the place where i make no mistakes, the place where i have what it takes.

oh lordly, i am so good at procrastination. less than two minutes ago i was diligently reading through notes about Rupert Maxwell Stuart, and now they are cast aside on my bed and i am writing about absolutely nothing.
i realized i have changed a lot in the last few weeks. you have no idea how many posts i have begun, trying to complain about how terrible my life is, and i get about two paragraphs in and just delete it all. I haven't posted in a while because of that. it is so hard to find things to say when i can't complain.
surprisingly enough, there is only one person that can cheer me up as of late, and he is possibly one of the most annoying people i have ever met. if it were easier to see the good in people, he would come off as amazing, but it's not, so it's taken me a little while to get past the pretentious outside, and get to the bit that is actually bearable.
i think i like being able to eventually work my way through the terrible outside of someone's personality and understand them a little better.
it's funny because nothing he can say really offends me, maybe because he doesn't mean it, maybe because for the first time, i have met someone that i don't care what they think of me.
It's very unusual for me, but i like it.
in other news, i am leaving school, hopefully at the end of this term. i am going to go and do my apprenticeship. i don't really care whereabouts, but i am going to do it, and finish it, and to be honest, this time i am way more positive than i was before.
i think it might be partially because i know what to expect. i think for the rest of my life i will always have a hatred for applying for new jobs, and going in to interviews, but if i can get through that part, i should be all right.
I always say weird things in interviews, and i'm never sure what i should say, but i think eventually people get the point of what i am trying to say. plus i don't always spin myself as a wonderful person.
i think maybe it will be different now.
mostly because i hardly even know what i like anymore.
i have learned to think a bit more before i speak though. on Monday i have to go and speak to a teen psychologist called Fiona about...well i don't really know what i am supposed to say when i go there, but i intend to talk her ears off, if i can bring myself to.
anyhow, i should off go, and finish this boring ass assignment, even though i have already got a zero for it. i am hoping my teacher will take it late because i haven't been there, but i doubt it.
i am going to fail the class anyway because i never did the oral.

fish

okay so im over feeling like crap
i have adopted the Bell technique. emotionally distance yourself from everything. get away from it. pull a callum and stop talking to it. seems to work for him, but then again he can read.
only because he steals my laptop to do so. oh for when life was a s simple as whether or not one was going to the pool the next day. life is now just on ebig whirling mass of confusion.

read the things other people write and suddenly i wish i wasn't myself anymore.
i wish i was smart, and interesting, and i wonder why i don't just step in front of a train.
and then i remember i am awesome.
i can't press enter at the end of every sentence becuase i hate it when people do that. one semtence is not a paragraph people, get it int your head. not that i write in paragraphs anyway, but if i were to, they wouldnt be but a sentence long. emotionally disconnect. go two work, earn oney, be cool. fuck you all.
xxx\

okay so some people really are fucking hateful. i want to punch them so hard. i feel dirty right now just from talking to it.
i was perfectly fine and happy and then my bubble was popped by a sledgehammer with a sharp tip. the sledgehammer of insufferable bitchiness.
i hate everyone right now. but most of all this one, foul mouthed little fuck.
god i have to stop going away now.

swimming in the smoke

so, i am sitting watching masterchef, which is a nice change from cougar town, which i have been watching for about two nights straignt. i love it though, so funny. i am so going to live in a cul de sac when i am a grown up. haha, grown up. i love being young enough to say that still. i am pretty grown up already. but i act like a little kid.
lately i have felt like utter crap. ever since i realised that i can't just talk about my problems left right and centre i have been bottling up, and its making me feel worse and worse. and when i finally think maybe it's okay to say something about how terrible i feel, i find myself absolutely unable to say anything at all.
its terrible.
some people have an ability to cheer me up, and then i end up reading over our conversations over and over, and then finally, i die a little because all i want is to talk to them again.
Facebook isnt working on becs computer either, so im still fucked.
inspiration isn't here tonight. i feel empty, like a giant balloon. i feel like i'm going to float away.
i know if i try to some giant anvil of feeling will thump down on my head again. why is it that i have the ability to cheer other people up, but when it comes to myself i just can't.
now i am just complaining for the sake of it.

the humans are dead

i wish, that the world really would end. while i sleep tonight.
I'm sick of feeling the way i do. i want to hit myself for being so...impressionable. When did i stop being able to tell people to just go fuck themselves.
i hate myself.
so ready to um...fuck off into nothingness.

did you get a good lawyer?

