i never know what's coming, forever fascinated

im at the point where i just really dont know if i can be fucked.
im really fucking tired, i had a shit day, no sleep last night and i just feel like a giant fuck.
its like i've walked one whole big fat fuck off circle, and i am literally back at square one. took me a whole year to realise that i actually wanted what was happening. and now i have to work my way back to where i was when i fucked myself over.
and see im so unsure about everything, but i invested myself in it fully, and now i have to deal with it.
im just so tired all the time, which in all reality is my own fault, but i really am.
i tried going to sleep early the other night, couldn't, even though i was tired as fuck.

It's seven in the morning and I still haven't slept. I have basically been lying here for an hour now, an it's just not happening. I'm kicking myself for being such a dumb fuck, and I want to kick other people for the same reason. I'm so not psyched for the shitstorm that will inevitably begin when I get home tomorrow. Fuck I would care so much less if I wasn't a part of this fucking crap. This is so stupid. I keep fucking volunteering to be the idiot who keeps the fucking secrets.

I should have said something to someone , maybe then I wouldn't be in this position. I'm so tired I can't even fucking think. I hate being lied to.
I just want to go to sleep but my brain is not letting me. I want this crap to be over already. Worst timing ever.
And I should have known. Both times I should have fucking known shit would end badly. Like it was fucking obvious from the beginning and I just ignored it because I wanted to be the one that didn't fuck people over. I shouldn't have been so fucking stupid. I'm not, but I act like it. Because I need some stupid validation for my existence. Every single time I do something like this I end up in the middle of shit that shouldn't even concern me. And it's always because I want to feel like someone wants me. I don't seem to care who, or why, I just seem to need some fucking... I don't even know.
And then I make it about myself when shit finally does go down.
Honestly this should be a fucking thing about how worried I am about Dom but instead all I can think about is me.
Great.

yes I've made mistakes, but life doesn't come with instructions.

i'm looking for inspiration, but everything is quite nondescript, and the post cards i picked up this morning are in the glove box of the car. i can't be bothered going out there just to stare at them until i feel something other than bored.
I'm at work, scanning things from the seventies and pretending i care about strata Corps whilst instead blogging because this can be seen as my lunch time if that is what i so wish for.
so it turns out i have no idea what to write.
i find myself talking about nothing lately. like not in terms of complaining. i literally have spent a number of evenings blathering absolute crap lately. it's sort of nice because it doesn't involve any effort, but im missing getting deeply into the nitty gritty of life, and fucking people's minds with questions.
i think i need to see Annie to partake in these shenanigans. last time i saw her she was wearing a pillowcase.
i miss the days of potato sack dresses and chili juice. my computer just froze, which sort of makes my job pretty hard.
ah, all is well once again. i realized again that i grit my teeth whilst i work, and my jaw is seriously suffering.
I must go in to see Dominic at work today as i must get my sim replaced and my plan transfered. i may or may not have commandeered his iPhone. i feel okay about it because he went eight grand over whatever cap he was on, and now he's busy paying it off, so he can't even use that phone if he tried.
the keyboard I'm using makes a really loud clicking noise when i type, so everyone keeps looking at me like I'm a sus cunt, which i sort of am, because I never do any work and i get paid a fair bit of money for it all.
Anyhow, the other night i was having some time, with some people, and i realized that as a friend, i am pretty sucky. I buy people things and I clean for them and give them food and money and stuff, and all that makes it sound like I'm a pretty decent friend, but apparently not. i can understand that maybe what i do isn't the bestest way to show someone how much they mean to me, but at the same time that's how i do it. When shit gets serious, i do my best, but sometimes that's just not good enough. Oh well.

