desperation day

what's up kids. I'm on a bus surrounded by what seem to be school teachers and stupid kids debating the usefulness of hair gel. if there was a cliff ssomewhere near me right now I would happily jump of it.
I didn't go to photography today, and I only speant a half hour at work. my going cold turkey with the smoking was difficult but what can you do. I had one this morning haha. thn again a smoke Is necessary when you wake up at five thirty in the morning. maybe that's just my personal opinion but whatever Trevor. I keep going to sleep at ridiculous times like nine thirty in the evening, it's so stupid but I definitely makes waking up in the morning a whole lot easier. some things must he resolved. there is a woman with her pot belly in my face. it's stupid.

he can't wait to count the times I've gone wrong

go and bow your head and weep because the world won't change while you sleep.

so i revived my facebook about three hours after i deleted it. i swear its more addictive than cocaine. mybe not but i think you get the idea.
I am a hopeless sack of shit.

technological failure

I just deleted Facebook. feel like I just cut myself off from the whole entire world. it feels fucking good.
I rather do want to go to a bar in Tokyo where the demons from my past leave me in peace, but I'll have to save up for that suit. packed all my stuff, going back to my room so be a winner and get some freaking work done. I'm keen as a motherfucking bean. the more I think about it the happier I am that I'm making a decision that might improve my state of mind. I'm sick of trying to slowly quit smoking so I'm going cold turkey. I'm happy.
I'm scared as well, but happy. wonder who I'm trying to convince.

just quietly, you're a whore

love how you pretend to give other people a choice, but in the end you always do what you want. the shallots will be cut the way you want them, we'll watch the movie or tv show you like, we go at you're pace. it's sometimes polite to give other people a real choice every now and then. I'm pretty sick of it. I know your choice wins against mine because you feel that I'll accept anything but I need a fucking break. if I start spending more time away you'll think I hate you but I don't, I just dont like being ignored. I'm going home tonight and I'm going to stay there. I need to anyway, dads going to use my living here against mum in the whole child support thing, and I can't do that to her. plus, you're making stupid choices with your life. and therefore I am too. I know it's not your fault, it's mine but because of this I need to make some good choices, and I want to. I'm going to finish school and I'm getting so behind right now because I'm caught up in this lazy shot lifestyle we have going.
I don know what to do but I do know that h
this isn't worth ruining my chances for. I need to make some smart decisions.
I am so stupid. always have been. but I won't alwAys be. not worth it.

what I'm experiencing is clearly an erosion of my moral fibre

shit's serious man. I don't know if everythings over yet but if it is, happy birthday, merry Christmas.
ten things.
one:
writing means more than anything else to me. everythings easier with a blank sheet of paper and a pen. words come easier, explanations find themselves with hardly any thought. it means more than anything I've ever come across.
two:
life is short in the grand scheme of things. everyone wanders around searching for a destiny, but in the end we all die. the utmost fear , death, can't be avoided. so why does everyone try to put it off for so Lon. well I know why. everyone knows why. we're scared. I am not scared any more.
three:
I miss being young. the best advice I've ever been given is to enjoy my youth. unfortunately that's not possible. everyone wants to grow up too fast. we do it no matter what, and we'll all always regret not enjoying our childhood
four:
something terrible happened to the English language when abbreviations were created. words used to be used in an artistic manner, in a way that fully aroused and took over the mind, but now english has been massacred into a meaningless pieces of crap. my writing is an example of this.
five:
although the English language has suffered, there is still nothing better than writing the words that mean the most to you.
six:
one day, if I ever get old, I hope people remember me in a good way. I think in my mind that I'll live wondering about the impact I've had on other people. scary that I may never know.
seven:
if I ever attain the courage to go, I will be gone in a second. I love people. I really do but there's more than just people in the world. sometimes the beautiful things don't make up for the ugly. sometimes its all just brutally drownEd.
eight:
there's only so many bullets in a gun.
nine:
fuck the police
ten:
words run out.

no longer can I stomach the insatiable greed of the huma

I'm watching into the wild with Bec. it's such an inspirational film: I have myself thinking this evening about how stupid I'm getting. what happened to all the profundities I used to keep in this here head of mine. lately I haven't really been alone in my head, every waking minute is spent with Bec. i am in desperate need of sanctuAry basically. some time I can use to get back all the thoughts I had before and continue with them.
I did have one thought the other day, while I was in the shower. I thought about why, if evolution is real, why aren't animals still evolving. I mean, it wouldn't have been perfectly synchronized. animals would evolve at different rates. therefore there ought to be Neanderthals and all thAt wandering about. my own answer to this was that humans have created an environment so toxic to other species that evolution has become impossible. someone could argue that more primitive tribes; indigenous people like the aboriginals, are in a stage of evolution. I think not. it is their choice to live the way they do. they have the opportunities but they choose a traditional life. that's cool.
I'm off now. goodnight.