so for some odd reason i am a huge fan of Amy Winehouse, and apparently i am into sleep as well. It's five in the afternoon and i know that i could happily go to sleep and have trouble waking up tomorrow.
Lately sleep seems like the only activity i really want to partake in. I tire myself out all day trying to match up with other people, and when i finally get home, i get in to bed and doze of by six thirty. i can't bring myself to enjoy conversing with people for more than ten minutes.
I ate a shitload of pasta just before, and i would like to ask latina fresh a qquestion.
IS IS IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION TO STICK TOGETHER? all i wanted was a reasonably sized mouthful, but instead i got five pieces in one giant lump with terribly dispersed cheese and red sauce that had olives in it.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACHIEVE LATINA FRESH. failure. because you've done it.
i will never eat it again.
also, i need to stop being so mean. mental note to future maggie, if you are still a mean whore you have to punch yourself in the face. YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO. seriously, think back to writing this, and how serious your face is right now. honest to god, i am savoring the moment now so you definitely will not forget how absolutely serious i am.
also, do you still like amy winehouse. I am curious.

you have no hope, because i belong to the hurrican

so i have been sitting around for the last few days, imagining. i can't even say what i was thinking about, i was just imagining the different ways my life could have played out, and it left me feeling empty and unsatisfied.I with i could do something remarkable, but I'm incredibly average.
I feel like i am sinking into normality. I don't want to conform. I don't want to be the same as everyone else.
I wear glasses to look smart and throw big words like 'Reciprocate' around. I googled reciprocate, i don't even think it is a word. googled isn't a word either, but it should be. some people are so foolish.
Anyhow, back to my original point. i am wondering, and thinking about how i can change. It's completely ridiculous, not even the prospect of death could make me change. I'm so set in my ways, but when i think about it i don't even know what those ways are. i think about what i believe in and suddenly my mind is sucked into this giant black hole, and faith suddenly seems pointless. I'm one of those people who hates racism but laughs when people pay out Asians. I defend Christianity but i can't bring myself to actually believe it when it really matters.
I don't even know. I was speaking with my father the other day. We both kept trying to convince each other that we were right. I kept asking him why, if god is so holy and righteous, did he make an earth full of living people with emotions and then fuck us all over. what made him think making us tiptoe around every choice just so we could spend eternity in heaven would be a fun idea. if he cares about us all so much, why does he make us search for him, and who is he to tell us that we're not good enough. I hate dad a little bit because, well.
For instance if Julia Gillard had legalized gay marriage dad would have fought against it. he would have caused a horrible raucous. it's funny because he expects me to just lay down and seek the motherfucking lord, when i think that if god was a person, he would be a fucking terrible person. who has the gall to create a world, with the ability to do anything, and then blame all the hurt and suffering on the people he created, when he could stop it all in the blink of an eye. I won't follow someone like that. how can someone be so faithful, and know that other people aren't going to have a bit of it.
How can dad walk around knowing that according to his belief, me and mum and Dominic and Callum are all going to hell. how can anyone do that. He said he thought he was happy before he was converted but then god peeled away the layers and he realized there was a great big gaping hole underneath everything.
God peeled away what? he fucking peeled away our family. Good work god, I'm fucking proud.

The sky above...something

I'm so angry right now.
I'm going to create an elaborate hoax here.
this girl, let's call her Sally. Sally is stupid and annoying, but there's a boy who is in love with her. his name is Clancy. and he has a sister called Janine.
Janine just found out that Sally has been lying to Clancy about the fct that she is 'dying'. Sally isn't dying. Sally has a perfectly manageable problem. Janine is scared that Sally is going to fuck Clancy over because of this huge lie because she doesn't fully comprehend the effect it has. or maybe she does, and is just a spiteful bitch who will do anything to get what she wants. anyhow Clancy is blindly in love with Sally, to the point where Janine is sure he would do anything to her. Janine knows the truth about what Sally is doing but can't possibly say anything to Clancy because he wouldn't believe her, and nothing can be said to Sally because Sally will tell Clancy and Clancy will get angry at Janine.
Janine is hating life. Janine wants to find Sally and shove a pole through her neck. she wants to find Clancy and pump the truth into him. she wants Sally gone, and Clancy to be himself again. she wants to think it isn't her own personal agenda. ad far as she can tell, she. has reason, but there is that underlying fear that maybe she just doesn't want her brother to go yet. Janine knows that he can't be allowed to go yet because the path he is on is not good
I hate everything

alpha box & dice

to begin I would like to brig to everyone's attention that Alpha Box & Dice is by far the coolest place I think I have ever been to. it has a particularly nice ambience. I would go so far as to say unbeatable.
in other news, we had a lovely evening last night. it was full of merriment and amusement. just general loveliness. while I am not a destroyer of all things wine, it was yummy.

