/fucks this

I don't know what I'm doing now. I've been reduced to a bumbling mess, sitting in front of the fire trying to wok out what the fuck I want to make happen. trying to understand why I am such a dismal failure.
I know life isn't worth wasting on being sad. But why is it so hard for me just to be happy. I'm so tired of having to pull myself up every ten minutes, stop that sinking feeling that takes over my guts every second moment. I am trying to be better, but I don't even know what better is.
i'm not even allowed to indulge myself as wonder why I deserve this because I know why. I know all he things I have done to deserve this and I can't even excuse myself. I think that's when you know things are bad, when you're such a terrible person that you can't even make excuses for yourself.
it's sort of ridiculous, I want someone to tell me I'm fine, but even if they did I wouldn't believe them because no one actually knows. and I'm being literal, I have never told anyone.
and I can't.
there's something about having a secret. it literally eats away at your sanity. every cell in my brain feels like it's dying. every organ in my body feels like it's going to fail. I doubt even my family would forgive me. and I'm not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not being paranoid. I have had enough time In my own head to know the full extent andthr true consequences for every single one of my stupid actions, my ridiculous words.
I feel like nothing. I want to feel something, anything over than this deathly, empty feeling I have now. I don't even think I would notice if I died right here, on the hearth. I want to run away but when I think about it it just doesn't seem worth it. not only do I have no where to go, but even if I did, I would still be stuck in my brain, hoping and wishing for the most amazing things and then realizing... realizing that I am nothing. I am nothing. I pound self-worth into my brain but I am still nothing.
nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. and being nothing is not worth sticking around for.
I am so fucking nothing I can even end it.
you know, I could go now, but I am stuck here because I'm so fucking worthless, all I am good for is fucking other people over so they can find themselves or something ridiculous like that. I want to scream or yell or punch something, but I can't. I want to choke on my own worthless tongue and die.