anyone can find the same white pills.

oh baby im fucked.notonly was thispractically the worst day ofmylife, butnow imstuck at ten past midnight, inmroom, with just scotch and cigarettes andhomework for company.i have a meetingwith the school at eight am tomorrow morning, at which i am supposed to show them a tonof homework that i havent done.technically right now i should be doing that homework, but insteadimon blogger, wastingmytimeandprobably everyone elses. i dont even know how long it is until i have to go back to school. i few weeks i imagine. i cant believe i've fucked up this bad. i was so ready for all this crap,i was going to show them that i was worth it and now i dont even think i am. i dont think im worth shit anymore.not to anyone. im a fucked up bitch that wont quite smoking and can suddenl only drink beer and cider.i've fucked almost everone i know over like a million times, and im fucking people over that i dont even know. everyones life is difficult,but right now i feel like mine is falling apart. all i can think about is nothing. all i can think about is attaining perfecton, and that just doesnt seem possibleanymore. icant even make the space button on mycomputer work. i havent eaten more than about six fries in the past twent fourhours, and im basicallyjust fucked.im sickofbeing a fat bitch. imsickofbeingstupid. fuckimjustsickand i need some fucking help. i need help. imfuckedandi need help.now.

can we fight to save our souls?

fuck fuck.
so why do people kill themselves. drag the razor across your skin and pray for the courage to press down? tie the noose and ask god to kick away the chair for you? watch a truck drive at you and hope the driver presses the brakes too late?
what are they thinking. leave the rest of us all here to take the suffering and make something out of it? get the fuck out before the color can even come back in to the world? don't even stay to watch the rest of us come out the other side of this shitstorm, bruised and battered, but still alive, and still human.
shit must beat down pretty hard before you can fuck everyone over like that. there's a point where its not about you anymore, and it starts to effect everyone around. imagine how many paintings we wouldnt have if van gough had fucking died face down that night he hacked his ear off? imagine how many people we've lost before the can make the difference they were supposed to make. imagine how many people have taken their own lives before they can change the world. imagine the people that are left alone when you take your life. fuck you. fuck you, thinking you can doll out shit like you're jesus. fuck you for having the courage to die. fuck you for watching us suffer through everything and not even taking us with you. fuck you.
baby im here for you, but i have to go.
you have no right to go, no right to lock yourself in a room and take a hundred pills while no ones looking. no right to leave us here to sort you out.
no right to sleep in a fucking coffin forever while we wait for our time to come.
fuck you, and fuck your useless death, because it didnt help.
you didnt help.