apple juice, apply juice floods

watching fantastic mr fox again with Bec, waiting to get the wolfman back off Daniel. I love Sunday's so much. I really do need to leap into the shower so I can shave the legs. I made a kickass pumpkin soup last night and then ate of with Bec when she finished work. lately life has been really satisfying. I've found a balance between doing nothing and having an awesome time.
I'm very satisfied by life in general really.
I do miss certain things about my old life but I'm getting over it slowly. I hate people that don't watch movies properly. I'm allowed to blog because I have already seen it but if you're watching it for the first time you really ought to pay a lot of Attention. especially because fantastic mr fox is the best ever. okay I love bananas. and I want to blend up that soup som more because there's nothing better than a really average well blended soup:)

I crave you :)

I had a fucking awesome night last night. Managed to stay at that lovely point between tipsy and drunk for most of the night, and i wandered
Around the top level of the house in the dark while everyone else broke down one by one.
Pieran and alex and I all got into the nitty gritty of life, which was fascinating. I had a kickass chicken burger at the bridgewater inn.
I have school on Monday, which is rather joyous.
Pretty sick of the male specimen ):

You're the best mirage I've ever seen

I have a deep need to travel because i am watching sex in the city two and they're in abu dahbi. Winner winner chicken dinner. No buy seriously though I am super keen to go to India and Thailand and Vanuatu and Iceland and Switzerland. I would super love to go everywhere and learn everything ever. And do karaoke because i haven't since i was eight or so. Yay. That is all.

The past is sleeping right next to me...

The shit is about to hit the fan. No, not even, but it is about five thirty in the morning and I haven't slept since ten or so yesterday. Plus I have a nine hour day at work in about two hours. Nine hours isn't too much, I'll admit, but when it is boring shut like converting files and stuff, then I fall asleep a lot. I have to get some cheese. I am so offing tired. Need coffee.
I'm watching sex in the city and I think becs falling asleep but that's all right bEcause I will be leaving soon:

Strangers think I'm trustworthy

So, I was thinking about actually writing a book. The only thing is, people say that you should write what you know and the only thing I know is my thoughts, and some other random facts like how snails can sleep for up to three years if they so wish. And who wants to read that suit? I mean, who even has the time? I know it's ridiculous for me to say this in a blog of my never-ending thoughts, that I have convinced myself people read. I know of some that do, and they're all fucking awesome people. I have moved past my anger and hatred now, and am feeling decidedly optimistic about life.
Watching a movie of scariness so I had better off go.

Bitch moan

So, while I strongly support the notion of being a fresh as lesbian, that shit's not my style.. I'm way too gangster. But this isn't the point. I'm actually here to openly disapprove someones cooking. Now, while i love this person immensely, and often enjoy their culinary creations with much gusto, I must speak now or forever hold my peace. I feel, that said friend often drowns wonderful foods in a host of Asian sauces that do not naturally compliment the fresh ingredients used. I once was a firm believer in the wonderment provided by the use of hoisin sauce on foods, I find myself less enthusiastic, since a recent encounter with a risotto that was loaded with the stuff. I feel that this was necessary to be said .

Holy fucking lord almighty I just watched the mOst amazing film. Timer. With John Patrick amedori and Desmond Harrington ( Quinn from Dexter). I died a little inside every time anyone appeared onto screen, so I was just dying for two straight hours. Not the bad kind of dying, the really good sort. The sort of inside withering you experience whEn you see Heath ledger on tv or something. Except I don't die when I see Heath because he's dead and that just sort of weirds me out I guess. I mean he's wonderful and sexy and all that but it's like having a gay man act James Bond: he may be A sick actor and harass and all that shit, but he's still gay and that is very disturbing.
Heath ledger Is sexy but he's dead. That's all.

How bout some hotass sex?

So, once again I fell asleep this eve and woke up at ten o'clock so fucking won't be sleeping tonight. Had dinner with my dad on Tuesday, which was nice. Miriam and hannah and I read books and I Sang them to sleep. I suck sO much that Miriam had to teach me the words to her song hahA. Then I fell asleep during bible study, while singing a psalm, which was a pretty massive achievment.
And then I came back to becs, got high and didn't go anywhere. That was really exciting except I should have gOne to the strathmore. It's okaythough because I called them and thy were cool with it. Haag. Going to school tomorrow though to see James and Chelsea and meet my student mentor person. Watched due date today. It was less laugh out loud than I was expecting but still quite good. Me and Bec have decided we should become movie critics so that we can do what we do best: impose our opinions on others from the safety of our couches. Fuck yes.
Love having an iPhone, means I donny ever have to go home, not even for the internets
I am such a winner. Meeting becs brothers this weekend, which should be awesome. That girl, I feel like I am in a relationship with her haha. She is my neatest friend though. Okay im off to watch the cook and the chef. I love Maggie bier so fucking much.