I'm Drawing the line, the line saves my soul

oh my goodness. blogger was unavailable for like, the whole of yesterday and I think it was the hardest day of my life. not really.
anyhow, I was thinking last night, I would rather have bad dreams than good. at least when I wake up from a bad dream I feel relieved. waking up from a good dream just makes the harshness of reality that much more depressing.
but that's just me. it's Xavier's birthday this evening and I'm in dire need of life and godliness.
for someone that was infuriated yesterday because she couldn't write, I feel remarkably uninspired today. could be because i suck, could also be because I'm awesome.
I think seeing people will be good for my state of mind. I need to write a letter now, so I should get going.
peace.

wretches and kings, we the animals take control

I'm basking in the debatable glory of Linkin Park's new album and watching some ridiculous show that well... it makes me feel like stabbing myself in the eye with a needle. I have photography tomorrow. it makes my insides churn with hatred.
I dont't know why but I have never been able to deal with art subjects in which I can't make personal changes to my work. it's not creative if it's a structured working plan. creativity can't be forced and I feel like forcing is the only thing that they can fathom.
it's a miracle. it pisses me offf no end.
it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I've eaten about a ton of concentrated sugar tonight, and while I usually go a bit psychotic with that much I feel lazy and depressed right now, which to be completely honest, is all I wanted for Christmas. im definitely way less psyched for Xavier's birthday this weekend than I expected I would be. for some reason the prospect of seeing certain people is killing my soul. I don't think I'm down with a whole evening of being given the cold shoulder.
in other, way less fascinating news, certain people are stupid. me for one. general life is getting the better of me. I always feel anxious and I'm getting paranoid over the tiniest things. and i'm like, permanently tired. I've been going to sleep at seven for the last three nights and when I wake up, I have troubl convincing myself that my dreams were just dreams. I woke up at four thirty this morning wondering if I had even been to sleep.
it sucks even more because my dreams are ten times better than reality so I start each day with a little cloud of dissatisfaction over my head. it's difficult to believe that it could be a change in weather doing this to me but for now that's what it's about.
being happy right now is like going to he'll and building a snowman. fucking ridiculous.
everything seems to be unbelievably repetitive. school is foul, I hate my teachers and every time I even attempt to achieve something my whole state of mind goes downhill. I say no to pushing through. it's my turn to wallow in depression.

your time has come to be erased.

I hate people who are unreliable. i mean, what's the point in life if you are useless. im all for bailing at the last minute because you need to feel empowered, but if you do that every fucking time, then you're a fucking cunt.
i will be frequently dropping the F-bomb, because if i was a nice fucking person i would still be waiting in the fucking rain.
Yeah its fucking cool, you can call me half an hour after you're supposed to be there and tell me you'll be another hour, and then fuck that, you'll be three hours, and of fucking course i will still be there.
IDIOT.
i mean, what sort of fucking downy cunt thinks that's going to work? i literally hate everything right now.
I hope you enjoy fucking around in the rain on your own dipshit.

everything is exactly right when i walk around here drunk every night

so, i greet one thirteen with open arms and itchy eyes, to the sound of St. Ides Heaven attempting to play from my iphone. Callum took my laptop to read a book on, so i am using Trinity.
Coincidentally, Trinity doesn't have any of my music on her because she's full of photos. im in that mood, that i occasionally get into, where i want to just go dander about and explore places.
even if it's just down the street. some sort of adventure is in order i believe.
someone should have punched me last night, when i decided that sleep was not necessary. i should have know. I should probably have just said okay when threatening with being thrown out the window. that would have taught me.
i realised just then that i hate violins with a deep seeded passion. i don't think a more shrill and ear piercing instrument has even been constructed. excluding the recorder, but that can't really even be classed as an instrument.
every time i listen to Flogging Molly i want to go and fall drunkenly into a ditch. i don't even have to be drunk, i just have to fall into the ditch in a drunken manner. not that i often act drunk and fall into ditches while listening to them.
so i guess i should choose some form of TOPIC, and then stick to it.
wouldn't that be nice hahahahaha.

