roxanne, you don't have to put on the red lights

so, English brings many opportunities to waste time writing nothingness on this here intelligent site.
In other news, i am moving to Hackney quite soon, to live on my own in an apartment across from Botanic Park. i feel somewhat excited about this, with undertones of nervousness and stuff, because the prospect of living on my own is pretty daunting. I'm sure i can do it, i just don't really want to. but I can't sleep on Bec's couch forever, so I will attain an apartment, and be joyful.
joyfulness is win. Hunger is less win. i had coffee with Bec this morning, and used Fructis to wash my hair, and now my head smells strangely excellent.
I am so hungry though, because i left work too late to get lunch before school. And when i finish i have to go straight to meet Bec at trims, i can't even consume sushi. So i will eat Chow Minininins when we return home.
for honest, i should really stop talking about food. it sounds so nice i could die. well, not die because then i wouldn't be able to enjoy food when it finally entered my possession.
It will be lunch time here in approximately half an hour actually, so i may in fact attain some food then. But they don't have sushi in the cafeteria, and all i really wish for is sushi, which can only be attained at Sushi in the City, because they make the best Sushi, and i really enjoy watching the little Asians prepare my lunch to be honest.
I watched the Oscars last night, and fell in love with James Franco about a million times, particularly when he was dressed in the awful pink dress. Anne Hathaway was less appealing, even though she was wonderful in 'Love and Other Drugs'.
She cracked herself up a few times, and lots of people embarrassed themselves a number of times while accepting their little gold trophies. It was all much for the laughs, and then i fell asleep before it was finished, and that was the end. I did however, eat a satisfactory amount of hazelnut chocolate, argued with Bec about whether or not her cat loves her (she doesn't, cats don't love anyone) and made it clear the a gay person cannot play James Bond, especially not Barney Stinson.
It was all rather exciting really.
okay so I'm leaving now because my essay is being marked by Miss Mizpah, a name which never ceases to amuse me.
farewell

it's your heart not mine that's scarred

you didn't actually think i would end right before one hundred? That's like, a million words down the drain, nothing to show.
looking at my previous post i realize that i was actually very angry for some reason, i can't remember why, but it's nice to know that i was so explicit in my feelings.
Oscars tonight with Bec and Dom. Joyful.
I have had no relevant epiphanies in the last few days, except that I'm pretty sure you can't get an ingrown fingernail, which is partially good, partially bad.
the Marden Education Center Library is welcoming me, which is really awkward, because I've been here for three weeks almost. I should be in legal studies right now, but as its one of the most boring classes i take, and the teacher is fat and annoying, i am writing my one hundredth post instead.
i wish there was some iconic centenary picture i could put up, but unfortunately i can't find one, and even if i could, my computer isn't letting me upload or download anything. and in order to upload effectively, i must download, so life sucks basically.
anyway, I'm going to retreat to exactly the same place as I am sitting now, and write a ridiculously long To Do list for when i get home.
I'll finish about fifty percent of it, if that, and then I'll sit my ass down on Bec's couch and watch the Oscars with a glass of gross wine.
sounds fun huh.

end of an era

lets all be super something and end on a ninety ninth post.
i'm fucking good enough for myself. I'm good enough to live in my own head for sixteen and a half years.
but fuck this. i'm sick of not being enough for other people.
fuck loving yourself no matter what.
how the fuck are you supposed to love yourself if no one else does.
and not the love people have to give. fuck my family, im so glad they love me, but thats not all i need.
fuck fuck fuck,
fuck being enough for myself.
fuck it completely.
i wish i could get out of my own mind and be someone else, or just disappear.
what, am i supposed to live with being inadequate, or just wait like this until someone comes along that actually needs me.
im sick of passing this off as being a teenager.
it doesnt fucking go away. everything will not end happily ever after.
fuck there goes sleep for tonight. there goes being happy for at least the next week. there goes three fucking months of trying to hold it together. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you YOU MOTHER FUCKER.

you lips are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire

eleven o,clock.
wonderful.
still two and a half hours to go before i begin another lesson, and in about half an hour i have to meet my dad for lunch. my shoes hurt my feet, its hot and i really just want this all to be over.
awesome.
x

im gobsmacked
words escape me.
i have no one.
so im writing it.
my chest is all cramped up, i can't breathe properly.
can't even cry.
if this is some sick joke, someone tell me the punchline. i could sure use a laugh around about now.

