fuck you.

so its the beginning of 2011 and im in bed listening to Jason Derulo, who i fucking hate.
and im eating chocolate and doritos, and trying to stay happy.
i hate new years. everyone end up alone, and unahppy, or totally drunk and fucked up.
wew, i hope they all get raped.
thats a terrible thing to wish on someone, but i'm feeling pretty bitter so i actually genuinely hope that all thse dickheads who think life is perfect get a harsh reminder that they're going to grow up and things aren't going to be as awesome as they are now.
rawrawraw. i think if all the people spending new years alone all got together and had one massive party it would be amazing.
maybe i'll do it someday.
throw an anti twenty twelve party. haha.
not even.
happy new years dickwads .
i hate you all.

the temptation to fall.

meow, good morning children.
it is much too early for my own personal taste, but im not complaining, because it's sunny and im listening to lovely music, and paying mum awesome amounts of money.
i am feeling pretty keen for work today, but i imagine this feeling is dissipate when i arrive there. weow.
the beach boys, while corny and terrible, are quite nice to listen to on a day like this. i say this because i could have sworn they just started playing, and then i realised that it was Van morrison, and now i'm almost a billion times happier with life. i'm pretty keen on the beatles right now, but its just not the right time.

i watched 'Day and Knight' just then. turns out that it's not a bad movie. possibly the only movie where Tom Cruise doesn't look like a midget in comparison to the woman he's acting with.
Last night i had the pleasure of viewing 'Cherrybomb' which is an english film with Rupert Grint in it. i think im in love haha.
nah but that was an awesome film, along with 'Veronika Decides to Die', which was pretty depressing, but it had Sarah Michelle Gellar in it aka BUFFY THE VAMPIRE OWNER!
so it was pretty cool. it was based on 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. I read that book when i was thirteen, and i loved it, and the movie actually did it justice. pretty awesome twist at the end.
i am wearing my blue camisole that mummy got me for christmas, and i can't say i don't love it. me tootsies are wet from stepping on the yoga mats to clean them for mum so i can have a shower before i can go to work.
man i hate december, when mum washes all the yoga mats and blankets for work. there's always someone trying to get to the fucking shower.
dude, fastball just came on. most excellent band. makes me superbly happy.
i feel really good lately, which is a refreshing change of pace. yesterday i spent most of the day holed up in Daniels lounge with Bec. probably the best day since back in november.
early november.
pretty displeased with the temperature of my coffee, but that's what you get for putting extra milk in. i wish mum wouldn't make them so goddamn hot. thinking it's time for season four of skins in a minute, but first i have to partake in the excellence of Frankie Magazine. It's going to be really exciting, i want to read the letter to straight men again. that was witty and lovely, and i enjoyed it in a pretty biblical manner. new years eve tomorrow night. i don't know if i want to go out with beck, or with work people. i really don't know if work people is a great idea, for many reasons. then again, neither is going out with rebecca. maybe i'll just have a quiet night with me myself and i.
that's generally when i'm the happiest anyway, and i dont want to start 2011 unhappy. that would be the balls of the universe. i know that if i go out, i'll be unhappy.
oh well, i guess im going to decide later on. what's the bet i'm going to end up going out and being unhappy. i really need to refrain from doing stupid things like that. i feel good now, but because i like to sabotage everything, i think i'll probably wreck that. you know what, fuck it. im not even going to think about this right now. New Years can go fuck itself, I'm just going to be happy.

holidays are so deceiving. you always have an awesome time the night before, and then on actual new years day, everyone wants to die, because they're so goddamn hungover.
weow, i think i'm going to be intelligent this year.
because that's what i'm like, intelligent.
hope im not the only competent one at work on saturday though. haha fuck that, im one percent competent, on a good day, so we'll just see how this all goes. certainly know that im not getting drunk on friday night. not with anyone.
anyway, back to michale jackson and getting my rent on kidlets, guess i'll talk to you later on tonight.

im totally glad i dipped my pen in your ink

fuck im feeling good. this always happens at one in the morning. i feel like jesus, right after he took his rest on the seventh day.
I feel like cheese supreme doritoes.
i feel like a hunk of butter melting over a big old pile of flapjacks. im loving it, much like mcdonalds.
im loving the prospect of another day at work tomorrow, genuinely. im looking forwards to seeing my best friends, and not finding my camera. finally, i've worked out what it takes. it takes being alone, being happy and realising how to let go. of course this will all go out the window when i see him tomorrow, but that's all right, i feel happy for now, which is super exciting.