so perhaps I shoils explain what's actually happening.
I stayed up all night discussing general life and godliness with a person that shall remain unnamed by his own request. name dropping is strictly forbidden, or so I hear.
anyhow, this morning I ate a green apple on an empty stomach on the way to work which I should have known was a bad idea.
my adventure into the bowels of hell (aka UnitCare Services) was short lived. I created an elaborate hoax involving a student mentor, a school forum and short notice to bail out fifteen minutes after I arrived. sadly, when I got up to exit the building I found that familiar bitter taste in my mouth and found myself pissbolting to the bathroom to throw up afore mentioned green apple.
the joys of life didn't end there though! no, they continued down the road as I walked to the bus. I guess you can't really call it walking so much as violently shivering to the point where I was actually making progress towers the bus stop.
feeling empty and a little bit depressed as I walked down rundle mall, I had a fucking awesome idea that I ought to go to McDonalds and eat a ham and cheese croissant. this also ended up in the sink of a public bathroom
now I go home to sleep.
pleAse.

your stuck in my mind like a thorn on a vine

argh!
so tired, you have no idea.
I was just laying in fetal position on the toilet floor wondering why i didn't just pass out then and there. It was strange really, because i knew in the back of my mind that there was an apple in the sanitary displosal unit. I knew this because i put it there about five minutes before the urge to be sick overtook me. Unfotunately i couldn't stay curled up on the floor forever, so i had to get up and prite back to my desk and write this instead of working.
another unfortunate event was the fact that as soon as i waas upright, i felt like throwing up again.
as i do now, just because i thought about throwing up. good god, something else please!
every time i close my eyes i feel like i'm leaving my own body and drifting into nothingness. i just want to sleep so much. it's freaking unbelievable.
usually i get that good old bit of adrenaline that keeps me going till about midday, but apparently not today, which is troublesome. my eyes feel like dinosaurs.
old and leathery. like little balls of averageness. in my face.
im slowly losing the mental skills needeed to actually write this. seriously that last sentence took me about five minutes.
man. why am i so fucking stupid.
I'm going home.

what kind of fuckery is this?

so im sitting in the dark, downloading all of Pantera's albums at one go, contemplating watching the first season of The Hills. I think a large part of the reason that i like that show is because i live in the Hills.
I just did probably the hugest thing of my life.
i sent in an application to work at Frankie Magazine in Sydney. Rowena Grant Frost just left to film the next season of her show, so they need someone to write rants.
and well, who is better at writing rants than me. There's a high liklihood that i will be rejected, but why not get all up in there and give it a shot.
I love that magazine so much, it is like, my one and utmost dream to work at it. they are so...not cool. that's what i love about it though. it actually has a little bit of substance and creativity. I wish they weren't a bi-monthly magazine. they should be like, weekly. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
/dies/

there is no night time, it's just a phase

a little fake rose

okay so as a first note, i ahve decided that i hate tumblr with a fiery passion. so now, i have also decided that i am going to stop stealing pictures from other people's blogs and tumblr (which is what i have been doing) and start using my own pictures because i don't suck at taking them and yeah.
so... I have realized that I should carry a notebooks around so I can write down my people watching escapades. this morning, on the bus back to Adelaide from Albert park, I drove past so many weird places and things. after halfway inn and black knight erotica I sort of lost track. anyhow, I realized, at eight in the morning on a Sunday, that I don't want to start driving everywhere. busses are so great. people don't seem notice that they do it, but everyone watches who gets on when the bus stops, and we all quietly judge the new arrivals. and unless they have a book, they join our ranks and watch the next set of people get on. you don't get that sort of quality people watching in a car.
in other equally as boring news, I think I have fallen in love with Elliott Smith. he is very Ben folds-esque, but just better. I never thought I'd say that someone trumped the lyrical genius of Ben folds, but there it is. Elliott smith shits all over him. actually, Ben folds is playing at re entertainment centre soon, and I inter to gather Dominic and go to that so we can rep two thousand and five.
Bec is at the pokies in hahndorf, so I'm just hangin out at home being bored.
last night was special. I caught a bus into the city at about eleven o'clock with a bunch of half drunk people and then sketched all the way to Albert park on the last train to see Rebecca smith. I tell you, I need some sort of chaperone to stop me doing stuff like that, because I ended up walking around in bare feet at four in the morning, exploring suspiciously dark streets all alone. for some reason there wasn't a lighter in the whole house so we were drunkenly lighting cigarettes on the stove top and bumbling outside with then to have deep talks about cancer and shitty parental units. you know that classic teen angst talk that sometimes just has to be had.
I bailed at seven thirty in the morning, after a sleepless night, and drank red cordial to rehydrated, which turned out to be a pretty bad idea. and then I got home and the electricity switches had been tripped so I couldn't even make myself a cup of tea.
I felt really selfish, staring up at the sky in the early hours. the world is so beautiful, why is it that so often I want to die. it was like staring at a that leaf. I never spare a thought for the people who really are dying, and want to love. I doubt that whatever comes after death is as beautiful as each and everything I see now.
it's an enlightening moment I have had a billion times but every time it hits me harder. funny how it makes me feel ten times worse but a thousand times better at the same time.
even my blanket is incredible now.