i waited up for you, but you didn't come back home.

so, currently i am researching virtual courts in Legal Studies, which is the lesson that i changed into from Design. My teacher is a morbidly obese man with a booking voice and hilarious hair that looks like it belongs on a twelve year old. he can't say constitutional anymore, but i am not surprised. i read out one paragraph of the worksheet and i said it so many times that even i was struggling by the end of it.
I have so far gather seventy two pages of possibly useful interest, that i am going to take to work and print off, and then take home and study. I don't know why i chose legal studies, there is nothing i hate more than lawyers (excluding Xavier of course, because he is a winner).
still, its easy, i don't have to think in excess, and well, i can cheat because of the afore mentioned brotherhood.
its not really cheating, just researching via someone who already knows everything and will just tell me things when i ask, not give me hints and then tell me to google it.
oh the joys of life. googling things really is useful though.

we are ready for the seige

so a few wonderful things happened today.
first, i saw my sister for the second time in ages.
second, i got a new job.
third...well third i went and looked at an apartment in town with mum and basically fell in love a few times.
so yeah... thats that.

the scene painted golden as the sun rises over you and me

so, since i have no one to have pointless conversations with until the early hours of the morning, i am going to just talk on here. i will write the way i write when i write a journal. in other words I'm just going to drool about random things that have made me happy today, and the things that have made me sad or angry of indifferent, and then the things that have no relevance to anything. and i am going to do all this while sitting up straight at my desk, listening to the lyrical genius of Chase Coy.
mum made Hazelnut coffee and chocolate cake last night, for Callum's birthday,and i ate it for dinner tonight, because i didn't get any last night. it was fucking cold at the moonlight cinema, but between the two of us, Bec and i drank a lot of wine, so it was all right. and then we went home and got really stoned with Callum for his birthday.
I skipped design and went to work, which was all very exciting, but since i hadn't slept i kept falling asleep at my desk.
literally one moment i would be checking a scan for its accuracy and then i would be sitting there with my eyes closed dosing. it would have been easier to stay away if i had been doing something active and productive but i was just sitting in an overly comfortable computer chair staring and pieces of paper. you can imagine how that might put someone to sleep.
i just realized how goddamn fast i type, i started this whole thing about three minutes ago and I'm already this far in.
see what i mean, things of little relevance. i have been having such fun lately.
it's so much easier not to give a crap what anyone else thinks, or expects. i like just being me, eating what i want, going where i want when i want. its so much easier.
living up to other peoples expectations is always so overrated, because they're always disappointed in the end. you have to pass their expectations, and amaze the shit out of them to get even when iota of respect. love how people are so proud in today's society.
its sort of depressing, if we all got off our high horses we might see that we're still equal, we're just not as good as we thought we were, if that makes sense.
i noticed something about myself. i have know for a large amount of time that I'm like this, but i realized only the other day how unnecessary it is.
i realized that i find it easier to complain about things than to find the good in everything and compliment that instead. it only takes i tiny bit of effort, and you're a way nicer person.
