ass, they will regret ever letting me stay home an do it.
its going to be amazing, you have no idea.
my D button is having issues with life.
i think.

you

every though in your head is like poison to hear

im trying to think of something super duper creative to do, so i can take a photo of it and post it on here. i am getting my awesomesauce camera in a few days, so i can actually post the pictures of my thumbtacks in my other post, but unfotunately i am having to wait.

DOITNOW! ihave very little idea what that was for, but we'll go with it, won't we?
So, in other news, i really ought to be doing school work right now, but instead im doing this because um such a hardcore motherfucker. i dont know if you kids like that sort of stuff, but you knoe. Today i achieved the ultimate excellence of getting up at exactly a quarter past six in the morning. if there's something i never achieve, its getting up that early, unless i have stayed up the whole night before. I generally suffer greatly when my alarm goes off in the morning, because i don't go to sleep until about two in the morning, but this morning i was ready, and i am very motivated in that i have already finished half the work i have collected over the past six weeks.

wai till i get my money right

so i stayed up all night last night, until five am, when i went to bed. it was lovely, i made beautiful things and stuff, and it was really quite exciting.
here, looksee the excellence.
they're vintage print thumbtacks, and yes, that is me reppin' frankie magazine like a bad ass motherfucker.
i wish i was always this exciting, making pretty things. i made a picture frame with some of them, it isnt as beautiful as they are on their own. that's okay.
i went to the opshop, and bought a candle holder, and it really was rather pretty. it's like, a candle in a cage, which is exciting. i hung i outside, and it looked prettiful. now all i need is to get a candle for which to put in it.
i would like to be a silversmith, and make prettiful jewelery and sell it to prettiful people, and waste my time and get money and be whimsical without having to work very hard. life would be super duper good.
i just realised that i have a ridiculoulsy limited vocabulary, and then a second later i had a realisation that i dont really care that much.
there are two people next to me watching a film on a small contraption, and it sort of makes me want to die, because they keep laughing at the most unfunny things in the world.
while pretty things are all good, i am very tired, and do not plan to stay up that late again. falling asleep tonight will be fairly biblical though, and i am looking forward to it in rather a muchly manner. i bought two pairs of black boots, one of them a plain pair of black buffy goth boots with massive heels, and the other a pair of slouchy boots with little heals. they are both rather excellent, and i look forward too wearing them. it will be ridiculously exciting.
i have vet tomorrow, so i should probably rest up and look my prettiest for the course. i will iron my shirt tonight, and have a shower so my hair is all ready to be done tomorrow. and i wont take any nodoz, so i can fall asleep tonight. i need to check my hours at work, which is a bit important :D
i am quite literally just going to go to sleep in my free next lesson. i like the idea rather a large amount. i should probably do some work now, so i will talk to you and show you some more of the pretty things i made tomorrow.
xox