Hey tiger, is someone hungry?

So, couldn't sleep and am watching MAD instead. Hills and cribs will be on soon, which is Good because thats mine and bec's Sunday tradition but we forgot it yesterday. Having an all right night, just trying to get a bit sleepy so I can go to sleep and be all right for work tomorrow. Need to get motivated, as I have said many times before. Me and mum had a decent time tonight. We made a roast vegetable salad, pasta bake and chocolate cake for Bec's birthday dinner and the bros came round. It was good. I have to work nine hours tomorrow so that I can pay my phone bill on Saturday but that doesn't really bother me. I have an interview at the strathmore on town on Wednesday, which is fucking awesome, but I'm still trying to work out Igbo should finish years eleven and twelve before start and apprenticeship. Life would he a shitload easier if I had my sace and had passed year twelve. Oh well, all things will be resolved.
I dunno. But the hills is on so I am going to disappear into the mists of Avalon. Also, if ever you read this again Nath, I still miss you a heap and I really hope you're doing okay. And I may or may not have been Facebook stalking you. This is all.
Farewell kids

How many time have I asked you to put the lid back invite peanut butter jar?

Banana boat . It's bec's birthday today and I baked her a chocolate cake and mE and dan and cal and dom and Bec are going tO eat it. Yay

I know we'll be just fine, when we learn to love the ride

So, ten to three in the morning,
Didn't know I could actually blog on my phone but there you go, apparently I can.
I'm watching united states of Tara with Bec.
I don't know what to do. I know, life is awesome, I should go outside and be one with nature and be all happy about how I'm on the earth and suit but that's not the answer to eternal happiness, sorry dolly doctor.
To tell you ( whoever you may be, I don't even know who reads this anymore) anyhow, to be completely hOnest I feel like a bit of a shit at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel as bad as I used to but I'm in a rut.
Didn't do anything this week, just drank and smoked weed with Bec. Literally hardly moved from the couch I'm on now except for to make food or go to joes for movies, or to mine to get cOffee. I need to get out of this shit and do something but I find myself back in the same spot I was almost a year ago. I'm sick of school, work and I just want to do something new. I want to get back into a kitchen somewhere. I think it would be different now. Now that I know what to expect.
I didn't get it for a little while but really that's what made me happy for half of last year. I thought it was he reason I felt like crap but the only reason I felt like that was because I did stupid shit and blamed it on everyone else. I think I honestly could immerse myself in it forever.
But at the same time mum will kill me if i leave school and go back to a kitchen. She'll tell me that I am still to immature. Fuck I know i am, I know that I need to grow up.
But well, I can't helP but wonder what I have to do. I spend six out of seven nights away from home now, I don't ask her for anything But I still pay her reNt as well as helping Bec around the house, and with money for rent and food. I know that mum still has control over me bEcause I'm sixteen but I'm not even living there anymore. Fuck it I'm not welcome there. Half my stuff is here at becs now, but I can't sleep on her couch forever. And I can't go home really at all. I love my mum but I've made some mstakes lately thAt have really fucked things up between us. In the end I feel lonely and depressed and unmotivated and it's beginning to get too much: basically I need to get out. Can't live at becs. Dan still hates me, decided to tell his mum I'm a junkie and tell my mum that I'm the last person in the world he wants to he friends with again. I swear to god mum would rather him than me. But whatever the boy is a little fucked up. I love him but he seems to be creating problems for other people becaus he can't face up to his Own. Oh well. Fuck this