for instance, Nathan Hammat, if you happen to read this, i actually thought that the lip ring was quite awesome, but rather than say that, i decided to say that it was gay. i think this was because i wanted to get a rise out of you, i hadn't slept in a while, i hate change (even though i also love it) and because well, for some reason saying that i liked it felt like admitting defeat. i don't know what sort of defeat, but it was defeat. i like to think that im way better than everyone else, and therefore find it helpful to abuse other peoples excellence just because i think i can.
so there, that's my psychoanology on myself or whatever you would call it when you do that to yourself.
wow that sounds a little bit strange.
i am listening to Greeley Estates, oh how i have missed them. good old days of all night MSN and Farmville at port willunga, listening to awesome shit like billy talent and Greeley, and drop dead, gorgeous.
own city always reminds me of sitting on the beach at sunrise after having stayed up all night sampling wine in a martini glass.
i always thought that was the funniest thing, drinking red wine from a martini glass. i don't know why, it always just struck me as strange. i guess it is, considering martini glasses are for martinis, not wine.
but there you go, i had fun.
i am wearing the coolest pajama pants right now. they are all checkered and awesome, but i tore the leg, so they should be in the mending box. however, mother always takes an eternity and then some to get to the mending pile, so i just wear them or mend them myself.
considering that i have dozed for two hours in the last thirty six, i should probably be going to bed, but I'm really not tired yet.
i just have so much stuff on my mind.
im really worried that im about to get a taste of my own medicine, and not the good medicine that i gave to the mute and deaf man in the Maccas food court.
the bad poison, that makes people sad and makes them hate me.
but you know what, considering i made this poison, i imagine that i have built up a serious tolerance to it, so i imagine I'll be fine.
and also, i sort of give myself a little dose of this stuff every seven months or so. i am nearing my scheduled time for poisoning right now. possibly even past time.
which is a bad sign.
anyway, since i sound like a loony rambling about self administered poisons, im going to be quiet about that particular subject.
me and James are trying to find someone overly sexual to stalk at school, because that's the sort of really mature thing we get up to in our spare time.
i have dinner at dads house tomorrow night for Callum and dad and Annie's birthdays, which should be good, and then i get paid on Wednesday, at which time i can dye my hair blue and green, as i planned. well technically Annie planned it for me, but there you go.
she added the idea of green and decided to make me into a mermaid. but that's the sort of wonderful crazy thing she convinces me to do, and that's why i love her.
which reminds me, there is an alleyway show soon that i must go to.
i freaking really want to go to one again. the last one was a complete bust because the address was wrong, but this time i am all detailed up, so it will be excellent. we can pull an Albert and drink cheap wine and smoke spliffs and pretend that we like the music that's playing.
unless its arcade fire, at which time i am going to die a few times, and then jump their bones.
anyway, i should leave now,as i am most likely starting to scare people. but first, i would like to make public the excellence of Mute Math. they are possibly one of my favorite bands. You are mine is the most depressingly happy, haunting song that i have ever heard.
maybe twilight did ruin them a bit, but then again, twilight managed to ruin vampires, which are the coolest things on earth. Stephanie Meyer has some serious Jedi powers.
i mean honestly, how scary is a guy that sparkles? it makes me want to grab a gun and shoot someone in the head. preferably a sparkly Fagot.
makes me so angry.
i really need to repaint my nails because i chipped them on the bus the other night, being bored as Jesus. i swear to god, i hate buses so fucking much. i cannot wait to spend a fortune on petrol and avoid them. it will actually be the best thing ever.
anyhow, i am off to listen to motion city soundtrack telling me how they're too tired to go t sleep.
sucks tits, but there you go ;D
xxx