pretty ladies, with their bigshot beau's

this is really exciting.
11.10 am on the seventeenth of the eighth twenty ten, in IT room 2 at Heathfield High School, 99 Longwood road Heathfield South Australia, Australia, the earth, the universe.
it just turned 11:11.
if you write your wish instead of saying it, does it still come true?
fuck knows :D
i wished that my finger would heal up super fast and i'd be able to type with more that three fingers on my right hand, and write neat again, and wash my hair without a glove on. Shelley Rutgers, ass face extraordinaire is standing on a chair in front of the heater, flashing the whole universe as she does so.
and so, ms rose returns, weilding the white board cleaner and a cloth, fucking our shit up left right and centre, taking our phones, cleaning the whiteboard marker of our faces, making us look at her.
so like, i got my glasses yesterday. they are black, and have mustard yellow on the insides. i hate the yellow, but apparently i look ridiculously secreterial. people mean it as a compliment, and I've always wanted to look secreterial, so it's alll right.
Not.
teaguenson, the boy, is in mathematics as we speak, probably flunking, which is mildly hilarious. I'm a year below him and i'm probably better. but life is all about support, so i guess superfunhappytiems and things.
so far i have done approcimately two hundred and thirty one words, plus this sentence, which in my eyes is super exciting. tonight i am going to see inception with daniel wilkinson, matthew teague and bree yeomans. haha, bree has a hilarious last name. what a douche.
mum is very angry at me because she found out that i smoked the other night and threatened to kick me out.
miss rose just walked behind me and told me to stop. unfortunately for her, I have in fact, already completed the task ahead, and am probably the one with the best report on pumpkin soup.
that's life skills right there, comparing the dehydrated to the canned to the homemade. i am super tired, and think im going to take a couple thousand nodoz in a minute.
today i stored drugs up the ass of a small stuffed creature, and then swiftly dealt them out among the young school children.
I love how no one can spell. no one here can spell antidisestablishmentarianism, but i guess that's totally understandable, because it isnt in the dictionary. but like, if i asked lindsay Hawke to spell correspondance, she would flounder in the waters of knowledge and drown.
my head hurts, my hip is fucked, and i think im going to need a walking stick soon, but that'ws all right. i won't be broken again. just so you know.
so originially it was just matt going to the movies with me, but when i told Daniel what i was doing this morning at the bus stop, he asked if he could come, and i had to say yes so as not to be mean, and then i figured i would invite bree so that he didnt feel like the third wheel on the tricycle.

get the fuck over it - an introduction to life

its cold in my room, my hair is wet, i dont have enough blankets and im fucking tired, but hey look, I GOT THE FUCK OVER IT KIDS.
how about this: we get the fuck over the word fuck, and stop having a shit reaction to it, and BAM, it's just a regular word.
we've already built some bridges and got the fuck over them, so what's so hard about a little fucking word. why does everyone suck so much?
seriously though, you hate your life, get the fuck over it an make it better. you hate other people hating their lives, get the fuck over it and mind your own business. it turns out that its so not that hard you might die of surprise.
smoking: get the fuck over it, cancer is the only thing people die of anymore
school: get the fuck over it, when was the last time algebra came in handy for you mum?
war: get the fuck over it, there's no such thing as world peace, the little bitch in the back of your mind can confirm that any day.
life: get the fuck over it and kill yourself now if you're suffering that much.

if you want to, tell me its easier said than done, but to be honest, in my personal experience, its really not unless you make it. its only your fault that you're a dumb cunt who cant put words into actions.

two mornings ago a friend got up after a massive night, comes into my kitchen, gets a drink of water from the tap, drinks it, complains and then when i point out the water filter right next to the tap he says:
'its not my fault im fucked'
to which i say,
'yes it is'
because it is. your fault.
YOOOURS.
think about it douche.

love goes to love like schoolboys from their books, but love from love to school with heavy looks...

so would you believe, that as i write this incredibly interesting sentence, i am actually carrying out my suspension in 'ROOM 25' of heathifled highschool. in other words the 'naughty childrens room'. this should techinically be my recess time, therefore i should be in the hall, eating nomnoms from the canteen, but unfotrunately the year elevens have taken over that area which means i am banned right now. in seven minutes i will be forced to go back and begin writing my romeo and Juliet assignment, and then probably some of my convenience foods assignment, and then perhaps iw ill begin on my narrative for literacies. and possibly, very possibly, i may in fact work on my PLP assignment for work experience, although i did my work experience about four weeks ago. good luck getting my trainer to give me my certificate if my log book isnt even filled in right.
GAHH!

mindless self indulgence

i like smarties. i say this because my science lesson today went from boring physics to boring physics using smarties.

friday, five till closing.
sunday, ten till five
sorry, i just got a call from my boss, he gave me my hours for this week, but i have nowhere to put them because im in the middle of a maths class, so they're going on here. YAYYAYAYAAYYAYAYYYAYAYAYAAY

DAY6

-something you hope you never have to do:

i hope i never have to make a runner with someone elses drugs. i dont know why that would ever be necessarry, but just in case it is, i hope i never have to. like, if they give me the drugs, and then just as i'm about to pay them, a pack of rabid wolves come at me, and i have to run away. that would be shit.
keep your rebid dogs jesus, you rabid dog.

