i am having a pretty abysmal night so far.
i want to punch myself in the face for saying the things i said, making people doubt me.
there are so many things i wish i could take back, that i regret so much.
i want to break my phone, take out the sim card and crush it. i want to lock my door, turn off all my lights, close all the curtains and never speak to anyone again. i dont want to go on facebook anymore, or talk on the phone, or even fucking blog. i just want to shut myself off from the rest of humanity and wallow in self pity and hatred for fools who really just don't understand.
unfortunately none of this is possible, so im going to stay up until my brothers get home, eat some fruit salad and try not to get to depressed.
it would help if i could attain some cigarettes, but i can't, because its super late, and no one in this house seems to have any money.
im hating life, in the most basic manner.
i hate being let down. i hate feeling inadequate in comparison to other people. i hate feeling like people really do care, they just don't care enough. it makes me feel like the bad person, for wanting too much. why can't i just be happy with what i get.
i feel greedy and selfish. i don't want to feel this way. but im not sure if its just a feeling, or if its more than that. is this the person that i am now? if so, why should i bother.
its so hard, like giving up smoking, or letting something go, so difficult to break a habit. and thats what this i guess. a habit that i can't break.
then again, i find it too hard to break any of my bad habits anymore. i dont have any self control, or even a will to make myself a better person, im happy as i am, which is not a good thing.
im happy as a tired, mentally retarded, depressed, hateful, selfish, greedy, foul tempered sixteen year old girl.
does that sound good?
no it does not.
its times like these that i would rather give up than keep going, because the alternative to life is death, and that's a hundred times easier.
but the thing is, i don't want to be like the people who make me feel this way. i dont want to take the easy way out just because i can, i really want to just fucking show them that i am more than that.
thing is that im worried im not. maybe 'that' is all i am.
maybe they know better.
that fucking scares the living daylights out of me.
so today dear god, what the fuck do i do?
dear lovely fuckhead in heaven who is so selfish he can't even fucking let his own creations be happy, what the fuck do you want me to do. follow the righteous path? awesome, what the fuck is the righteous path? what the fuck are we all supposed to do. end up alone and die ina cesspit of our own depression, only to find our way deeper into afore mentioned shithole till we get all the way to hell and suffer for the rest of eternity? sounds like a fun story.
because no one is truly sorry, no one is truly righteous, and the people who get to go to heaven may as well be parcels in a lucky dip.
so fuck you, because you haven't given me any fucking answers, and i have no idea where the fuck im going.
ill wager its hell though, and earlier than expected. hit me with a car god, please.
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