i can't afford to care

i can't fucking concentrate on anything.
this one person keeps fluttering through my mind. i want to hit myself, get it out. i know this will only end in me feeling like crap again. what is wrong with me?
self loathing? i dont know. only time will tell.
i feel content, but at the same time, something i can't fathom is ripping apart my insides. i feel like my stomach is tying into knots all the time. i can't talk to anyone. every bit of concentration is completely devoted to one thing. why does my mind always obsess like this? i can convince myself of anything, but this...this is a whole other level of crazy maggie business.
i set my mind on something, and i get it, no matter what. sometimes i think maybe i should get a brain transplant. sometimes i wish i could just change.
i should write a strategy.
if i write it enough times, i should remember it every time i break a rule. who has rules for their life? what sort of psychotic person writes out everything that's okay, and highlights everything that's wrong in red?
i've realised lately that my life is strategically designed in a certain way. almost subconsciously, i make it so that what other people see is only what i want them to see.
i dont know how to make everything the way it was before. i used to be a fucking wreck, all the time, and now, i keep it all in my head.
maybe that's a good thing.
but i felt like more of a person before. i feel like a husk now. like im struggling to even resemble a real person.

i dont want another breakdown again.
that feeling i had was something i never want to go back to. i wanted to kill everyone. i didnt even know what made me so angry.
just thinking about it makes me cringe.
i can't believe i was like that.
i realized a long time ago that i can't let my happiness hang on other people, because other people always leave. its depressing and i wish it wasnt so, but that seems to be the way it goes.
unfortunately despite having learnt this lesson on a number of occasions, i still let it happen.