singing along to this curtesy call

so, this afternoon, approximately an hour and a half before i finish work, i can't tear myself away from blogger and the joys of telling no one what i think about everyone. im listening to Cinematic Sunrise - Fingers Crossed for the Summer, and looking out the window towards the hills.
I don't want to be in the middle of town, but i'm not going to deny that the weather is gorgeous. i could go and frollick in a paddock around about now, but instead im cooped up in this tiny little office, which is actually quite spacious.
honestly though, i am so tempted to go out on the balcony and go to sleep in the sunshine.
i am on my third coffee, which is sort of not that bad considering it's only ten past one, but just you wait until the evening comes around. i will be fiending so much.
I have maths and english tomorrow, which is awesome because those are the two lessons that include the leasst effort.
well, mood has gotten significantly worse since this morning, but that wont stop me from being an absolute winner.
byebye!

finding a replacement with a heart sedated, i'll forget you

so, im struggling right now to be particularly artistic and wonderful in my writing at the moment, as i just finished the first hour of work, and my eyes are literally closing slowly as i check though dipshit papers.
i just want to sleep. im getting hell dizzy as well.
im pretty sick of me.

you did mean what you said, you just wish you didnt

so,
here is sit, at two minutes to seven in the morning, my laptop balanced precariously on one knee, and an extremely uncomfortable hole in the toe of my stocking, pondering the meaning of life. not actually, im trying to work out whether i should go to design this morning or just go to work and get paid extra money. i mean, i have a meeting tomorrow to change subjects into something else, so is it really worth me going to paint in watercolors in a class that ruins my week when I am dropping it the next day.
i don't know, but moneys sounds way better to me.
plus the fact that even if i get on the next bus, i will get there late anyway, so it defeats the purpose of even going.
then again, maybe i should go and check what time that meeting tomorrow actually is, as I've completely forgotten, and it's sort of mandatory to know times of things.
i went to moonlight cinema last night with bec, and got really quite drunk off five litres of wine (a mistake, may i say) and then i came home and didn't sleep. anyway, that excellent set of activities positively evaporated my suicidal state of mind and changed my disappointment into resolve.
resolve to be a better person you wonder? no, resolve to fuck up the next person that gets in my way, and not in a like 'i slapped you bitch' sort of a way. more a serious physical beating administered by someone very angry. me, or one of my associates. i don't really care, i just want someone to die pretty gruesomely. maybe i'll find the crazy guy on the bus and ask him and his meat cleaver to follow the stench of my undying hatred to my victim. I don't really know yet, but i guess we'll see.
i read my old journals again, so i think my violent mind frame in year eight has come back. but that's all right, i can deal with that.
so basically no matter what i do today, i am going to fall asleep at some stage.
i have to interrupt this fascinating broadcast with some news that just came in. we have a report that there is a report pending that there may be a report that Brand New are fucking awesome.
so i think i decided that school is a no go today, but as of yet i am not completely sure.
who am i kidding actually, i am totally fucking sure that i cannot be fucked with a pointless lesson today. especially with my crazy anorexic teacher.
I really need to clean my room. there's all my school stuff on the floor, as well as a giant amount of unworn clothing and a stuffed bunny. but i'll get to that, all in good time.
so, in other news, i have channeled basically all my emotions into a giant pit of depression this week, which was probably the most terrible idea ever, because i convert sadness into anger, and then i get angry at everything that moves, including Invader Zim on the TV at five this morning. And Bec when she made me make her coffee just as i was trying to leave. i made her her coffee, but i didn't put sugar in it, so who's laughing now?
i dont think you understand the full extent of my evil intentions when i left out that sugar. the woman lives on her sugar rush. maybe she'll cut her arm off on a saw at tafe today. i can dream.
anyway, im going to sign off, lest i blather more dribble and bore myself to death. let Billy Talent and their overly generic tunes to do that :D

wear our blank expressions, trying to look interesting.

there is always a little truth behind every 'just kidding.'
always a little knowledge behind every 'i don't know.'
a bit of emotion behind every 'i don't care.'
a little love behind every 'I hate you.'
a touch of uneasiness behind every 'I'm okay.'
some pain behind every 'forget it.'
fear behind every 'leave me alone.'
hope in 'goodbye.'
and there's always something behind 'nothing.'

have you ever thought, 'if i were to die tomorrow, who would care?'
i, in my wanting so badly to be heard manner, have thought this just about every day. It's funny because every time i tell myself, 'obviously not dumbass'
i mean, lets exclude my family because of course they'll miss me and cry but of course they will. they don't know how strange it is yet to have someone just disappear like that, especially when none of them expect it.
there's no way anyone will.
suppose everyone has their fill of morbid thoughts, including me.
byebye

drop everything, start it all over

so, i'm being a massive twat at the moment. I haven't slept since six am yesterday, because i decided tripping was the best idea. i had two tabs of the acid that didnt work with one tab, and it was noteworthy.
i mean, it was twelve hours of intense tripping and another four hours scattered as hell. and when i say intense tripping, i mean fucking intense. i couldn't work out whether i was moving my limbs or not, every time i closed my eyes the world turned into a bright neon letters that didnt say anything, and the couch turned into a giant lava lamp marshmallow.
i bought a half ounce too, and now i have about a twenty five bag left. then again, dominic and callum did smoke some, and buy some off me.
but honestly, i dont think it was a great idea.
i also tried butane, which was one of the suckiest fucking things i have ever tried. whose idea was it to breathe in lighter gas.tasted positively metalic, sort of like i was eating spray paint. yummy.
that was my shenanigans for the weekend.