Lazarus and Abednigo

Lazarus was going to the marker. he saw Abednigo. He looked really smug.
"why the smug face?" Lazarus exclaimed jovially.
" well," said Abednigo "I just got released from prison and no one burned me!" and tapped the side of his nose.
"Gos, I must be off" said Lazarus, "Come to see me sometime"
Abednigo smiled and went on his way, but then he pulled a sour face that plainly said 'I'm not going to see him, he's a pedophile'
Lazarus felt sad because he knew no one cared about him because he would only become famous after his death when he rode to heaven on a chariot, instead of his soul going up, so very confoundingly.
"oh well, at least i can eat the watermelon I'm going to buy and no one will be at my house for me to share with" But he was just lying to himself so he wouldn't feel sad. He wished Shadrakc, Meshack and Abednigo would want to share food with him because he was BORED. So he began to formulate a plan. a plan to look like someone whose house people wanted to go to. It took a while but he soon brought himself up to the standards he had set. He was now very dapper and to congratulate himself he drank some ye olde ethanol.
Shadrack had unfortunately just arrived at the house on an errand on which he was much afraid. If he were a girl in modern times who was a girl scout then he would have been awarded a bravery badge. He would also be on Xanax because he was a most miserable and nervous young man. And yet it was biblical times and he was very scared. Especially when Lazarus, drunk on inflamed spirits, flung the door agape. The wind hollered despair and a rarity occurred. So then Shadrack, Meshack and Abednigo though Lazarus was still creepy because he was very drunk when Shadrack had visited him. So then Lazarus thought to himself 'It's not just my personality, it's my habits too! Oh no!'
But other stuff happened and the moral is that Lazarus realized that if you have to change yourself because other people think you're not good, you shouldn't unless you agree. If you think you are bad and want to change, you should. Lazarus knew he wasn't a pedophile so he wasn't going to change his hair or stop drinking. he stood up to those dudes and yelled obscenities at them from his roof. Lazarus was proud of who he was. he was just an old guy waiting to get taken to heaven in style, with some other dudes watching too. He was gay for god and Jesus anyway.

THIS WONDERFUL STORY FROM ANASTASIA DEANE-FREEMAN, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MONUMENTALLY WHACKED WHEN SHE WROTE IT.
honestly, she might not have been, i don't remember, but it seems pretty whacked to me.

you have to fight just to make it through, because i will be the death of you

dear person that this is aimed at,
of all the promises you made, there was only one that i thought you would really keep. and i think you're breaking it right now.
i understand what's happening, and i'm accepting it but i swear to god when april ends your face won't be the same ever again.
my friend the crow bar with definitely be involved.
i just can't believe you sometimes.
well, i never really believed you, i sort of wished i could but it was fairly unbelievable when you think about it. i hope this teaches you to follow through, i really do, because god knows thats what you need to learn.
anyhow, lets move on to more happy things.
such as, the last month has been... fascinating.
thats all,
love

when they take everything away

so kids, lets recap the last century.
kidding i honestly can't do that, i have a very basic grasp on history, but definitely not enough to even tell anyone the large stepping stones that man has dandered across these past one hundred years.
i have done very little in the last two days.
I planned a trip to bali with rebecca today, and went to the dentist. that was basically the extent of my movement,
and then yesterday i spent literally five to seven hours on the same couches with bec, smoking weed and arguing about seriously philosophical things like god vs science, weather a midgy and a sandfly is the same thing (they are, i was wrong) and many other fascinating things.
i'm fairly mellow now, from that burst of hatred i had the other day, stuff hasn't changed but i've dealt with it.
its not really difficult to just push it all to the back of my mind and have a bit of fun with mates, but whenever i end up alone, trying to go to sleep at night it all invades my thoughts. i avoid it by imagining life two years from now. imagining how much everything will change always amuses me, mostly because i always make myself way better than i actually am in my head. I make myself into a lovely little fool that likes florals and teacups and things like that.
fortunately i will never be a fag like that, but we can dream.
anyhow, im off to attain mad ass beats for the hood in which i will be spending this evening.

you're just somebody that i used to know

I had a..less than average week. didn't really do anything. Home again, but not really having fun with it. Bec's couch was giving me back pains, and i find it very strange sleeping in her bedroom with her suitcase of facial creams on the bed next to me. but i guess that's a personal preference. there is also a lot of wine at that house at the moment. like, seven litres, but i think we drank a couple last night so...
it's yummy, but yeah.
plus, im seriously running out of money, so there's an issue with that. I won't have any money until tuesday next week, and i have to make a claim for youth allowance so mum gets my youth allowance, even though i don't eat food at her house, i barely use my computer anymore, i do all that at work os school, i hardly ever sleep there, and she isn't paying for my phone anymore. I don't really understand what i owe her, and why she recieves my money. Maybe the boys should give her some fucking money >_< anyhow, lets not get bitter, it does not become us. hmm, im begginning to sound like smeargle.
hurrah, he actually is my favourite character in that whole series of films.
Hurrah.
goodbye children, eat chicken, grow old, die of chicken induced cancer, go to heaven, fuck god, go to hell, punch the devel, go into limbo...wander the earth, right all your wrongs, go to heaven again and then blahdeeblah etc etc what a conundrum.
wow, grammar just went to shit. i hope it's all right.
someone kill me.
bye

feeling like two am summer night

so,
shit, well, nothing really. a crazy black haired girl is looking at me from across the room, i think she might be judging my giant fucking headphones.
fuck, she won't stop. its really fucking disturbing. I have photography at some stage today, which is awesome, we get to develop more film. yay.
okaybye