i dont know if anyone else knows that frustrated feeling where you sort of want to be the coolest person ever and just not care, and then theres the other half of you, which feels like getting a fast forward button and making everything all right again. not that things are bad, things are just completely average. i say this while snuggled under a feather blanket in a warm lounge watching murder mysteries on TV. shit is good in comparison to how it could be elsewhere, but i am at that point where i am sick of holding myself up. it amazes me how effortless people can make being happy look, when it feels like a fucking bburden to me.
its because i know how much easier it is to let even the littlest things get to you, rather than grabbing a big fuck off slice of frozen cheese and slicing them up until you just cant feel your hands anymore because it's so goddamn cold. i hate it when my arms get sore from that cheese, and i drop it, and i start to feel my hands again, and BAM! everything comes flying back and punches me in the face, so i have to find my mojo again and climb all the way up that ladder of happiness and try and get to the top once again even though i know what i need to do that, and since i dont have it, im going to sit somewhere below the target emotion until i just fall the fuck down and die. i want to go to sleep but im not tired. just want to cuddle up to this one person and go to sleep like i used to.
god knows how i have managed the last three monthss
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