so here comes another night of feeling crap.
lets recite how work went. lovely lovely lovely, although i did get raped by stirling plates at lunch, and then all was lovely untl about half past six, when i realised we only had enough meatballs for lanas stirling plates for the function upstairs, and we ran out of capsicum, and prawns and all other things,
and then someone ordered eight pizzas, and i had nothing left, and it made me so angry i think i told everyone to fuck off when they tried talking to me.
i talked to ozzy though, he helped me out, and it was good.
we took the bins out, had a cigarette, it helped a lot, as i was getting pretty angry. then i skewered my wrist on a hook, cut my ginger open with my ring and pierced my ear on the edge of the mixer. it hurt.
then i came home and had a fight with mum. there's nothing i hate more than talking to mum. i hate it when she tries to 'talk' like a mother and daughter should, because we're just not like that.
i know it, and she should know it by now. we just don't work that way, and we never have.
i hate being part of a dysfunctional family sometimes, but im used to it, and its not just going to change. there's too much we don;t know about each other, and no way to fix that.
its not just about being honest. if i were honest with her, i wouldn't be her daughter. she would have disowned me a long time ago. i know it sounds like im assuming, but i know my mum, back to front, and i know myself, and therefore i know what is and isn't possible between. a civil relationship is, and an understanding isn't.
this would be so much easier if she would back off.
tonight she asked me who my friends were, and it was like she doubted that i have any. she asked me who was watching my back, and i had no answer. she asked me what i do that makes me happy, and i couldn't believe she hasn't worked that out yet. what does she think im doing?
i haven't worked myself into the ground for six months for something that i dont love.
she treats me like i am an idiot.
i can be, but i can also be intelligent, and she doesn't give me the chance to show her that, because she's always focusing on what i do wrong. i understand how she feels, because that's how i am.
i dont know what to do. i feel like crap and no one is here to listen to it.
i can;t even tell anyone, because i feel like all i do is complain.
i guess that is all i do.
night.