i can't afford to care

i can't fucking concentrate on anything.
this one person keeps fluttering through my mind. i want to hit myself, get it out. i know this will only end in me feeling like crap again. what is wrong with me?
self loathing? i dont know. only time will tell.
i feel content, but at the same time, something i can't fathom is ripping apart my insides. i feel like my stomach is tying into knots all the time. i can't talk to anyone. every bit of concentration is completely devoted to one thing. why does my mind always obsess like this? i can convince myself of anything, but this...this is a whole other level of crazy maggie business.
i set my mind on something, and i get it, no matter what. sometimes i think maybe i should get a brain transplant. sometimes i wish i could just change.
i should write a strategy.
if i write it enough times, i should remember it every time i break a rule. who has rules for their life? what sort of psychotic person writes out everything that's okay, and highlights everything that's wrong in red?
i've realised lately that my life is strategically designed in a certain way. almost subconsciously, i make it so that what other people see is only what i want them to see.
i dont know how to make everything the way it was before. i used to be a fucking wreck, all the time, and now, i keep it all in my head.
maybe that's a good thing.
but i felt like more of a person before. i feel like a husk now. like im struggling to even resemble a real person.

i dont want another breakdown again.
that feeling i had was something i never want to go back to. i wanted to kill everyone. i didnt even know what made me so angry.
just thinking about it makes me cringe.
i can't believe i was like that.
i realized a long time ago that i can't let my happiness hang on other people, because other people always leave. its depressing and i wish it wasnt so, but that seems to be the way it goes.
unfortunately despite having learnt this lesson on a number of occasions, i still let it happen.

im not going out without a fight

okay so after a tiring and annoying day, i have found myself sitting in bed listening to really bad music, wondering when someone is going to get to my house with something fun.
i hate fridays so much, if friday was a person i would punch it so hard. it would literally end up in the middle of china.
nah not even.
okay so i am possibly the most boring person i have ever met. i literally have no point in life. I really dont know what i am even trying to write about right now. every time i start a post, i sit there and try and thing of inspired things to say, then i realise im stupid, and i dont do anything. its really quite depressing.

he left no time to regret,

so, lets not throw abuse around willy nilly, but some people are just unbearable.
i occasionally wonder why i speak to people that annoy the hell out of me, and then i realize that if I don't, im back in my own mind, which turns out to be a pretty depressing place. I'm supposed to be cooking dinner tonight, but for some reason it's only four thirty, so i still have a little time to kill before i make things happen in the kitchen.
i feel that life could so a lot less...
fuck this. i literally have nothing to say. i sit and think, and only one thing goes through my mind, but its not something i wish to write down. its been like this for days.
im so not a fan.
i wish i wasn't so single minded when it came to certain things.
im fascinated to see where this one takes me. nowhere good if what everyone else says is any indication.

WAIT,
i do have something. maybe its something i've said a billion times, but i cant say enough times that i like my thoughts to come around more than once.
why is everyone so obsessed with blaming other people for the shit they have to deal with. the amount of times i have seen people blaming the person that just broke up with them, or their parents, or whoever, for the shit they're going through. its ridiculous.
i don't understand what is so difficult to grasp. everything you feel, is your own fault. people dont realize that we actually have the ability to turn things off in our minds. its not impossible, its probably not the best thing to do, but instead of boring everyone else's ears of with blame, why the fuck dont they just take responsibility. maybe i have no heart, maybe my idea's are stupid, but my god, some people are real twats.

all i've got is what you didnt take

i feel depressed.
i feel like my insides are being eaten up. i should really just not talk to some people. give myself time to rationalize everything in my mind and detach myself from the situation. but i dont.
i throw myself right in there, and ask stupid questions that i dont want to know the answers to.
i always hope i am going to hear what i want to hear, but the funny thing is that i never do. you would think that by now i would have learned that everything is fucked, and i am just going to hear something that will throw me into a deep pit of depression, much alike the one i am in now.

all i want to do is be more like me, and be less like you

okay so back to my sudden lack of writers block.
not that this can be classed as actually writing.
but still, i will go with what i have said, and continue.
i spent this evening talking to three people, and my god it was so confusing.

now i am talking to one, and listening to the bravery, trying to work out what to do with myself. every decision i make seems to end up with failure. someone sad very wisely to me this evening, that no decision i can make will spell disaster. unfortunately there are so many other words that describe bad things. it could spell any one of those words, and im fucked.
and now i seem to be offending people left right and centre because apparently that is what i am good at.
ooh, its time to exchange stories.
im out.