I am the night

growing old is such a hard notion to fathom. i can't think of what i will be like in twenty years. i cant imagine looking back on my younger days. i cant imagine having children, or a family, or what the world will be like. none of us ever really understand how much things are going to change.
its amazing how gradually a person can turn from an insane partier to a responsible adult. you dont see it happening until it's done, and then you feel as though you dont really know that person anymore.
its worse when someone stays in a rut. the sort of person who takes three years to achieve one tiny thing. that is sort of depressing. those people are the people that one should avoid if one is trying to achieve something in life. its amazing how people can take you down with them if they hold on tight enough. or if you dont struggle enough.
i guess i want to strive to stay away from people like this. i want to be something more than just an average person. theres a study that shows, that after eighty years, you are forgotten. in eighty years, all the people i was once friends with, will have forgotten me, and i them.
i dont want to be forgotten, i want to be remembered, even if it isnt for something as amazing as the theory of evolution, i want to be remembered after im gone. something of me wants to remain.
i dont know, its all wonderful. in another place or something.
i want to travel at the moment. all i can think about is how huge the world is and all the amazing things that ninety percent of people aren't going to see just because a car, or a mobile phone is more important to them. i want to go see the ancient mayan cities and the pyramids, the grand canyon, mount everest and mont blanc. i want to ski in aspen and see the northern lights in finland, so when i am old, i can remember all the amazing things i have seen and done, instead of just looking back and realising i stayed in just one place for my whole life. i dont know, resistance is futile.

I don't understand some of the adds on television. what impact are they supposed to have? sometimes I overanalyze them to the point where I am like some sort of psychoanalyst trying to work out if adds are some sort of tethnical inception. you know like impairing an idea off thought in peoples brains. I guess it sort of is, which makes me a bit nervous. the minds of a consumer population are weak. I bowser use the power of the force to fend off these attacks on my mind. but not really, I like shoes as much as the next girl who bought a pair of camper boots And is now broke does.

mcdolands are ridiculous with their oven baked bits and bobs that might count as about an eighth of a meal at the very best. it's just so goddamn phoney.

I hate it when films have giant plot floors or phoney English voices because the film is in German and subtitles were obviously an impossibility because some people are stupid. I find it very off-putting if I am trying to amuse myself with said film. I just don't understand why they don't research a bit before they go about building eye and filming douchebags dandering around like goddamn fools. sonuvabitches, ruining the sacredness of films.

you know, I have a question: why would you agree to go to the lake of fire with Satan? does it sound like a great idea? not to me. if Satan invited me to the lake o fire I'd say something alon he lines of : "hello no!".
in the voice of a festively plump African-american woman.

I wonder why people refer to a fictional young glass as either half empty or half full? some foolish goddamn analogy for ones outlook on life... anyhow, said glass is always full. half air, half water, stupid sonuvabitches. is it some form of sign that depression is stupid? god knows.

and why, if you are a douche would you continue to be one. I mean, if you don't like homebrand ice-cream because it's not goddamn creamy enough, but you do like Blue Ribbon ice-cream because it's super duper creamy. anyway, if you don't have enough money to afford Blue Ribbon unless you don't buy milk, and you keep buying it, you are a douche. that is very douche-like yeah it is

by his side, and drunk on pride

oh what a lovely day! I was decidedly disgruntled when I was awoken by the motherhood at around eight in the morning, so I didn't actually get up until five minutes before we went to Glendles to press ye olde wine. it was all sunny and lovely when we donned our white t-shirts and hosed down all our equipment. it smelt so much, I think I actually got a bit drunk, but it looked lovely with all the little grapes in the huge tubs. we put together the big wooden press and then syphoned all the juice
that we could out of the tubs, and then used a giant red plastic spade to scoop out all the berries into the press. my feet and fingers turned purple and so did my white t-shirt but what of it? then I had a nice nap and we web back to camp only to be intercepted by a call from Xavier telling us to go sailing with him. so now we're going sailing on the high seas. and the. to Bombora for dinner. and then tomorrow we exit? yay stage oft, to a drum and base concert on ice with Bec.

another sickening paragraph about my genuine happiness and contentment with life. I dot even know if it's genuine anymore or if I am trying to convince myself that I feel good even thPugh every second moment I feel nauseas and my heart plummets into merest. it's amazing how tree despair can just take you over. anyhow, we went for a nice walk across the bridge to granite island and dandered around. I think mum had a bit too much wine because she was very loud and ridiculous the whole time, and her and granny had serioustrouble sitting down in the theatre but you know, they're oldies, they're allowed... i think.
tomorrow morning will be occupied with the excellence of wine crushing. I'm pretty sure that's the last step of making wine, when you syphon it out of the big tubs and into the barrels and then take the rest and put it in the crusher to get out all the excess juice into the barrels. and then you let it be in the lovely barrels for at least two years. yay. I'm off to humble sleep now.