GO FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSES LEAD.
i am going to kill life. im going to kill everything, but in the best way.
i cant wait till i achieve long hair again, and remember how to smile properly.
Its going to be amazing. everything going to get better and suddenly im going to to be all right again.
its really exciting.
i think i love myself more than i did before.
man im a slut. hahahahahahah
fat.
easy come, easy go, thats the way im going to live. its going to be heroic.

i gave justin a blood nose accidentally at work tonight, which was pretty grim. cracked him on the head with my elbow. man i need to lay off the drugs.
WOOOOOT!
reowr, black and blue, beat me till im numb.
you smile at my face then rip the breaks out my car.
shotgun going through the pain, dying for you, even though you wouldnt do the same for me. thats all right, because i think you're worth more than me.

i miss drinking scotch in the beanbags because we were too scared to sit in your dads chair.
i don't miss the ornamental candle sticks though. that hurt like a bitch.

its pretty radical, that im not afraid anymore.
i can sit outside in the dark and finish a smoke without wondering where the rabid wolves are.
honestly, i dont give a damn.
i shut you down and now you're gone. gone from my head, gone from my heart, gone from my life. i love it. i dont miss you, i never will, you ruined the best years of my life, andi hope you hear this, just quietly, and live with it forever.
coz you fucked my shit up bitch. you fucked it up good.

in fact lets be honest, we were awesome. we were the best of the best, and we fucking ruled the pixies of the world. we ruled the court. we basically just ruled.
i fucking loved the way i was with you. you brought the best out. you said fuck the world, and i joined in.
maybe i was a follower with you, but i was the best fucking follower ever.
much love.

fire equals fire

nuggets of wisdom from the king of the friers.

so, hows this for mood swings. i am supremely pleased with myself.
this is all, goodnight.

so here comes another night of feeling crap.
lets recite how work went. lovely lovely lovely, although i did get raped by stirling plates at lunch, and then all was lovely untl about half past six, when i realised we only had enough meatballs for lanas stirling plates for the function upstairs, and we ran out of capsicum, and prawns and all other things,
and then someone ordered eight pizzas, and i had nothing left, and it made me so angry i think i told everyone to fuck off when they tried talking to me.
i talked to ozzy though, he helped me out, and it was good.
we took the bins out, had a cigarette, it helped a lot, as i was getting pretty angry. then i skewered my wrist on a hook, cut my ginger open with my ring and pierced my ear on the edge of the mixer. it hurt.
then i came home and had a fight with mum. there's nothing i hate more than talking to mum. i hate it when she tries to 'talk' like a mother and daughter should, because we're just not like that.
i know it, and she should know it by now. we just don't work that way, and we never have.
i hate being part of a dysfunctional family sometimes, but im used to it, and its not just going to change. there's too much we don;t know about each other, and no way to fix that.
its not just about being honest. if i were honest with her, i wouldn't be her daughter. she would have disowned me a long time ago. i know it sounds like im assuming, but i know my mum, back to front, and i know myself, and therefore i know what is and isn't possible between. a civil relationship is, and an understanding isn't.
this would be so much easier if she would back off.
tonight she asked me who my friends were, and it was like she doubted that i have any. she asked me who was watching my back, and i had no answer. she asked me what i do that makes me happy, and i couldn't believe she hasn't worked that out yet. what does she think im doing?
i haven't worked myself into the ground for six months for something that i dont love.
she treats me like i am an idiot.
i can be, but i can also be intelligent, and she doesn't give me the chance to show her that, because she's always focusing on what i do wrong. i understand how she feels, because that's how i am.
i dont know what to do. i feel like crap and no one is here to listen to it.
i can;t even tell anyone, because i feel like all i do is complain.
i guess that is all i do.
night.