i never really gave up on breaking out of this two star town

so i just wanted to say, that i would turn lesbian for emily or naomi from skins at ANY time.
thats it on that note.
i was thinking just before, about marriage.
i can't even comprehend spending the rest of my life with one person. its scary, lonely thought, but i mean, one person, until you die. it scares me, how you would have to feel to let that happen. its truly a mind blowing concept.
people change, and what if the person you loved changes into someone you hate?
i know, divorce, but if you don't have to put yourself through all that pain.
it sounds selfish and mean, but i would rather put someone else through a lot of pain, and suffer a little myself, than let them leave me.

but then, i guess im part of the cowardly group of people in the world. except i don't think of it as cowardly. i'm protecting myself.
yes, one ought to embrace the pain and make it a part of themselves, i've said that a million times, but everyone knows that taking your own advice is the hardest thing you can do. i know i'm right, that suffering is what makes us who we are, but if we can avoid it, and still be a human being, why not?
there's a thin line between being unapproachable and being careful. i know im not the first one.

then, after i though that daunting thought about marriage, i thought about eternity.
another thing that is much too difficult to comprehend.
its like trying to imagine nothingness. its not possible.
there is no end to eternity.
that scares me. sometimes i wonder what happens to the universe when we're all gone. all humans and animals... it would all just keep going.
sunsets with no one to see them, thunder with no one to hear it, and rain with nothing to feel it.
the idea is pretty depressing. all these amazing things, just passing by with no one to appreciate it.
even now not enough people enjoy everything.
i think everyone should have to stay up all night and watch a sunrise. it ought to be mandatory before you can get your SACE or something.
school teaches us how to do maths, or science, achieve what we want to achieve, and it matures us, but there's almost nothing that teaches people to see what's actually around them. so many people miss out on how fucking amazing the world is.
but that's just my opinion.

you're shouting so loud you barely enjoy this broken thing.

this day has been less than satisfactory. the last few weeks have been really amazing. but then today, all the little things started getting to me again. i thought i was pretty far beyond feeling the way i do, but i guess not. its pretty disheartening, knowing i can still feel this terrible.
it was one of those days where i woke up on the back foot and was one step behind all fucking day.
this is my own fault because i got drunk the night before, and didn't get up when my alarm went off at six thirty, but that is of no consequence. :/
seven minutes to make myself resemble a real person and get to the bus, and for some reason i chose to wear a pair of shoes, that while they looked kick ass with the other things i was wearing, happened to have a three and a half inch heel.
walking around in these is way less fun than you would imagine.
i had one lesson, and it was Design, and basically it ruined my life.
it was really terrible. and the teacher was an epic bitch. so im changing out of that class.
happily though, they cut the class of an hour in and made us all go to 'Marden Senior College Forum'. which is basically an assembly, where everyone wants to shoot themselves because it's all about the 'community'.
but that's just me.

and then i had the joys of walking to work in afore mentioned shoes, and sitting there for two hours trying not to fall asleep while i checked through documents on the computer. there is nothing more tiring.
so i left early, and walked to a bus stop in bare feet because my shoes were literally injuring my feet, and so now the bottoms o my eet are black with city dirt. they're always pretty gross though so i don't really care.
and then i got home, took my pants off (i know, good move) and went to sleep. for some reason i kept the shirt im still wearing on, and overheated at around seven thirty, when i got woken up for dinner. and then i fell asleep again or another two hours at eight thirty, and well, woke up at ten to a fucking shit phone call from a pretty old friend. during this phone call, i was broken up with, which is really quite amazing, since i wasn't aware i was in a relationship. quite funny really. i thought it was pretty clear that it was just a leetle bit of fun, but maybe not. i dont know. but at the same time, it was really fucking depressing. just lost another of my best friends because of a misunderstanding.

Maggie: a shithead that craps all over every good relationship she ever has. yay
and now im stuck alone (not completely true, bunnykins is my bed buddy tonight) blogging and i feel like the god of all losers.
isn't that great?

there's a story at the bottom of this bottle and im the pen

ergh, just got back from the most stressful night. in a good way i mean, i had an amazing time, just a bit wierd.
went to my first day at Marden yesterday. it was freaking amazing. their photography set up if fucking amazing, and i got a job and i won in general.
sat around all day getting drunk...again.
and then sobering up and baking. who gets drunk at home, goes to a party as they sober up, gets whacked and then bakes a cake?
me apparently, but still, it's because im a winner.
and in about three and a half hours i will be heading out again to eat afore mentioned pie with red wine and smoke some cigarettes with bec. it should be fairly win. and then in the morning, we will watch Cribs with coffee and cigarettes. it is exciting really.