today was decidedly lovely too. I woke up Earl and had scrambled eggs and salmon for breakfast, and then dandered around like a fool for a long while, as I was waiting for the others together shot together so that we could go shopping. we had quite a brisk walk up to the town and I went Ito this strang shop called Ruther Cottage. it turns out I have a new favorite shop in the world. they had the most amazing Tony Bianco cream pumps and Vuitton travel trunks that I could have been happily buried in. fortunately it all cost a fortune so I didn't buy anything. actually hold on I bought some textured fluer d'elise black and white wrapping paper and one with silver roses too. but I am most certainly going to go there every chance I ever get. we had chai lattes at Cockles On North and discussed something but I left half way through to go to little bird and get my copy of Catcher in the Rye back. they still had it, which was good, and I also found out that they ar moving to glenelg because the owners children go to school in seacliff and she can't be bothered sob the traveling every day. I got a little distracted and ended up buying Miriam a birthday present too. you know when you make a shape with your hands and if you put it up against a light the shadow willl look like a dog? igot her a little cream t-shirt with the hand and th shadow behind I printed on it. and hen a little card with the outline of a deer that said hello dear on the front. it was all rather adorable. and hen I went to St. Nudes thrift store and bought some of the little old ladies hand made jam ( which reminds me we have a crabapple tree at home that we should make some jam from).
anyway I left St. Nudes fairly speedily because I don't like the smell and I went past Vincents Coffee Shop and bought Bec some new red and blue and cream teatowels because the ones she has now leave little bits of lint on the dishes. I stopped by The Old garage Emporium as well, which is a shop that I really did like a lot and I found hat it contains nothing of much interest anymore which was saddening. after that disappointing venture I dandered home to the sound of Rage Against the Machine and played terrible games on my iPhone unt about three, when I fell asleep. mum decided to wake me up to ask if we wanted to go see Arthur tonight which apprently we do, so we're leaving for that in about and hours. I am about half way through catcher in the Rye now and I just remembered how much I loved it. Auckley and his mossy teeth piss me off so much, and the sonuvabitch is a fictional character :/
I do love how Sallinger wrote it though. imperfect in a manner that suits Holdens personality so perfectly. contradictory I know hit what are you going to do. tonight I am going to go down onto the beach and write some more observations. god if I had the motivation I would write a whole goddamn book.

I cheated myself, like I knew I would

today was gorgeous. I woke up at about midday with the rain pattering down on the canvas of my tent, and mummy made me a cheese toasty and ancup of tea. the rain ceased around one, at which time I Donned my lovely pants and a jacket and went for a walk Down behind crockery bay and little beach with my camera. it was a bit breezy and the tide was basically as high as it gets, but there was some sunshine and birds were singing and all in all it was beautiful and tranquil, and it made me happy to be alive. I met mum and Elizabeth on the way back to camp and we had a nice chat, and a walk around the cliff walk. it was freaking serene. and then me and granny and Elizabeth went to look for a place to have dinner while mum and glendle went to a Greek cafe with Xavier and steph. we ended up in this gorgeous little Irish pub called 'Murphys Inn'. it had the best ambience, little green candles on all the little tables and Irish fold music playing. and the cutest Irish woman served us. I had some kickass chicken stuffed with prawns and then a baked cheesecake. and then we came home and I went for a walk down to crockery bay in the dark with my blanket and wrote in my little book and then came back and got into bed. I haven't had a cigarette in two days, which is quite and achievement for me:)
I believe this is the end of the smoking era. i hope It will be. oh wait I forgot we went into the town and I bought a little copy of catcher in the rye but I left it in Little Bird. we had coffee at vincents and discussed the smell of different shops in much depth, and me and Lizzie went into seabreeze silver, where I saw the most amazing necklace of black ribbon with a tiny silver bird in a little silver cage. it was beautiful.

we fight the sin, not the sinner

I am full of serenity this evening.
praise god for my clarity.
I had a dream last night that scared the crap out of me.
I was in a dungeon, the sort with huge rusty bars of iron in strange placed. burnin orange light and smoke coming from the ground. winding around and up my legs, coming from no particular source. it was just me, wandering around this completely Freddy like dream, completely alone. that's what really scared me. it was so vivid, I seemed to be living it.
I have never had a dream like that, it was mind blowing.
so scary.

i am going to...

pretend like everythings fine.

