listen to : The Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
hai thar,
today i decided i wanted to live on the beach. I dont care if its not in a house, i just want to live on the beach, and wake up with the sun, and walk as far as i can every day, just to find new things.
In other news, im really quite into the idea of having a cigarette right now, but unfortunately, that is just not possible.
I hate the cold because it makes the bluetack on my posters go funny and they fall down. cant say i enjoy it without lying through my braced up teeth.
i want to go for a walk, but i have no one to walk with, nor do i have anywhere to go, and walking with no goal or company is not very intelligent, even though i am just in bridgewater, and the liklihood of being raped or stabbed or attacked by zombies is so small its hilarious.
last week i found a picture of jesus in my glovebox. no i didnt, but i really wanted to.
i really miss summer, when there are jonquils all over the place, and i can get mulberries off the mulberry bush, and stain all my white shirts with wine when mum makes it. i miss sleeping without quilts, and walking through the sun, and bludging school to go to the bay, and jump off the highest point of the jetty. i remember the first time i did that, and how my stomach dropped when i stepped off the pole and swimming for the surface really quickly because i was scared of sharks. it was fairly amazing fun.
first 28 degree day last year, i went to the bay and got so burnt i could hardly move. it was amazing. even waiting in line to withdraw money was amazing, i dont know why. it was just so happy. It's not going to be the same, ever again.
the real question i must ask is:
'can you dance like you fuck?'
riddle me that bebe.
there is something indescribably excellent about fingerless gloves and chipped black nailpolish. the only thing i need now is a cigarette and a camera, and we have the best photo ever.
so i found out that i really just want to slap some people today. those ones who think they're the best of the best. the ones that us mortals dream of shooting in the ass.
I also found that i misjudged some people, and that while they are stuck up and almost unbearble, there are little bits of who they used to be still in them, and somewhere in there, they have a heart, but they lost it, just like everyone else will.
i wonder where it all goes. all those bits of yourself that you lose, and never find again, but constantly miss.
i wonder if i met the old me, would i still want to be her, or would i rather be who i am now?
im listening to 'weightless' now, by all time low, and i just realised that the song explains how i feel perfectly. generally i hate that sort of cliched shit, but its true. i am fucked, and im stuck, and i need something to get me going somewhere good. because to be honest, people can love me, i can love people back, but what the fuck is that going to matter if i fail everywhere else.
can someone reallly love you if you dont even know who you are?
sometimes i think that im two people.
somewhere inside of me, there's a part that knows who im going to be. some part that knows, and always has known, exactly what im going to end up doing, who im going to end up with, what im going to be like. and then there's the me now. the outside bit, the brain that doesnt know yet.
i wonder when i'll be that part of me. probably when im dead.
thats the bad thing. none of us are ever going to be truly happy. we're going to live our whole lives with regrets and sadness, and we're going to die with it too. thats why i hate the thought of reincarnation. it just means that the human race is doomed to an eternity of hating itself, and struggling. it also means that we dont have a reason to be here.
like, there's that belief that you keep reincarnating as different things, depending on how you lived your past life. its stupid, because then we're all just going to keep living, over and over, and never get anywhere. if we cant remember, how are we supposed to be better than we were before. is it supposed to be instinctual. because thats just stupid.
my instincts tell me to get the fuck out of life before we fuck it up even more.
thats all.
goodbye
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