see far below the dust of conflict settles on the hill

i am having a pretty abysmal night so far.
i want to punch myself in the face for saying the things i said, making people doubt me.
there are so many things i wish i could take back, that i regret so much.
i want to break my phone, take out the sim card and crush it. i want to lock my door, turn off all my lights, close all the curtains and never speak to anyone again. i dont want to go on facebook anymore, or talk on the phone, or even fucking blog. i just want to shut myself off from the rest of humanity and wallow in self pity and hatred for fools who really just don't understand.
unfortunately none of this is possible, so im going to stay up until my brothers get home, eat some fruit salad and try not to get to depressed.
it would help if i could attain some cigarettes, but i can't, because its super late, and no one in this house seems to have any money.
im hating life, in the most basic manner.
i hate being let down. i hate feeling inadequate in comparison to other people. i hate feeling like people really do care, they just don't care enough. it makes me feel like the bad person, for wanting too much. why can't i just be happy with what i get.
i feel greedy and selfish. i don't want to feel this way. but im not sure if its just a feeling, or if its more than that. is this the person that i am now? if so, why should i bother.
its so hard, like giving up smoking, or letting something go, so difficult to break a habit. and thats what this i guess. a habit that i can't break.
then again, i find it too hard to break any of my bad habits anymore. i dont have any self control, or even a will to make myself a better person, im happy as i am, which is not a good thing.
im happy as a tired, mentally retarded, depressed, hateful, selfish, greedy, foul tempered sixteen year old girl.
does that sound good?
no it does not.
its times like these that i would rather give up than keep going, because the alternative to life is death, and that's a hundred times easier.
but the thing is, i don't want to be like the people who make me feel this way. i dont want to take the easy way out just because i can, i really want to just fucking show them that i am more than that.
thing is that im worried im not. maybe 'that' is all i am.
maybe they know better.
that fucking scares the living daylights out of me.

so today dear god, what the fuck do i do?
dear lovely fuckhead in heaven who is so selfish he can't even fucking let his own creations be happy, what the fuck do you want me to do. follow the righteous path? awesome, what the fuck is the righteous path? what the fuck are we all supposed to do. end up alone and die ina cesspit of our own depression, only to find our way deeper into afore mentioned shithole till we get all the way to hell and suffer for the rest of eternity? sounds like a fun story.
because no one is truly sorry, no one is truly righteous, and the people who get to go to heaven may as well be parcels in a lucky dip.
so fuck you, because you haven't given me any fucking answers, and i have no idea where the fuck im going.
ill wager its hell though, and earlier than expected. hit me with a car god, please.