what about the girl with lonliness

im laying in bed listening to Ben Kweller, getting ready to do my evening meditation and then go to bed. dinner was average at best, but being my sweet self i said it was amazing and threw it all up later ;D kidding. i got home and Xavier was around which was nice, except he made mum give him a head massage before she gave me one, which was annoying. i got progressively angrier throughout this day as i decided to cut down on my cigarette intake. it fucking hard, i swear to god, but i intend to stay chilling at home until i have quit, and maybe then i can go around to becs again,, but i sincerely doubt it, she and dan are beginning to make me feel like and angry tard. i'll at least wait untli she calls me, that means her phone bill will have all been cleared. speaking of phone bills, i should pay mine.


and from the inside out,
you've changed you know you have,
dont make a good thing bad,
just let me hold you in my hands,
i'd do everything you want me to,
i do everything you want me to do.

i love ben kweller so much.
he's on par with ben stiller and that other ben whose last name has slipped my mind. i am so sick of everything. i feel like i've been trodden on and smacked in the head with a brick and i feel like i have done the same thing to everyone else. i think i believe in karma now.

the only problem really left is that all i can think about is two people, and they're the ones i miss the most. its about to make me cry. i hate it.
goodnight.

you wasted life, why wouldnt you waste death?

I've been so angry lately. all the people I actually care about have abandoned me and the people I have left are the ones i want to abandon. even listening to them talk now, the way they're talking is making me angry. if I were bolder I would just walkout of this place and never talk to them Again. it seems to me that they are very stuck up. sometimes I wonder if I am like that, and I hope to he'll that I'm not, they're making me want to vomit. I wish I wasn't the only one here who wants to go somewhere in my life. you'd think that after twenty seven years of doing the same thing, only just scraping by each day, would give you some form of motivation to do better.
I want to go home but dinner isn't even ready yet and therewas extra food bought for me and I will feel bad if I don't have some. I wish I had someone to talk to but atthe same time I am happy that I don't.
I sort of hate that I need someone to depend on all the time. it's just that right now, I feel like I am totally alone. is that bad? I have no idea. the only thing is that I feel like everyone has gone. I really cannot think of anyone.
I have to stop being a fucking dreamer and get real. because dreaming is pushing me deeper and deeper Into a deep crevasse of depression and it's somewhere that I'm scared to be.
I want food and I want to go home. I'm sick of these people, this place... I dot even know why I came here. I just want my big one back, because i havent got anyone else anymore ):

dragged into the toilets

man I am almost drunk but let's go with it.
listening to a pendulum va subfocus mix with Gemma and Bec. it's all rather kickass. we had a huge meat fruit wine. cheesy platter just then, it was awesome .

holy fucking smokes

dear fagz,
so, i can't believe its only just nine thirty, feels like this day has gone on for so much longer, but whatever. going to a yoga class with mother tomorrow morning, drove past some serious shit tonight. not going to mention what it was though. I had the creepiest dream last night, some old guy kept telling me that 'I can't do it' and 'I'm not coming back' meant serious shit. i think it was a mixture of me overthinking my own stupidity and watching too much dexter, in which serious shit goes down. but whatever.
You know when you get really freaked out about whether or not you sound bitchy through text. I always sound like im being snide when i write things, unless they're super deep things. speaking of which, life is good. Even though there's too many questions left unanswered for my taste, it's doing all right. I am having trouble coming to terms with what i seem to have lost, and finding it difficult to find something to gain, but as long as i sit in this middle ground of just being content, i think i should be all right. that's a lie, im not content, it goes up and down, but you gotta do what you gotta do i guess, and in the end, it will all pass. I was watching something the other week, i can't remember what it was, but it was all themed around living in the moment, and it made me realise that living in the moment is all good and well, but if you can't let go of that moment when it passes, then you're fucked. Unfortunately it is human nature to miss things and regret things, and we will always play over and over the moments that we wish had lasted forever, until we find a new one to obsess over. It gets harder and harder to find a new moment, it seems, because we're so busy holding onto the last that whatever new comes along, we might miss it.

i miss the past a lot though, and i dont have the company anymore, and my moments tend to be lonely at best.

and to make things even more amazing, im getting into my old habit of negativity in reference to my friends. i've basically cut off one of my best friends because i just can't deal with her anymore, and its getting pretty hard to stand the other one now too, which is fucking unfortunate because basically that means i am ALON. until i find someone better to be bffs with and then hate them eventually too and so on and so on. it only took me three years to get through all of the people at heathfield, so i have about two good years left in marden, which should be all good. i was seriously contemplating going back to heathfield next term so i can cut down life expenses but i dont think i can go to that school, where all those darling people hate me because i fucked over one singular person, and i didnt even fuck him over, he just decided i did. lets leave that one be otherwise i'll get on to a rant about how selfish a little cunt said shitface is.
its getting better though, so maybe hatred will disperse. perhaps go to africa, get aids and die.
YEAH THATS A GOOD PLAN MATE>