i was listening to Billy Talent the other night. jesus lord almight, they are almost my favourite again, i love them so much.
im even sort of enjoying the used again, but still, Billy Talent rules supreme.
i hate people at the moment actually.
i'm sort of getting tired of waiting around for things to happen. i would rather instigate something else rather than wait around for something. yes, good things come to those who wait, but you can either stand in front of a brick wall and wait or it to move, or you can smash right into it and break it down.
the second approach is my favorite.
if you want something you have to get it, and if that fails, maybe you weren't supposed to have it. I think there are some things I am not supposed to have, and I've tried to get them, but now its time to turn my attention to other things.
i know though, that if i ever can have any of these things i want, im going to give up everything else and hold on as tight as possible.
but that's just me and my painted nails :)
goodnight kids, have a beautiful night.

lets stop this rising sun.

im listening to all my old music. fucking Placebo, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Lost Prophets etc. etc.
it all makes me nostalgic for year eight and nine.
now that i think about it, those were two really good years. so many things changed, but not all of them were bad.
i would love to make a computer out of macaroni pieces that would do my thinking for me.
I love regina spektor.
i was talking to my brother tonight (something that is happening increasingly often over the last few weeks) and we were talking about how everyone seems to change themselves to fit who they're hanging out with.
it made me realise that i dont mind anymore.
we can be so many different people, hell, we can be whoever we want, so why the fuck not.
why not make life interesting, and be whoever the hell you want. be someone different all day if that floats your boat.
i wish people didnt forget how to have fun. it seems like as you get older, and getmore responsibility, all ability to enjoy yourself goes out the window.
sure, haing dinner with some mates, getting a bit drunk, that can be fun, but i'm talking about really getting fucked up. having one of those nights where you end up on the streets of mount barker at five am whipping a stranger with your belt. a night that you can hardly remember because you took so many drugs.
those nights should be had at least once every three months, but everyones too busy worrying about who's hurting what when why and where?
so many people let other people rule their lives. other peoples emotions are more important than their own. what happened to not giving a fuck and just living life.
its funny, lately i've just had a yearning to forget everyone else and be a complete dickhead and have an actual good time. try stuff i've never done before.
go to a shooting range, learn karate or MMA.
i dont know.
something awesome.
instead im starting school tomorrow, going back to work at unit care and listening to old music that makes me reminisce. i should really just buy some weed, get monumentally whacked and drunk, and roam the streets with a person of my choice.
goodnight babycakes.

humping the american dream

many things have been said, and done, since last i wrote on this here blog of mine. Although they have been said and done, i shan't inform you of them, and so this was all rather pointless. it came to my attention a number of hours ago that morphine is possibly one of the loveliest drugs known to mankind. while it is horribly addictive and has fairly painful side effects, it makes the body and mind feel wonderful.
except when there are strange people making you take your underwear off so they can X-ray you.
i wonder why people, when they say the alphabet, say that X stands of X-ray. do people even know what an X-ray is?
It isnt a picture of your insides. its is actually a form of electromagnetic radiation that has a shorter wavelength than a UV ray, but a longer wavelength than a gamma ray. It's named X-radiation to signify and unknown type of radiation.
good old year ten science, it remains in ones mind forever.
that was a nice lesson for the stupid kids huh.
now, lets move on to other things, like how he's just admiring the shape of your skull.
;d

so despite the huge piece of crap that was logging in, i still maintain my zest for the current subject, which is idiots.
quelle suprise.

i really want to make one thing clear to the people of the world. just because you take a photo of your converse all stars and change the contrast settings, it does not mean you are a photographer. hell, i can change contrast settings, but unfortunately i dont actually own a pair of converse, a fact that makes me undeniably happy.
no one, i repeat no one, wants to see a series of converse shoes in different colours. it might seem all art deco and stuff, but its pure shit.
my eyes hurt when i happen upon it.
find something that is not your stinky, converse clad foot, and change the contrast settings on that. spare us all the pain and stop trying to convince yourself you're really good at something.
you suck, converse suck, and contrast sucks. MUCH LOVE >_<