:D

DAY 5

-something you hope to do in your life:

sometime in my life i hope i learn to not regret. to choose wisely when faced with decisions, and hopefully to be a little happier because of it.

DAY 4

-something you have to forgive someone for:

i have to forgive my dear father for being a douche in so many ways. it will take rather a long time i imagine, and will be wraught with sorrow and anger, but like, i imagine eventually he will be forgiven. probably when he's on his deathbed, and i'll feel bad, and say it, but not really mean it, and then for the rest of my life, i'll feel terrible because i let a man die believing a lie.
YAY

baiii!

DAY 2

-something you love about yourself

i love that i can say something and make people laugh. its the best feeling in the world, even if people just laugh because they'd feel bad otherwise. laughing is win, and the fact that i can inspire it makes me super happy.
thank you

and goodnight.

DAY 1

something you hate about yourself:

i hate the fact that i always pretend to be something i'm not because i'm scared of what other people will think. i am who i am, i can try and fool them into thinking im something else, but i wont always succeed, and that scares the shit out of me.
stop it maggie.

see you tomorrow faceless people

just so you know

Day 01 ? Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 ? Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 ? Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 ? Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 ? Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 ? Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 - someone who made your life worth living for

Day 08 ? Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 ? Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 ? Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 ? Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 ? Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 ? A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 ? A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 ? Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 ? Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 ? A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 ? Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 ? What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 ? Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 ? (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 ? Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 ? Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 ? Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 ? The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 ? Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 ? What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 ? What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 ? Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 ? A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

looking on the brighter side:

describing words:
that is the subject o todays witty, excellent post.
but first, let me dedicate a bit to the amazing, lovely, indescribably excellent boy, Matthew Teague, who I have been going out with four exactly one month, as of yesterday. so i've been going out with him not for exactly one month, but one month and one day.
still, i love him with all my might. well, most of my might. the other ten percent i reserve for slaying titans and the like. but most of my might is dedicated to loving him, and feeling inadequate when he's a better boyfriend than i am girlfriend.
oh well.
i love you matthew,

and now, let us continue on to our original topic, describing words. i have decided that i do not in fact wish to use these words, nor do i wish to talk about them, so i am going to leave,
bai

god knows all the evil that we've hidden in our hearts

so like, wow,
i didnt know i'd been given superpowers. hold on,i'll just grab my crystal ball and see if i really am psychic. yes, i see kittens, gasping for breath.

hold up, that's me, being a dickhead.

i am the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end...

meow,

so hye i'm am neither the alpha nor the omega, nor am i the beginning or the end, but you know, even if the shoe is a little too small, wear it.

so yes, i am at work, again, after having avoided it for three days.

this morning i had a white chocolate mocha from Gloria Jeans, and my god, it was beautiful. i rather do love it haha.

mest week is Work Experience at the Stirling Hotel, ten till five every day except friday, which is two till eleven. can't say im looking forward to it one bit. i am very nervous, which is a terrible thing to admit, as i never get nervous about anything. well i do, i just dont tell people beause obviously i am the messiah, and i am perfect, and i'm just a whole lot better than everyone else, so obviously it would be weird for me to get nervous.

so now that i have explained that, let's get onto somthing slightly more amusing.

i was in town yesterday, staring into the distance while the people i was with were deciding where to go next, and i had this super profound thought. one of those thoughts you think that someone who is stoned should have. i was thinking how the only pair of shoes i've ever bought that really fitted me were trainers. otherwise i never get shoes that fit me properly. they're either too big or too small. the the trainers fit perfectly, every pair i ever get.