quite playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

relax i ain't going back to that now.
i don;t know what to write tonight. its a lot easier to let workds out when you're upset, but tonight i feel all right, so everything just gotten a bit harder. its easier to feel sad, than to feel happy.
its all about self control.
which i have none of. if i listen to enough depressing music i get sad, but if i listen to one song thats about getting clean, i suddenly feel motivated and show people they're shit and im jesus.
i want to smoke another cigarette with my brother, but i can't be bothered. i love my brothers. we're never going to grow apart, and thats the best thing. you can't forget people like the boys. its sad, because i think that i won't ever be able to go back to england unless they come too.
i remember playing bang bang with them, and telling my little sister scary stories about a gutless guy at liadhans uncles farm. man it was the best childhood i could have asked for. i remember absolutely loving washing the dishes every sunday at church, and hating the day they made us stand up when we said our prayers. i remember going into the basement at magill and picking out bibles. it was fun, and then i got older and it got boring.
i like towels, and for some reason, i like them to be white and fluffy, and heavy when you hang them up after washing them, because it means that they're lovely and warm when you get out of the shower. i also like loufas. they are the most amazing tool in the world, excluding the obvious.
i like jews, and their big noses, and how for some reason they're realy good at crunching numbers. i hate sites from which you can only download half of songs, and generally they are terrible quality.
tomorrow, i am meeting rebecca gabrielle for lunch in town, getting presents, going to the beach and then getting an ounce with daniel, for christmas day, which should be pretty legendary.
maybe i'll suit up and take barney to dinner ;D
i think porn is funny when you're drunk and play it in fast forward.
saturday morning i plan to get really drunk with bec and dan over a champagne breakfast, and run around screaming for the rest of the dat, purely because its christmas, and i can.
i think i love christmas. i think i should see my dad for dinner on christmas nightlight.
i love fairy lights. IM GOING TO GET FAIRY LIGHTS IN TOWN TOMORROW. o like the white ones, because they make me feel like god. i dont know why, but white light is better than yellow light for being all empowering, but yellow light is just amazing for chilling out and being a vintage motherfucker. i like the internets way too much to actually be a full vintage head person.
i went on omegle the other day, and i was having an amazing conversation with a person from canada, and then there was a system malfunction, and we got cut of mid-conversation, and because its omegle i never found him again.
it was sad.
i like those people you never meet, but just talk to, and love the shit out of, because you dont know them completely, you just know their minds.
its beautiful.
its amazing how people can be the best, or the worst, or a perfect mixture. sometimes the worst people used to be the best, and the best are the worst on the inside. its amazing, and scary, and confusing, but i think i like it. which is strange, because i feel that just yesterday, i was saying how much i hate people, and life, and everything. that's what depresssion does i guess. OH WOW THAT SMELLS GOOD.
i love food.
I Saw what you did, take that 'Prince DVD out of your pants...and put it in my pants'
hey fuck you kids, its fucking prince.
man i love silversun pickups, they are amazing.
i feel like maybe i should clean out the empty fish tank on my desk, because the plants in it are getting festy, and freddy the axolotl died in august bahjahahahaha. man im so festy, leaving a fishtank like that for four months.
well i just had a cigarette, and it was lovely. dom is playing wow. i think its funny that a few months ago he was seventeen, and i champion salesman for telstra, and now he's eighteen, and a jobless bumb.
growing old is getting old.
i would like to stay young for a little while longer, but i also just want to get this shit over and done with.
i hope, and i know this is mean, that i dont end up like all the other chefs. i want to stay nice. i know they are nice, but i dont want to get arrogant, and i dont want to be mean to the apprentices.
and i certainly dont want to do things 'the right way'
i want to change shit up. and change it good, because shit shouldnt always be the same.
so for now i'll do what im told and shut the fuck up, but one day im going to be better, and its going to be biblical.
radical even.
one active download (a few seconds remaining)
i love how my computer tells me these things. actually i hate it. i hate it when the little bubble pops up saying the my computer is disconnected. DISCONNECTED FROM WHAT MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT?
somethings are just frustrating.
isnt it funny how some people are just not people. i cant write what i was going to write, because i've all ready had this conversation and i cant do it again with myself.
what i can say, is that people are stupid. what is so difficult about grasping the fact that the au comes before the a in restaurant, or that already is not a word, its actually all ready.
yay.
and now, i sign off, with much skill and dexterity, like how dom stacks his brocolli.
DUDE I HAVE NEVER SEEN BROCCOLI AT WORK. what the fuck. no broccoli? i am disappointed. i remember when me and louise used to call broc from primary school broccoli, and then we realised he had massive anger issues and freaked out because we were mean to him.
and when i screamed because steve and yolanda wouldnt stop saying actually.
that was great. and science lessons, that involved seeing who could spit the furthest up the wall, and making catapults and zach gave himself a black eye with his. bahahha.
good times.
okay bye now.

of course we can change, doesnt mean we're going to

i feel like a million dollars, but like a piece of roadkill at the same time. is that strange?
would it blow your mind if i ate desert before dinner? it would blow mine.
i think that the only things i love are things that no longer exist. i think that maybe i am going insane. i think maybe im already gone.
but thats all right, so long as im still alive, and i can still breathe, im happy.
see i make it sound like im happy with the little things, but im not. i like to be on my own. i like to dance when no ones watching, so they can't see my unbearable lack of rhythm. i like to pretend my life is a movie and there's always someone watching. i like to think about what i could do with my life if i really tried. i like to make things bright again. i like to listen to people. i like to understand what's going on around me. i like to know what makes other people tick. i like to be a friend, but i hate to have friends. i like to stay disconnected, but i can't help but be in amongst everything. i like colors, but i prefer things to be black and white. i like to be lots of different people, but sometimes it just gets to be too much, and i break down.
i like to tell people things, but im so scared that i say it, and then make it sound like a joke, so they won't think i'm crazy. i like doing things logically, and doing them right.
sometimes, when everything gets to be too much, i turn back into my old self, and suddenly i feel alone, because i think i've killed everything i had. i sometimes wish i was someone else, somewhere else, but then i think that's stupid so i cry with my head under my pillow and wonder why no one ever notices how i feel. hate people because they dont notice how i feel, even though sometimes i dont even notice. i hide it so well now, because i've learnt that most people don't care. and if people don't care, why should i try and make them?
thing is, everyones a let down in the end, and its makes me want to kill everyone. my faith in humanity has been dead for years, but im still alive, so i still have to make the effort. sometimes i wish i wasn't, and then i think about what might come after, and i get scared. i know i'd miss my hands, and my face, and my figernails, even though they're brittle and break all the time. i think i would miss my bed, and all the things in life that i feel for. i would miss music, and food, and books.
funny thing is, i wouldnt miss people. i think i could live in a world with just one person, and be happy. i hate people. i hate our brains, and the way we love uncontrollably, laugh like we dont mean it, forgive but never forget. i hate that in the end, we'll all be gone, and everything we've done, everything we wanted to do, it isn't even ours anymore. we're gone. we're a memory. we can live on in peoples minds, but in their hearts, we remain as tainted as we were in life. there is no purity. if i go to heaven, and am righteous and lovely in the afterlife, there'll always be someone here on earth that hates me, and so i'll always be that little evil bitch. IM LOVIN IT.