the beat of your blood has crystalised

mew, so i saw Paul today, and now i feel incredibly uninspired.
I love how some people change for the worse. i hadn't noticed until earlier today that people have changed. i hope it isn't my fault because it's not necessarily a good change. i think confidence is definitely necessary but there comes a point when being blunt actually becomes being rude and mean, and i don't think we realize how deep it can really cut when we are snide and rude to people, even if we're just kidding around.
It's like sometimes, he calls me a bitch and i know it isn't all just kidding around. i can tell because he says it in this snide manner, and i know that it is meant to hurt me at some level.
and there is always that sort of sinking feel when someone says something like that to me, because i know that i have to laugh it off, even though it makes me feel sort of offended and awkward around the person.
because it is a joke in the end, but it hurts and they might not get it, because no one tells them.
i'm not trying to be a victim, i can't be, i have had my fair share of times when i do that to other people, but like, at least i have the guts to say sorry because i have a glimmer of understanding. it sort of makes me really angry when people are so nonchalant like that.
another thing that pisses me off is when people jump down my throat for being 'antisocial'.
last night i went around to a friends place and she complained at me because i was apparently 'always on my phone'.
i mean, what a hypocrite. i think i may have just been on my phone for five minutes when she said it, because i was watching a movie on youtube that someone had said was funny. she is literally, so annoying sometimes. it's moments like those that i wonder why the spaceman balls i am friends with idiots like that.
i actually hate a lot of my friends, which is depressing, and i really want to go to sleep at the moment, but alas, i want some dinner first.
sad face.

i got lost, and i dont like eating bananas in public so i bailed to the nearest restroom

i think i just woke up callum from laughing so much, but that's okay because he asked to be woken up.
Dominic is so much funnier in writing. i dont know if it is just me or what but it makes me laugh like a loon on loon tablets.
i was just reading through my older posts (instead of carrying out my plan of action, i'll do that later) and i realised i was way more awesome when i was fifteen. i think i realize this every single time i read one of those posts, but whats an epiphany if you can't have it twice.
im laughing like a loon because i don't even feel like my memories are my own. its fucking with my mind.
just the fact that i was fifteen blows my mind haha.
i walked outside today i literally stared at a leaf for about a half hour, and that blew my mind as well.
seriously though, its freaking incredible that i can feel like such poo in the night time but then when i actually get off my ass and go out into the world, i have my mind...well blown.
for lack of a better term.
everything is so amazing, i can hardly believe people believe in evolution. i don't think things could evolve into what they are now. its just too detailed and amazingly incredible to come from blue green algae. what is that theory anyway.
doesn't it shame people to think that beings like us could come from blue green algae. it's just ridiculous, really. i had an awesome talk with dad over curry from little India yesterday, and I'm seriously considering starting to worship with them again on Sundays.
it is quite a dilemma actually, because i know that i disagree with some of their views, and i know that to actually be a Christian you really have to embrace the whole kit and kaboodle. i don't know if i am actually capable of doing that. because i remember being twelve and disagreeing, and i know that i definitely have a stronger personality now, and more opinions. I really just don't know gerald.

what's life without a plan of action

and I my sons, have perfected my own.
being a lazy, sad little poo is doing me no good (shock, horror), so I am going to do a number of siceningly intelligent thugs, and as I do them I am going to write lite bits about the improvement, or lackthereof, in my overall happiness.

NUMERO UN!
I must cleanse my room. because there is nothing more depressing than wandering about in a place that is average at best. and cluttered. I must make perty once again, the boudoir.
2. I must have a shower, a shower of truth. I must wash away all unforgivable sins and consume more tressemme because my god, that shampoo is delicious.
and third,
I must go to a bookshelf, find an amazing book specimen, and bury my nose in it until late december.