anyway, my thought was that maybe i can't get shoes that fit because i dont know myself properly yet. you know the saying, if the shoe fits, wear it. well, i wear shoes that don't fit. all the time.

maybe that's saying something.

and with the trainers. maybe i can get them to fit properly because im still ';training' to be myself.

hahahahahaha.

god it's funny, but it makes sense to me.

i mean, it's sort of weird, don't you think. well maybe you dont, but i do, and that's what matters.

anyway, that's my profoundity for oday, now I'm just going to go blathering about correspondence and accounts and the abuse of staples, and that sort of thing.

how exciting.

so currently, on my desk there is :

a computer, a mouse, a keyboars, a bunch of post it notes, a paperclip, lots of bullclips, a plastic thing for something, a red pen, a list of strata companies that close July 31st, a piece of paper telling me about a window, a used role of sticky tape, a pencil holder with a highlighter in it, a sumber nine sticker, a few annoying clips, some office stamps that i will soon use to decorate my arm, a stapler, a water bottle, aq bunch of accounts paper, a printer, a phone, a paper holder with papers in it, some plastic drawers with papers and envelopes in them, white out amd a piece of paper saying wonder woman.

that is all.

oh, and my phone. and some rubber bands

and you're face.

there is also a post it stuck to my computer that tells my manager whaty hours i worked, the date, and whether or not i completed all the scans for the closing of july 31st.

i have been gritting my teeth while scanning, and now my mouth really hurts, and im not exactly hungry for lunch, but i'm overheating, which is really just terrible, and i think the scanner just jammed, which is almost abysmal.

i could go make a cup of tea right now, but to be honest, i just can't be bothered, which is a bit hilarious.

i am overheating a bit, but i cant be bothered taking off my jacket, or my scarf. this could have something to do with the fact that i haven't eated since ten last night. thats all right. i have also only slept about five hours in the past eighteen hours haha.

so like, today's not going to be that great for me, unleses i stay very active, for the rest of the day. i dont know why, but as i write, there is the sound of a bell going, and im not sure what it is, but its rather monotonous and irritating.

kay ima go now.

BAI BEBE

i turn away as the sunshine fades to black...

there is no picture here right now, because the internet is being a slut, and i cant make it do what i want it to do.

i am tired, and in a terrible mood, and trying to distract myself with 'scary kids scaring kids', but failing in a fairly abysmal way.

there is literally no food in this house, which is supremely annoying, because i am really bored, and when i'm bored i like to eat, but obviously f there is nothing to eat, i cannot amuse myself.

im really quite tired, despite the fact that i slept for three hours just before, and then got woken up by a movie that was playing really loud. guess that's what i get for falling asleep in the lounge, rather than...another room.

so tomorrow i was going to go see the girl with the dragon tattoo with my mother, but it seems that i am no longer doing that, which is a bit of a shame. but then again, i really dont feel like it.

i dont feel like anything, except for food and

no food

squidgy squidgy

meow, manizzle.

okay so, there is no one interesting on msn, there is nothing good on tv, and pretty much nothing good to eat either. im hanging out for the roast chicken we're having for dinner, but since its only three thirty, i feel that i will be waiting for a while.

i have put Band of Horses on, and it is sort of lovely.

i believe i am satisfactorily bored, and i really feel like maccas, which is not good because it was all i ate for thursday and friday. talk about excellent diet. hopefully when i get home from the beautiful port willunga tomorrow, i will do something good or something. i am thinking of going out a little later and taking some photos, but i dont know if i can be bothered, because of the cold. oh well.

so explaining the photographs above, that's what i used to look like, which is mildly hilarious, but i thought i would put them up, because i actually prefer how i looked then to how i look now.

totally,

or something.

