so i have been sitting around for the last few days, imagining. i can't even say what i was thinking about, i was just imagining the different ways my life could have played out, and it left me feeling empty and unsatisfied.I with i could do something remarkable, but I'm incredibly average.
I feel like i am sinking into normality. I don't want to conform. I don't want to be the same as everyone else.
I wear glasses to look smart and throw big words like 'Reciprocate' around. I googled reciprocate, i don't even think it is a word. googled isn't a word either, but it should be. some people are so foolish.
Anyhow, back to my original point. i am wondering, and thinking about how i can change. It's completely ridiculous, not even the prospect of death could make me change. I'm so set in my ways, but when i think about it i don't even know what those ways are. i think about what i believe in and suddenly my mind is sucked into this giant black hole, and faith suddenly seems pointless. I'm one of those people who hates racism but laughs when people pay out Asians. I defend Christianity but i can't bring myself to actually believe it when it really matters.
I don't even know. I was speaking with my father the other day. We both kept trying to convince each other that we were right. I kept asking him why, if god is so holy and righteous, did he make an earth full of living people with emotions and then fuck us all over. what made him think making us tiptoe around every choice just so we could spend eternity in heaven would be a fun idea. if he cares about us all so much, why does he make us search for him, and who is he to tell us that we're not good enough. I hate dad a little bit because, well.
For instance if Julia Gillard had legalized gay marriage dad would have fought against it. he would have caused a horrible raucous. it's funny because he expects me to just lay down and seek the motherfucking lord, when i think that if god was a person, he would be a fucking terrible person. who has the gall to create a world, with the ability to do anything, and then blame all the hurt and suffering on the people he created, when he could stop it all in the blink of an eye. I won't follow someone like that. how can someone be so faithful, and know that other people aren't going to have a bit of it.
How can dad walk around knowing that according to his belief, me and mum and Dominic and Callum are all going to hell. how can anyone do that. He said he thought he was happy before he was converted but then god peeled away the layers and he realized there was a great big gaping hole underneath everything.
God peeled away what? he fucking peeled away our family. Good work god, I'm fucking proud.
Truth is, as cheesy as this sounds, we're all remarkable. We just have to look within ourselves to find that thing that makes us stand out, that makes us who we are. It can take a lifetime to find... a long, agonizing life time.
ReplyDeleteI had so many problems with Christianity... just wasn't for me. I'm not against it or it's liberal followers... it's the more conservative ones that make me want to scream.