holy fucking smokes

dear fagz,
so, i can't believe its only just nine thirty, feels like this day has gone on for so much longer, but whatever. going to a yoga class with mother tomorrow morning, drove past some serious shit tonight. not going to mention what it was though. I had the creepiest dream last night, some old guy kept telling me that 'I can't do it' and 'I'm not coming back' meant serious shit. i think it was a mixture of me overthinking my own stupidity and watching too much dexter, in which serious shit goes down. but whatever.
You know when you get really freaked out about whether or not you sound bitchy through text. I always sound like im being snide when i write things, unless they're super deep things. speaking of which, life is good. Even though there's too many questions left unanswered for my taste, it's doing all right. I am having trouble coming to terms with what i seem to have lost, and finding it difficult to find something to gain, but as long as i sit in this middle ground of just being content, i think i should be all right. that's a lie, im not content, it goes up and down, but you gotta do what you gotta do i guess, and in the end, it will all pass. I was watching something the other week, i can't remember what it was, but it was all themed around living in the moment, and it made me realise that living in the moment is all good and well, but if you can't let go of that moment when it passes, then you're fucked. Unfortunately it is human nature to miss things and regret things, and we will always play over and over the moments that we wish had lasted forever, until we find a new one to obsess over. It gets harder and harder to find a new moment, it seems, because we're so busy holding onto the last that whatever new comes along, we might miss it.

i miss the past a lot though, and i dont have the company anymore, and my moments tend to be lonely at best.

and to make things even more amazing, im getting into my old habit of negativity in reference to my friends. i've basically cut off one of my best friends because i just can't deal with her anymore, and its getting pretty hard to stand the other one now too, which is fucking unfortunate because basically that means i am ALON. until i find someone better to be bffs with and then hate them eventually too and so on and so on. it only took me three years to get through all of the people at heathfield, so i have about two good years left in marden, which should be all good. i was seriously contemplating going back to heathfield next term so i can cut down life expenses but i dont think i can go to that school, where all those darling people hate me because i fucked over one singular person, and i didnt even fuck him over, he just decided i did. lets leave that one be otherwise i'll get on to a rant about how selfish a little cunt said shitface is.
its getting better though, so maybe hatred will disperse. perhaps go to africa, get aids and die.
YEAH THATS A GOOD PLAN MATE>