So, ten to three in the morning,
Didn't know I could actually blog on my phone but there you go, apparently I can.
I'm watching united states of Tara with Bec.
I don't know what to do. I know, life is awesome, I should go outside and be one with nature and be all happy about how I'm on the earth and suit but that's not the answer to eternal happiness, sorry dolly doctor.
To tell you ( whoever you may be, I don't even know who reads this anymore) anyhow, to be completely hOnest I feel like a bit of a shit at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel as bad as I used to but I'm in a rut.
Didn't do anything this week, just drank and smoked weed with Bec. Literally hardly moved from the couch I'm on now except for to make food or go to joes for movies, or to mine to get cOffee. I need to get out of this shit and do something but I find myself back in the same spot I was almost a year ago. I'm sick of school, work and I just want to do something new. I want to get back into a kitchen somewhere. I think it would be different now. Now that I know what to expect.
I didn't get it for a little while but really that's what made me happy for half of last year. I thought it was he reason I felt like crap but the only reason I felt like that was because I did stupid shit and blamed it on everyone else. I think I honestly could immerse myself in it forever.
But at the same time mum will kill me if i leave school and go back to a kitchen. She'll tell me that I am still to immature. Fuck I know i am, I know that I need to grow up.
But well, I can't helP but wonder what I have to do. I spend six out of seven nights away from home now, I don't ask her for anything But I still pay her reNt as well as helping Bec around the house, and with money for rent and food. I know that mum still has control over me bEcause I'm sixteen but I'm not even living there anymore. Fuck it I'm not welcome there. Half my stuff is here at becs now, but I can't sleep on her couch forever. And I can't go home really at all. I love my mum but I've made some mstakes lately thAt have really fucked things up between us. In the end I feel lonely and depressed and unmotivated and it's beginning to get too much: basically I need to get out. Can't live at becs. Dan still hates me, decided to tell his mum I'm a junkie and tell my mum that I'm the last person in the world he wants to he friends with again. I swear to god mum would rather him than me. But whatever the boy is a little fucked up. I love him but he seems to be creating problems for other people becaus he can't face up to his Own. Oh well. Fuck this
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