:/

okay so like,

yesterday night, i went 4wdriving. it was actually surprisingly hilarious. David drove the car into a tree, and broke the back tail light, which was sort of amusing, because the reason he did so was because the steering wheel actually responded properly.

and we watched some big bang, in a house in the middle of nowhere, and i renamed some persons dog bubbles, and scratched its ears, and it was lovely.

so yeah, that was nice. and tomorrow i am going to see 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' with mum, and i am actually looking forward to it. i am going to start reading the book tonight, and i think that should be quite nice.

i am really super bored, and i have no idea what to do, but this is not amusing me a satisfactory amount, so i will talk some shit later.

BAI BEBES

a book you read in reverse, so you understand less as the pages turn

so hey there,

im feeling the deja vu today, because i'm at work again, on blogger, procrastinating.

well no, im waiting for scanning to come through, which makes my actions pardonable, but you know.

thats what's great about having your grandmas partner as your employer. good pay, and not particularly strict. im down with it. so today my work load consists of many folders full of pieces of paper that make no sense to me, and i dont really care for them, but i have to organise them by date, and then alphabetically, and then by color.not the last one. that would be stupid, because the paper is just black and white. blergh, borinng.

as of two minuteas ago, i am consuming a blueberry muffin and a cup of tea as i work, which is really quite lovely in my opinion. i can taste cinamon in this muffn. nomnom. and when i say 'as i work' i mean, as i blog and wait for scanning to come through :D

i am actually not opposed to this job. i hate getting up at six thirty so i can catch a bus at eight, but you know, fifteen bucks an hour and minimal effort, i guess i'll just deal with it.

so like, its freezing outside, but im overheating in the office because everything is so gosdh darn hot. i swear, its like alaska in here in the summer, and fucking africa in the winter. extremes.

i hate it, especially because i just happen to be wearing alll black today, which was useful on the walk here, but now its just annoying, and unfortunately i can't just strip :P

we'll bear our consequences in silence

i'd like to have a shower, clean my room, clean my ear piercings, reposter my walls, call my work experience man, go to work, see my boyfriend, go driving with friends and eat some pancakes, but i really just cant be bothered.
i personally, am tired. tired of being tired and unmotivated, and surrounded by amazing people that make me feel totally inadequate and terrible at life. maybe that's why i dont like my friends very much. maybe they make me feel inferior, and hence, i do not enjoy their company.
maybe, but maybe not.
okay, so right now,the thing i want most in the world is to go on a massive expedition to the middle of nowhere, and camp out with a fire, and sit and talk to my best friend, and just fool around like loonies with pen and paper and songs about pina coladas and rain, and then to just sleep.
sleep for ages and ages, and not have to worry about being anywhere, or doing anything important.
fuck this shit.
i am in a terrible mood.
i want to punch someone in the face, and then stop being me, and start being someone completely different.
personal choice i guess.
goodnight.

step into the night...

just so you know, the cruel, uneventful state of apathy releases me.
that is all in the way of profoundity this evening.
well, probably not, but for now, i'll stick with my blathering, and soon it will become your face.
or something.
In other news, today i saw the movie 'Grown Ups) with matthew, and found it to be ridiculously funny, and foolish, and i loved it.
so on tuesday night, my dear friend daniel pierced my ears for me, with a rather large and evil looking needle, and they're slightly uneven, but i like them haha.
my leg is numb, partially because of the cold, partially because im sitting on it, but i can feel that when i get up, i shan't be able to feel it, and it will all be very stressfull.
mreowr
so like, i cant think of anything to say, so im just going to talk .
my room is a complete tip, and has been for the past three days, so i should probably do something about that. i want to shoot the crickets outside my window, but i dont have a gun small enough, and even if i did, my aim is atrocious, which is unbelievably unfortunate.
also, i hate poh, and her kitchen, and i am thoroughly disgusted that they gave her a spot on my screen. it takes up time that could be used for something GOOD!
jesus poh.
i noticed that i say hurrah less and less these days, which is something that i frown upon. some would tell me to turn my froswn upside down, but i would probably just punch them.
so not my tinsel is falling off my walls too. good old christmas time, when everyone is feeling so happy they leave tinsel on the trees outside their houses, thinking that there are no crazy children in bridgewater who wil steal it.
that ony happens in mount barker, along with rape, murder and tax fraud. god bless mount barker.
little do people know that in bridgewater, your garden lights arent safe, nor are your solar powered christmas lights. not even your mail box. next time you invest in roll on lawn, think of that lovely garden statue you bought just last week, that you found beheaded at the top of your driveway. thats right, we did that.
and you, police. yeah you with the faces, and the badges. are you looking for the criminal that skillfully broke the windows of the public toilets? LOOK NO FURTHER!
actually no, i take that back, look a whole lot further, and forget this house, and its occupants, for we had nothing to do with it.
my jacket is heating up in front of the heater (suprise surprise garry!) and its sort of burning my back. hurray for salmon coloured skin. how individual of me.
so like, its dinner time,
but join me tomorrow, for more wit, and mayhap a little pain!!!!