I like the sound of this. I do. there are very few times that I actually enjoy the thought of cleaning my room, but you know, one of these times is right now.
and, the next person who mentions how they didn't like my family will obviously not be particularly high on my list of friends. because I fucking never say how much I didn't really like your family, and when I said that, you didn't get angry at me because your an overly nice person.

io went to sleep crying, hoping this would go away. It hasn't.
worst thing is I don't know what to do, so I'm going to sleep again.

/fucks this

I don't know what I'm doing now. I've been reduced to a bumbling mess, sitting in front of the fire trying to wok out what the fuck I want to make happen. trying to understand why I am such a dismal failure.
I know life isn't worth wasting on being sad. But why is it so hard for me just to be happy. I'm so tired of having to pull myself up every ten minutes, stop that sinking feeling that takes over my guts every second moment. I am trying to be better, but I don't even know what better is.
i'm not even allowed to indulge myself as wonder why I deserve this because I know why. I know all he things I have done to deserve this and I can't even excuse myself. I think that's when you know things are bad, when you're such a terrible person that you can't even make excuses for yourself.
it's sort of ridiculous, I want someone to tell me I'm fine, but even if they did I wouldn't believe them because no one actually knows. and I'm being literal, I have never told anyone.
and I can't.
there's something about having a secret. it literally eats away at your sanity. every cell in my brain feels like it's dying. every organ in my body feels like it's going to fail. I doubt even my family would forgive me. and I'm not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not being paranoid. I have had enough time In my own head to know the full extent andthr true consequences for every single one of my stupid actions, my ridiculous words.
I feel like nothing. I want to feel something, anything over than this deathly, empty feeling I have now. I don't even think I would notice if I died right here, on the hearth. I want to run away but when I think about it it just doesn't seem worth it. not only do I have no where to go, but even if I did, I would still be stuck in my brain, hoping and wishing for the most amazing things and then realizing... realizing that I am nothing. I am nothing. I pound self-worth into my brain but I am still nothing.
nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. and being nothing is not worth sticking around for.
I am so fucking nothing I can even end it.
you know, I could go now, but I am stuck here because I'm so fucking worthless, all I am good for is fucking other people over so they can find themselves or something ridiculous like that. I want to scream or yell or punch something, but I can't. I want to choke on my own worthless tongue and die.

please identify the three food species that are on my spoon,

HONEY, THAT'S WATER

I think i should just start to write giantly long posts instead of writing about ten a day, the way i do now.
okay so i am getting really frustrated because i went for almost a week without smoking and now im all back into it. it is like i never stopped. the only problem is that i get so angry when i go cold turkey, and i know that if i want to, i will have to stop being around people for a few weeks. which never ends well because i fall right back in to this unbelievable feeling of shit.
so im sitting here wondering what i am trying to achieve here. and i setting myself up to be disappointed, or am i actually working towards something that will happen. i dont know if i have ruined everything beyond repair or if i can ever mean what i meant before again.
i know that even if i can never be what i was before, i want to at least mean something more than just a little piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe, but at the same time i don't know if my feelings will disperse or if it will be like it was before, and they won't go away unless all contact is cut.
i love heartbreak, its such an intense time. i mean, i don't especially WANT it to happen to me, but if it does, i think that one should embrace the pain. while that sounds weird, i mean that i think it helps us grow, and that if we shut out all the pain, and bottle it up, we will end up as empty shells of human beings.

the last word always makes me feel depressed.

super rich escape plans and flesh memory

okay so i am sitting here watching TV and they have these ridiculous adds about painkillers. this idiot is bouncing up and down on a fitness ball and his back starts hurting so he takes some big fuck off painkillers and just gets the shit on with his fitness ball work out.
IDIOT! there is a reason your body is in pain. stop shutting it out, listen and recover, or you are going to end up as an old man with a terrible fuck off back.
the other thing i am seeing are advertisements for drugs and microchips that you can use to ease your appetite. so that they like, subdue your appetite. that too is stupid. people dont even fucking understand that the healthy thing to do is listen to your body. if you get hungry, don't eat a big ol' bag of doritos, have like, a carrot or an apple. eat when you're hungry but make it something small and fresh. don't just ignore your body, freaking treat it well. you don't ignore your baby if it starts screaming. Jesus.
plus, don't they understand how the metabolism works? even if you have one meal a day, the likelihood is you won't lose heaps of weight because your body will stress out and hold onto the food that it gets. whereas feeding yourself with good food more regularly will actually end up training your metabolism to deal with the intake of food better and in a more healthy manner.

