please identify the three food species that are on my spoon,

HONEY, THAT'S WATER

I think i should just start to write giantly long posts instead of writing about ten a day, the way i do now.
okay so i am getting really frustrated because i went for almost a week without smoking and now im all back into it. it is like i never stopped. the only problem is that i get so angry when i go cold turkey, and i know that if i want to, i will have to stop being around people for a few weeks. which never ends well because i fall right back in to this unbelievable feeling of shit.
so im sitting here wondering what i am trying to achieve here. and i setting myself up to be disappointed, or am i actually working towards something that will happen. i dont know if i have ruined everything beyond repair or if i can ever mean what i meant before again.
i know that even if i can never be what i was before, i want to at least mean something more than just a little piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe, but at the same time i don't know if my feelings will disperse or if it will be like it was before, and they won't go away unless all contact is cut.
i love heartbreak, its such an intense time. i mean, i don't especially WANT it to happen to me, but if it does, i think that one should embrace the pain. while that sounds weird, i mean that i think it helps us grow, and that if we shut out all the pain, and bottle it up, we will end up as empty shells of human beings.

the last word always makes me feel depressed.