so im thinking maybe there are some things that i should probably never say to people. theres a reason i have secrets, and i should respect that. fuck you maggie, and your stupid, retard brain. fuck. you. to death.
on the same note, this evening has got me thinking, so this is dedicated to you, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, i miss you so much.
and im so sorry i never said goodbye properly.
i would do anything to have you back.
i think that's why im doing what i'm doing now .
love you, miss you.
rest in piece of pie.

too hot to handle to handle, too cold to hold

oh lord my evening has been filled with amusing pictures of cats, and harry potter with captions. i really didn't know that Gupert Grints favorite love song was the Spongebob theme tune, but now that i do know, im fully into that song. not really, but for peace of mind, I'll think that. i can't be in to any songs at the moment, because my computer is a psycho and i can't download music right now. fucking hating life. im such a cheap ass motherfucker that i can't be bothered actually buying music, but that's all right, I'll wait until utorrent is working again and then I'll own the world of music.
in other news, i just ate many cherries, directly after brushing my teeth, and i maintain that it was a pretty terrible idea. i suck at typing without my left index finger, but at least now i know which was is left by the ridiculous pain, and therefore no longer have to check which freckle is on what hand. not even kidding actually, freckles are ridiculous, and i don't have a freckle that helps me discern left from right, so i just make out that im writing, and whichever hand is good at it suddenly become right.
i know, reliable.
i wonder if anyone besides me has ever noticed that Facebook is a spelling error, even on facebook. it very disconcerting, and i can hardly say i like it.
woot.
i slept way too much last night, and now i am super awake and pretty bored.
i like jesus, sometimes i wonder if he is real, but he makes me feel safe. like i know what is going to happen.
im going to go to hell, sure, but at least i know that, im not just looking into the unknown and trying not to freak out.
i think. shit, what if there is no hell though.
fuuuuu-
problem?
nah not even.
so i spent most of the last two nights crying, partially because i suck at life, partially because i just feel way too emotional right now. its very draining, so i'e been sleeping a lot. mum got pretty annoyed though, because i got mascara on the pillows from the couch. not sure why i was sleeping on the pillows off the couch as i have about ten million pillows on my own bed, but i won't look into it, purely because i don't have to.
man i hate not knowing whats going to happen.
REMEMBER KIDS, DON'T BUY DRUGS...BECOME A POPSTAR AND THEY'LL GIVE THEM TO YOU FOR FREE.
much gay love and kisses,
dumbledor.

the wise woman

i like bananas. i don't really, they remind me of mushrooms in a way, but then again not really.
tonight, i am attending dinner at the Stirling hotel motel for all your liquid refreshment needs with a dear friend of mine names rebecca smith. i find it really annoying that her last name is smith because when i have no batteries left in my phone and i want to call her it becomes very difficult to find her in the phone book. i should probably just write down her number elsewhere, but i won't because im much to awesome for those sorts of shenanigans.
so within the next few weeks, my room will actually have been completely covered in collages of some wort. swear to god, my bed is halfway glued to oblivion with floral fabric, my sound system is covered in orange purple and green paper, my walls have posters glued to them my favorite chest of drawers is covered with phantom comics, my lampshade has been drawn on, the backs of my bookshelves have posters on them. its fucking ridiculous is what it is. did you know that there is no word that rhymes with purple, except for urkle, which isn't a word, and doesn't really rhyme with purple. purple urkle is the name of some chronic purple weed from Canada.
don't ask my how i know this, because i don't know how i know. know.
sometimes i wonder why i write this. it really is the most ridiculous, unnecessary piece of shit in the world, but fuck you, im not complaining. this is what i do when i have millions of other things to be doing, but just cant be fucked doing them. woot.
he sees the stormy anger of the world and wants no part of it at all,
and as the weeping leaves of autumn curl, he feels the savage winter call,
see far below the dust of conflict settles on the hill, for there is no escape at all,
and as he spreads his wings and soars up to another level, he brings the eyes prophecies of war...
BLACK CROW, BLACK CROW, TELL ME WHERE YOU REALLY GO? do you fly into the sunset, high in evening sky.
seriously though, tell my or I'll shoot you in the face. man i want to watch law abiding citizen. that was an amazing film, and Gerard butler is truly a actor of biblical proportions.
i could go a corona right now, that would be amazing. yummm.
yesterday at work i cut off my fingernail, again, which sucks because its my index finger and now i find typing very difficult, and im not sure why im doing this, because of my finger.
it doesnt hurt anymore, which is good, it just sort of throbs inanely.
oh man, every time i say inanely, i want to watch black adder.
why do i have an ostrich feather stuck up my bottom? because the little pixies put it there, and why am i smiling inanely, because i think im about to con you out of a whopping great inheritance.