YES, HEALTH NUT FTW>

this coming from the girl that eats so much fatty shit its just ridiculous. i maintain that when i turn about thirty, it will all pop out my pants and i will die of a heart attack.
i just realized how utterly ridiculous i really am. if i were to go to my block and click the little link that says 'next blog' i would probably end up with the blog of a family from Texas that owns a farm in the middle of nowhere, has eight kids, and blogs so that their family and friends can see what they are doing.
and here i am writing about life, godliness and the need to listen to ones body. if that strikes you as a little retarded, say I.

you're a one trick pony

fark.
im going to bed. my eyes sting and i feel terrible and best of all. i dont have a motherfucking blanket because its somewhere in the goddamn mists of avalon. fuck this shit.

how many ways do you want to die?

oh man,
how gay can you get. like, in the grand scheme of things there is like, a little bit gay and really fucking gay.
you know i am going to be completely honest here, i have literally know idea what i was going to write up there. I was planning on writing something about how im passing the time looking at hilarious screen shots from Harry Potter with captions, but then my computer fucked up and i couldn't look at them so i can't.
I sort of feel like i just broke the illusion by mentioning that i actually plan what i am going to write. well, very occasionally i plan like, one or two sentences, but only like, a minute before and usually i change them a bit.
JESUS.
why am i justifying that. am i not allowed to think or something? so i was thinking the other day, that i am the jesus of all weirdo's. for some unknown reason i seem to have convinced myself that my problems are what makes me interesting. what is that? not interesting at all is what it is.
jesus i am stupid. what is wrong with me that i think that somehow my problems are fascinating.
oh well, i have come up with some commandments. like the ones from jesus.

1. thou shalt not miss more than ten days of school
2. thou shalt complete every assignment given to thee
3. thou shalt not tell unless asked
4. thou shalt not say things unless ye think about the ramifications first
5. thou shalt mention derogatory things like 'gay' and 'nigger'
6. thou shalt not make thyself think of anymore commandments lest thou suck more.

i thought they were awesome. i am going to write them on a stone tablet and present them to the jews, but i will add a little bit about not having a large nose. something like.../stops because of commandment five.
see that, i refrained from being racist because i told myself to. serious shit there mate.

im listening to Regina Spektor and wondering why everything is so unbelievably fascinating. meow.
what is wrong with everything. answer, long and stupid. face, awesome.
man i should do some homework. i know what i have to do.
I KNOW

im in your head like a rat in the walls

i dont know if anyone else knows that frustrated feeling where you sort of want to be the coolest person ever and just not care, and then theres the other half of you, which feels like getting a fast forward button and making everything all right again. not that things are bad, things are just completely average. i say this while snuggled under a feather blanket in a warm lounge watching murder mysteries on TV. shit is good in comparison to how it could be elsewhere, but i am at that point where i am sick of holding myself up. it amazes me how effortless people can make being happy look, when it feels like a fucking bburden to me.
its because i know how much easier it is to let even the littlest things get to you, rather than grabbing a big fuck off slice of frozen cheese and slicing them up until you just cant feel your hands anymore because it's so goddamn cold. i hate it when my arms get sore from that cheese, and i drop it, and i start to feel my hands again, and BAM! everything comes flying back and punches me in the face, so i have to find my mojo again and climb all the way up that ladder of happiness and try and get to the top once again even though i know what i need to do that, and since i dont have it, im going to sit somewhere below the target emotion until i just fall the fuck down and die. i want to go to sleep but im not tired. just want to cuddle up to this one person and go to sleep like i used to.
god knows how i have managed the last three monthss

frustration burns in me, it's more than I can bear...

there's something terrible, yet exciting, about the way someone or something can occupy your mind completely. it's sort of scary, that the human mind can obsess over things until nothing has meaning anymore.
I've checked my Facebook every five minutes for the last four office hours, and I don't even know what I'm expecting, but I know what I wan to see.
I've had this feeling the last few days that everything has changed and I've missed it happening, now I'm left in the background wondering what the fuck is going on while everyone else moves forward. I want the same things I have always wanted, but I don't know what anyone else wants anymore. it's so confusing, I can hardly bear it. I'm listening to depressing songs and wondering where I belong, and I'm feeling like a little piece of nothing on the face of the earth. mum always says to me that everything I put into myself, all the music, the thoughts I have, they're gking to burst out eventually. but it's all been whirling around for so long, I am not even sure what is happening anymore. as I said, falling behind.
I don't want to get old. I already feel like life is just he blink of an eye. sixteen years feels like nothing now, and I know I have so much more to go, it's daunting.
it sounds very cliched but I feel like the blood has frozen in my veins. i feel like feeling but it's just a big old pit in the stomach again. what a night.
muted is how I feel. muted and foolish.