so hey wow, fuck you

mreowr.
okay so, im watching skins with daniel, which is rather lovely. cassie is my favourite, hence the picture above.
she's just a little bit silly.
so earlier on tonight, i walked with daniel to his house, to requesition him some trackies and uggies tso that he could crash at mine, and it was raining. in other news, i bought a jacket, and tracksuit pants, and jumper and shirts, which was lovely.
we went to maccas, and inhaled a large double cheeseburger each, and an apple pie. it was nomom.
i want a gibbon, and with that gibbon i shall wreak havoc all over the world, and become jesus.
thats right, my gibbon will defeat jesus in a battle of wits.
in other news, i am in need of some straightenage of the hair, and some stuff, but i really cant be bothered.
grawl,
tomorrow, i will do something that has some relevance to life. this is a lie, but i will just pretend that i'll do it until i wake up at midday tomorrow.
all my posters are still falling off my walls, because i cant be fucked putting them back up, and my blinds are absurdly thin and not particularly warmy keepy inny-y
if you get what im trying to say.
which you might probably dont haha.
anyway, my wit seems to have slowly drifted out the window, and the episode of skins that i am watching is making me obscenely angry, so i really want to make the eff bomb every second word, but i'm holding back, because im that amazing.
god its incredible.
:D

my name is death, and the end is here.

all i can say is: thank god for absorbent scarves.
this statement may seem slightly odd to many of you, and thats because you aren't here, in my room, watching me drink my tea. this is a good thing, as if you were in my room, i would be slightly worried.
anyhow, i will explain:
i just took a mouthful of tea, and spat it out, and my beautiful wooly brown scarf absorbed it right up, consequently stopping the tea from getting to my fravourite white singlet, and making me indescribably happy.
and yes, i have removed the scarf, and am now sitting net to it, pondering its excellence with much reverence.
so like, my room is a mess, and im failing my VET course as we speak, because my work experience isnt organised yet, but i'm all right with that, because it doesnt matter really. in the end, im not going to be a chef, or a designer, or any of the things i want to be. im going to work nine till five in an office full of people i dont like, crunching numbers and making coffee and trying not to fall asleep on the job.
but the excellent thing is, that doesnt matter either, because im going to make it excellent.
im going to wear funny clothes, and put seven sugars in my coffee, and bounce of the walls all day. im going to irritate the people i dont like, and do all my work perfectly, just to piss them off. at lunch times, im going to find somewhere no one else knows about, and im going to sit there, eating chicken salad wraps, and pondering the excellence of life. and the best part is, im never going to go home to screaming children. I'm just going to live on my own, and be happy in my solitude.
and to be honest, that sounds like the best of the best to me.
but then again, god might prove me wrong on that one. i guess i just have to wait and see.
for the time being, i will find my white thread, and continue sewing the shirt that i've been making for six weeks now. im going to finish it, and photograph it, and place it on my next post, which will be as equally full of undeniably awesome things as this one.
no, i'll do that later. now i'll just continue blathering to amuse myself, and you.
so the year elevens have exams, as we speak. i think that's funny, because i have the week of school for work experience. that makes me laugh like a loon.
i miss my camera, and i want it back, so i can go outside right now, and photograph something, and make it all interesting, and then put it on tumblr, and retend that i am in fact, a genius, not just a fifteen year old girl with nothing better to do.
i have better things to do actually, i just choose not to do them, and then when i finally think that i can be bothered, i just dont.
at the end of my bed, on what used to be a trunk full of shoes and is now a bedside table, i can see a picture of my old dog, Rose Red.
makes me think about what an absurd family i am from. what sort ofperson names a dog Rose Red? its just stupid.
i have a rash on my shoulder, and it's itchy, and i think the wool of my scarf might have set it off. can't be sure though.
I feel like downloading some good music, but i just dont know if i can be bothered.
okay, im going to disappear into the mists of avalon now.
BAI