TWO THINGS MUST YE KNOW ABOUT THE WISE WOMAN! first, she is....A WOMAN. and second, second she is...
wise?
oh so you do know her then?
no that was just a stab in the dark, which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you dont shut up soon.

4 am forever

i dont know what i just did for six hours, but i think i might have actually slept, which is slightly biblical. im lovin in. god maybe i should go to barker, eat maccas and visit my dad. i feel like having an intimate dinner with a hobo, and asking them why we're eating meatballs at the end of hindley street on a friday night. most likely right after saying this, i would be raped by a drunken elephant. ew.
thats gross.
oh wow i have to leave now, that was ust too disturbing.

repettive beeping noises.

i've just been reading all my old posts and by god i was so much more interesting when i was fifteen.
DO PEOPLE JUST GET MORE BORING AS THEY GET OLDER?
methinks so.
but like, i used all bug words, and my grammar was good. now my writing is like a cesspit of foul-osity. like what the fuck was that? foul-osity? thats not a word. much like vomitous. i checked the dictionary, its not in there, but it sounds like a real word, so im going to use it anyway.
gosh darn i cant believe christmas is only a week away. it makes me feel happy to be alive to witness the ten millionth birth of jesus. why cant that guy just stay in the goddamn womb?
speaking of wombs, im pregnant.
not really, i just wanted to fuck with you, did it work?
it turns out that i know who you are, what you did last summer and how you felt about it afterwards, and i would like to speak to you about these efelings of regret and guilt you're having. i mean, all you did was drop a couch on a small rat named stanley, what's the big deal?
Stanley lived a good life, being hunted by vipers and visiting the library in your bag dear sir, now forgive yourself for his untimely death and move on to more sadistic things, like violins and men who dress like women.
goonight young children sleep like babies, but dont shit your pants because your wife doesnt want to wash the sheets in the morning. or accidentally roll onto your crap in the night and forever smell like a turd burger.
sorry that was gross.
night.

someday somebody else besides me, will call me by my name

good morning how are you, I'm doctor worm, im interested in things, but im not a real doctor.
i live like a worm, and like to play the drums.
turns out that i can handle criticism. i am currently in my musty smelling bedroom of questionable temperature, gluing floral prints to my bed frame. because im unbelievably vintage and cool.
my skull candy headphones make me feel like nothing else in the world exists, except for music. i wonder what the world would be like without music. we'd have something else to live for, but if music suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth, i think people would suffer.
i worked tonight, and it was nice. i like my job, and i like the people i work with. im just not sure im cut out for it. i guess I'll find out.
i think, and this is just an observation,
that i may or may not have massive issues with sleep. i suck at going to sleep when i should. what the fuck is with still being up at four in the morning, after an eight hour shift, being drunk and high and stressful conversations. what sort of an idiot am i?
there's incense smoke drifting into my face, and its way less comfortable than one would imagine. i can feel is probing my eyeballs from the outside, trying to find a way into my brain so it can get me high. fortunately it doesn't have to try that hard because im breathing it in, and that's a pretty surefire way to get it into my brain.
what an odd thing to write about. i should read some Agatha Christie and be done with it, but i cant be bothered, which is odd. i want a record player again, they're lovely. as far as i can imagine, vinyls are way lovelier than CD's. whoever though up vinyls was much better than the guy who invented the Compact Disc. they may be bigger, and more fragile, but they produce a nicer sound, and tend to contain artwork rather than shit mainstream crap that gets money for fucked up cunts like Lindsay lohan. i hope she reads this, stupid bitch.

