Lazarus and Abednigo

Lazarus was going to the marker. he saw Abednigo. He looked really smug.
"why the smug face?" Lazarus exclaimed jovially.
" well," said Abednigo "I just got released from prison and no one burned me!" and tapped the side of his nose.
"Gos, I must be off" said Lazarus, "Come to see me sometime"
Abednigo smiled and went on his way, but then he pulled a sour face that plainly said 'I'm not going to see him, he's a pedophile'
Lazarus felt sad because he knew no one cared about him because he would only become famous after his death when he rode to heaven on a chariot, instead of his soul going up, so very confoundingly.
"oh well, at least i can eat the watermelon I'm going to buy and no one will be at my house for me to share with" But he was just lying to himself so he wouldn't feel sad. He wished Shadrakc, Meshack and Abednigo would want to share food with him because he was BORED. So he began to formulate a plan. a plan to look like someone whose house people wanted to go to. It took a while but he soon brought himself up to the standards he had set. He was now very dapper and to congratulate himself he drank some ye olde ethanol.
Shadrack had unfortunately just arrived at the house on an errand on which he was much afraid. If he were a girl in modern times who was a girl scout then he would have been awarded a bravery badge. He would also be on Xanax because he was a most miserable and nervous young man. And yet it was biblical times and he was very scared. Especially when Lazarus, drunk on inflamed spirits, flung the door agape. The wind hollered despair and a rarity occurred. So then Shadrack, Meshack and Abednigo though Lazarus was still creepy because he was very drunk when Shadrack had visited him. So then Lazarus thought to himself 'It's not just my personality, it's my habits too! Oh no!'
But other stuff happened and the moral is that Lazarus realized that if you have to change yourself because other people think you're not good, you shouldn't unless you agree. If you think you are bad and want to change, you should. Lazarus knew he wasn't a pedophile so he wasn't going to change his hair or stop drinking. he stood up to those dudes and yelled obscenities at them from his roof. Lazarus was proud of who he was. he was just an old guy waiting to get taken to heaven in style, with some other dudes watching too. He was gay for god and Jesus anyway.

THIS WONDERFUL STORY FROM ANASTASIA DEANE-FREEMAN, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MONUMENTALLY WHACKED WHEN SHE WROTE IT.
honestly, she might not have been, i don't remember, but it seems pretty whacked to me.