Just thought i'd say:

i miss my boyfriend.
thank you and goodnight

last night, i fell in love without you

i want to go sailing, because the beautiful Bree Yeomans made me think about it with her facebook status :0
how excellent
so right now, i believe that i should be doing something that helps in achieving something or nothing
hi, im vicky pollard, and i enjoy to be fat
that is all my young rapscallions, now you go and pimp out your pencils
nah man, i wouldnt waste a whole post on just that dont pimp your stationary till later.
i cant wait to study for exams, im so pumped.
i will do it in complete excellence, and it will be amazing.
i am wearing a slouchy hat and doing my nails, which while extremely feminine and awesome, is not having any imput towards my future successfulness.
i am not down with this, but i shall continue in my epicness for the time being.
so im sorry that my writing this evening is not as humerous and witty as most other evenings, im feeling very uninspired, and a little drab.
well actually im full of inspiration, i just dont know how to draw it from myself and inject it into my words.
i havent seen anything amazingly incredible lately, which is a little disconcerting, because i sort of count on things like that to keep me happy. and by that i mean, i need to see a beautiful picture, or something odd and hilarious, or something deeply and profoundly saddening to keep me believing that there are still people on this earth that know how to touch other people without even meeting them.
those are the people i want to know.
well actually im not sure if i do want to know them, because i think if i knew them inside, i would find out things i didnt want to know about them, and suddenly my whole image of them would be ruined.
thats what's so hilarious, is that sometimes we're too scared to let someone close to us, not because of what they might think of us, but because of what we might think of them.
i dont even know if we realise it, or if we just block it out and decide that its something else entirely.
i think the second one is more likely, because since we're human, we suck.
thats another thing thats strange about us. we've like, trained ourselves to be able to block out all these feelings that we really should know about we all complain about being hurt. no one can possibly say that they havent once posted something on facebook about being tired of getting hurt, not even me, and im awesome.
but the thing is, its our own fault. if we just stopped fooling ourselves into beleiving things that arent true, and saw our emotions how they really are, life would be one million times better.
we mistake mild affection for love, we think our lack of motivation is loneliness, and ninety percent of the time, we throw ourselves into depression because there's just nothing better to do
we're stupid, and naive, and we know it, but we choose to ignore it.
thats whats great about being human though,
we were born to fuck up, and regret it until we die.
and maybe a few people will succeed and be happy with their lives, but they'll have to cheat and lie to get there, and the fact that they did that will lurk in the back of their minds forever
we cant truly be happy, we're made to suffer.
so lets all don our bright colours, and run out onto the street, and throw bottles on the ground just to piss people off, and stop being afraid of everything thats going to hurt us, because in the end, if we embrace the pain, it's not so bad make it a part of yourself. own it, and dont let anyone, including yourself, convince you that its bad. its something we feel, and if we truly want it to, it will pass.
meow,
bye