i think kids, that it's time to get fucked up. actually there is nothing i would rather do less than get fucked up right now. i feel like being sober and loving life as much as i possibly can at four thirty in the morning.
i wish i was sleeping, then i could have a nice day tomorrow and not look like an overtired hag.
i miss having loads of music, because it all got lost on my last computer. its fucking ludicrous i know.
my eyes feel sort of heavy and my head spins when i close my eyes, but whenever i lay down and try to sleep i get really alert and awake. there cant be anything normal about this h aha.
im contemplating having a little lunch with my father tomorrow, but im not sure if i want to have it with him, or with Dominic.i don't know.
family Christmas this Saturday, in port willunga. or is it Sunday? i don't know but i guess i shall se tomorrow evening, when i see mother.
i am rambling now, and not in a good way. im writing what i think and i don't think that's very interesting most of the time. i hate muse though. some of their songs are awesome when im in the mood where i want to kill myself, only because they encourage that feeling with their gay shittiness though. but seriously, i enjoy a couple of their songs, the ones i heard first and the ones that I've had good times too, but other than that i basically hate the shit out of them they have very little real talent in their singer, and it makes me feel like im having someone complaining at me but in a singing voice. worst feeling ever, i swear to god. i wore green mascara today, and it gave me flashbacks. to what, i don't know, but they were flashbacks. maybe they weren't, maybe i just wrote down the word that seems to be blaring in my ear very repetitively. i cant help it, writing and listening at the same time is difficult. if i get too absorbed in the music i start to write what im hearing, much like i write what im saying when im trying to write something and talk to someone at the same time.
oh man this is so boring. for you i mean, the reader. i hope you have thoughts too, then you can console yourself by thinking that you;re glad you don't suck as hard as i do.
i feel like and outing tomorrow, to some sort of really big field, with sheep and kiwi's, and peanut butter and cheese. cheese honey banana and peanut butter sandwiches are Jesus. seriously, i would worship them if they were the higher power. they would be like pigs to the Jewish. god i should do that. just to freak people out, i should have a statue of a sandwich in my room, and have it buried with my, like the ancient Egyptians did with cats, that was just creepy though. i mean, wrapping a cat in bandages after taking out all its vital organs so that some guy could have it in an afterlife that may or may not exist. i wish i had beliefs like that. i wish i had been brought up reading about afterlives and reincarnation, rather than death and heaven and hell. basically heaven is a nightclub you can only get into if you;re a righteous slut.
hell however if like a slut on Saturday nights legs: wide open.
i love it.
the only issue with hell is that its like, your own personal nightmare. well that's what it is in my head. you don't get the company of other people, you get the company of your fears and hates, and its for eternity. can't say im keen.
okay my brain is getting sore now, and i should probably go to sleep, but not before i have shared this small nugget of wisdom:
don;t be a fool, protect your tool. seriously, im a huge fan of protecting tools. you don't just leave your power drill out in the rain, you take it into the shed. DO YOU WANT A BABY POWER DRILL AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE? you don't even know how to use your power drill yet, let alone raise the consequences. that metaphor was sort of sketchy, and a little out of whack, but what are you going to do, punch me in the face? feel free to do so, verbally.
through a comment i guess. or find me and punch me in the face, but i guarantee that if you do that i will fuck you up so bad with the crowbar i keep under my bed and you will regret the day you were born.
no doubt if your the sort of person who finds random bloggers houses so you can punch them in the face, you already regret the day you were born, and really just want to have your head shoved so far up your ass it comes out your mouth again. doesn't that sound exciting little ones?
really though, i don't keep a crowbar under my bed, nor do i intend to fuck you up if you try punching me.
i will simply kill you with the gun i keep in my pocket.
the hand gun.
quite literally, it is a gun made out of my hand, and it shoots invisible bullets that you don't feel, but they kill your soul every time i fire one.
anyway, im off to bed sad young children. try to think happy.
and if that doesn't work for the next five years, find the closest gun and shoot yourself, because after this shitstorm, another will come and you'll have to rebuild yourself over and over.
goodnight.