country bumpkin crackwhore bitch

cranking the smashing pumpkins on the couch, listening to becs dad talking about his latest operation, wondering why I have two write a thousand word essay on legalizing gay marriage. can't I just say my opinion and be done with it? I'm failing at bring subtle. so good.

the devil on my shoulder

ah, yes, i like to eat toast.
its funny two hours i was so tired and now im all distracted and i want to keep being awake and make the most of the time i have to talk to people. person.
i made some silly choices, i really did, she thinks, listening to Alice in Chains with eyes wide open.
i want to kill myself for writing that. kidding, not actually kill but maybe maim. or like, gently destroy my own fingernails.
yeah, fingernails is good. man i really want to sleep, i think it might be time soon, even though it is only ten forty five.
i am all flustered and evil. i want to sleep i want to sleep i want to sleep. but sleep is such a waste of time.
i dont have all day, i only have like and hour and fifteen minutes left, and thats not heaps if you actually think about it.
OH MY GOD STOP BEING OFFLINE>
i want to eat someone, facebook chat sucks so much, i swear to god.
i hate this whole thing where every time i take a breath in my whole chest just seizes up and i start choking on air. its really comfortable, exactly how the body should work. plus mum hears every time i cough and she knows im awake, and keeps texting me to breathe deep, seek peace, and sleep. the sleep bit is in capitals too, so you know she's serious, even though she can't be bothered getting out of bed, walking ten meters to my room and complaining at me.
i just realised the other day that i seem to be really good at writing in run on sentences, with lots of full stops, and not much point.
and then i realised that im sitting in the dark, listening to Alice in Chains, blogging and smiling stupidly at my computer because of a totally mundane sentence that said, 'Its getting to small for me'.
that was in reference to a jacket. what the fuck is wrong with me.
i need psychiatrical help soon

you and your standard issue cupcake pajamas

my nose it blIckes and I feel like you average, run of the mill lesbian dark rider. crusoe the kitten is purring with a little too much gusto and dan is wandering about putting pants on that until recently were on the bonnet of the car. he's tried on a few outfits noe, I wonder if he has a date :)
breathing: labored, face: average at best. but what are you going to do?
I'm going to see little Miriam and Hannah later on tonight, and give Miriam a birthday present because I love her so, even when she tells me stories about beig a sly fox on the potty next to a river, when in actual fact she's on the potty in the lounge room. I don't really fully comprehend the way in which the mind of the toddler works. but I'm getting better at it, and that's a fact. OR IS IT?
gallons of anything would be nice. gallon is such a nice word. it's like pound or ounce. metric measurements sound so much nicer but really you'd think the metric system was always a more obvious choice for the mathematical genius' of the world. I spend so much time writing on my phone, it's one of the blessings of life and godliness.
little babies are so adorable, but I don't get why people like their smell. it's musty and weird, and it doesn't go away for ages because talcum powder keeps being used. it's weird that an ingredient for crack can be used to sooth a babies buttocks. very weird if you ask me.

they bowl with cabbages

two am. good time for the body and soul.
cigarette in hand and hair a-grease from the shower I forgot to have earlier, I ponder the meaning of life and the prospect of perhaps becoming some sort of billionaire through questionable means.
we're watching morning glory with Rachel McAdams and well, I have just realized how absolutely mesmerizing a fifty two inch TV can really be. I honestly cannot keep my eyes off it. depressing really, that I managed fourteen years without a television and suddenly I live in front of it. gone are the days of shooting my siblings with wooden guns in the dark and playing spotlight in the park. it's all about reality TV and getting high now. life changes in the funniest ways, it really does.

I carry your image always in my head, folded and yellowed and torn at the edge

oh my goodness god almighty Mary mother of Jesus.
I had only one lesson today, and my god it was abysmal. I don't have any idea why I signed up for Legal Studies in the first place. is it because my brother is a laager and well... being smarter than my douchebag brother is definitely high on my list of priorities. but honest to god it is so unbelievable, numbingly boring. and plus the teacher absolutely despises me because I accidentally neglected to go to about ninety percent of my lessons last time, but what does he expect, he is a terrible teacher. god it was abysmal.
I'm going To go now.