of course we can change, doesnt mean we're going to

i feel like a million dollars, but like a piece of roadkill at the same time. is that strange?
would it blow your mind if i ate desert before dinner? it would blow mine.
i think that the only things i love are things that no longer exist. i think that maybe i am going insane. i think maybe im already gone.
but thats all right, so long as im still alive, and i can still breathe, im happy.
see i make it sound like im happy with the little things, but im not. i like to be on my own. i like to dance when no ones watching, so they can't see my unbearable lack of rhythm. i like to pretend my life is a movie and there's always someone watching. i like to think about what i could do with my life if i really tried. i like to make things bright again. i like to listen to people. i like to understand what's going on around me. i like to know what makes other people tick. i like to be a friend, but i hate to have friends. i like to stay disconnected, but i can't help but be in amongst everything. i like colors, but i prefer things to be black and white. i like to be lots of different people, but sometimes it just gets to be too much, and i break down.
i like to tell people things, but im so scared that i say it, and then make it sound like a joke, so they won't think i'm crazy. i like doing things logically, and doing them right.
sometimes, when everything gets to be too much, i turn back into my old self, and suddenly i feel alone, because i think i've killed everything i had. i sometimes wish i was someone else, somewhere else, but then i think that's stupid so i cry with my head under my pillow and wonder why no one ever notices how i feel. hate people because they dont notice how i feel, even though sometimes i dont even notice. i hide it so well now, because i've learnt that most people don't care. and if people don't care, why should i try and make them?
thing is, everyones a let down in the end, and its makes me want to kill everyone. my faith in humanity has been dead for years, but im still alive, so i still have to make the effort. sometimes i wish i wasn't, and then i think about what might come after, and i get scared. i know i'd miss my hands, and my face, and my figernails, even though they're brittle and break all the time. i think i would miss my bed, and all the things in life that i feel for. i would miss music, and food, and books.
funny thing is, i wouldnt miss people. i think i could live in a world with just one person, and be happy. i hate people. i hate our brains, and the way we love uncontrollably, laugh like we dont mean it, forgive but never forget. i hate that in the end, we'll all be gone, and everything we've done, everything we wanted to do, it isn't even ours anymore. we're gone. we're a memory. we can live on in peoples minds, but in their hearts, we remain as tainted as we were in life. there is no purity. if i go to heaven, and am righteous and lovely in the afterlife, there'll always be someone here on earth that hates me, and so i'll always be that little evil bitch. IM LOVIN IT.